Adventures in Infertility-Land

Comments and Clarification

2012-01-19T15:16:00.003-05:00

I have gotten a lot of comments lately, most really interesting. Thank you so much for your support and feedback. I just wanted to clarify one point, E is not interested in child free life. He did mention that at one point and has said that if he himself were infertile he would chose child free. However, now given the set of circumstances that we find ourselves in, E is saying that he wants children (albeit in a very specific way- with both parents being biological). Since he is not infertile (we think, at least based on every test we have run to date) he has that choice. He is also saying that he does not think our relationship makes sense child free. I think we need to explore that a bit more fully, but at the moment that is what I know.

I have gotten a few comments about who loves who more (me or E) and who is leaving who –My thoughts on this are interesting. Sometimes I want to be left, maybe because if that happens I get to try on the victim role for a while and can blame someone else or rightfully carry around a pool full of anger. Other times I want to do the leaving, hating the feeling of powerlessness that goes along with being acted on rather doing the action yourself. But in the end, maybe that part does not really matter. We would be leaving each other, there are parts of this that are mutual, we both share responsibility/ play a part in this. I know that. I am not blameless- I am not sure it makes sense to play that blame game anyway. (Please note, that when I say I am not blameless I do not mean about my IF. That is not my fault. It just is something that happened in my body, by age 31 I could not have kids. Nobody could have ever predicted that. I am referred more to the crumbling of my marriage, there are two us of in that dance, I am not innocent).

I wanted to tell you that I have changed my settings to not allow anonymous comments. I hesitate in doing so and may change my mind given that some of the most meaningful comments I have recently received where from anonymous posters. But, over the years that this blog has been running, anonymous posters have said some mean things- much meaner than some of the comments left recently (I have received anit Semitic comments, been told I am a sinner for my choice of a D&E, been told I am ready to be a mother)- and I think I just wanted off that crazy ride.

I hope you all continue to follow along and I welcome your opinions, even ones that are unpopular or are divergent from my own. I hope that makes sense and that I did not offend anyone. I just think sometimes we need to think before we 'speak' and/or make sure we understand that which we are commenting on.

Interestingly, I just met with a patient of mine. One of the things I told him is that life is more complicated than any of us would like to admit. I think that if we had to face just how complex it really is on a daily basis, we would all probably have crippling amounts of anxiety. To me, it seems that we all want to live in a world where there is black and white, right and wrong- that would certainly make our lives so much easier. Learning how to navigate in this gray-ness has made me a smarter, more compassionate, more adaptable person. Maybe my kid is lucky that they will come into my life after all of this has already happened, I will have a lot of really important life lessons to teach

It's Not You, It's Me

2012-01-14T08:29:00.004-05:00

E and I are two therapy sessions in. I must say that I think the therapist is really good, I may not like everything that she says but I do think she does a good job of sifting through our b.s. and getting down to the point and often also the affect associated with the point.

The bulk of our sessions have focused on the ways in which we have both checked out. E has been on the computer too much, it has been too hard to get his time and attention. I have tried to determine if this was always there, predating IF. But, seeing how our IF battle has now dragged on nearly 5 years, it is so hard to remember anymore and our time post-TTC by far outdates the time we spent pre. Who knows. It is worth seeing if it is something that might change, meaning can I get what I want here. I have agreed to not discuss separation so much- meaning not the issues themselves more like not discussing how separation would work (even though I have known that is not wise to talk about this, I have found it kind of hard to leave it alone- Sometimes when something is in my head so much, it finds its way out of my mouth). But, overall we have been getting along a little better, the tension seems less in our house.

So this is all fine and good, but, at the same time, appears somewhat irrelevant. You see the truth is if this was solely about fixing our marriage, I think E and I stand a fighting chance. I do not think we now have or ever will have the perfect relationship, but I do think there is enough good stuff there to make it work. But, it is kind of beyond that. The future of our relationship hangs more on the ability of me to get (or more importantly not get pregnant) than anything else. That is the one thing that no matter how hard we (or I work) at changing, is largely out of our (my) hands.

The “I will 100% not do DE” is hard for me to understand. There is a tiny voice in my head that keeps telling me that E will change his mind, that maybe after yet another cycle or possibly that there is something I can do or say to make him open up more. I need to give that up, it is really hard, I do not know how to do that exactly. It is something I will work on getting through in my own therapy.

E did shed some more light on his understanding of this issue. He is clear that door is shut. He is also clear that this is not an easy decision for him and that it is that causes him much psychological pain. E says he views ending our marriage and DE as two evil choices, but that divorce somehow seems less evil because in DE he would forever be stuck with a choice that he never wanted in the first place (meaning stuck with a child that he never wanted). He also adds (what I talked about last time)- that divorce comes with it the possibility of a shot at what he really wants, which in this case is a child of both his and his partner’s biology. It is hard to not take that personally. E says it’s not me though, he would feel this way no matter who is partner is. He says that it is more about his feelings about DE than his feelings for me, the old it’s not you it’s me excuse (he did not actually say that old saying, but you see where I am coming from, right?). I asked E what he would do if he was the one that was infertile, he says he would not have children. Our therapist points out that his desire to have children is not as strong as mine, that at least I understand. However, at the same time, E still says he does want children- I guess not in the same, nothing else matters more, way as I do.

It is hard to write about this stuff because I know I am not really expressing a very popular point of view. It is hard for me to accept and understand E's stance because it stands at such opposition to how I feel. It almost starts to sound absurd to me, like you could not possibly believe that. But, absurd or not, it is how he feels. It is not my job anymore to convince him otherwise. I have gone that road one too many times, it is time for a new direction.

So where does that leave us? Well, there is still the option IVF #7. We were clear in session that if we do not do #7, that means separation, and if we do #7 and it fails, that means separation. This is not new, but it feels and sounds different when it is spelled out bluntly, in clear language, in front of somebody else (meaning the therapist). Our therapist seems to want to be optimistic about #7, I reminded her that no RE feels that way and that when I say 15% shot I am not being dramatic- that is legitimately what it is. E continues to feel unsure about doing #7, citing his fears that it will just be too stressful. I do not pretend to understand that, how is any of this not stressful. I am suspending this for now. We will discuss it at the next session. Once again, E continues to hold most of the power. Again, that is what it is, unless I am ready to give up now, which I am not, then I have to accept that. The one silver lining is that previously, I felt very attached to my frozen (but shitty) embryos. Now, that is less so. If they do not get used I can live with that.

So that is about my friends. Things continue to be hard, I think they will be for a while. I am doing surprisingly well all things considered. I am proud of myself for the new pool of resiliency that I have tapped into. I am reaching out more to people, turning down less invitations, and letting people love and support me more. The good news is that given the new, not exactly clarity, but more like clarifications that therapy has provided us, this can’t go on much longer. That might mean a few months, not a few weeks, but it still has an ending someplace.

checking in

2012-01-06T08:35:00.001-05:00

Well, there is not much going on. Is that good or bad? I made it through the holidays, which I think is good. Sadly, having too much time off with E was making me anxious- I am not even going to read into that any further. It was wonderful to be with my BFF, I miss her so much. We were able to eek out one day alone together before the rest of our girls joined us. I cried a lot at a table, at what turned out to be a 2 plus hour lunch. I needed that, good thing I do not care about crying in public anymore. She pointed out some interesting things to me, helping me see that E is not the only one who gets to decide to stay or go (the way I have been approaching things). I feel like I have more agency now, I am not sure what that means.

NYE was nice actually. I had many, many, many drinks. It was E’s birthday and I assumed it made sense to try to have to sex with him and act like a more normal married couple (before we went out for the night’s festivities). Sadly, I found myself doing a shot of vodka in the kitchen before staging my seduction scene in the bedroom. I needed the liquid courage- again, not even going to read into that, we all know the meaning of these kinds of things. E and I, in the end, had a nice night. In fact, if you saw us you would never imagine what was going on behind the scenes. It is confusing to enjoy his company sometimes, I wish that never happened anymore, it would make deciding easier.

Today, we are meeting with a new couples therapist after nixing couples therapist #1. Actually, we are meeting with E’s therapist, with whom I have historically had major reservations about. For you therapists out there, I am making E terminate his individual work with her so we can see her together, not ideal I know. I also know it is not ideal to meet with someone who I have mixed feelings about, but the truth is trying to find someone is hard, with 2 busy schedules and other factors, this is easy and I am too exhausted to not take the easy way out. It is what it is, I am cutting myself a break. Like most couples, I think we are entering couples therapy too late, meaning when we are likely beyond the point of no return or close to it. I guess for me the goals will be to discuss the options of cycle 7 (which smart or not I still want to do, mostly to not leave any stones unturned) and/ or to help us separate in a calm way that does not involve us trying to rip each other’s heads off (note, I cannot imagine it getting to that point, there is no fighting now just quiet- scary, uncomfortable, quiet). If you are wondering why I have dropped the DE/ adoption goals, well... E has told me the door is 100% closed on that and he also mentions things like wanting to leave so he can start over (meaning with a more fertile woman). I feel furious about those statements but also know that they are not so far off from me saying I would rather be a mother than a wife.

Believe it or not, I am mostly fine. I stopped crying somewhere along the line. I am sure that will pick up again soon, but right now no tears are falling. I feel numb and disconnected. I had been trying so hard to work through things with E out of sheer desperation, but now I don’t. I just kind of let it be. Sometimes that means we interact little, sometimes we kind of act normal. I have been obsessively checking apt rental listings to see what is available these days, I am worried where I will go after. Money issues are constantly on my mind, I have no idea how to make that work exactly.

I have been trying to read along with your stories, some days that is easier than others. I wish that was not so, but in the spirit of honesty I need to call myself out on being a bad bloggy friend. You are in my thoughts and I thank you for your support especially as this blogs turns more into one about marriage/ divorce instead of IF. Much love to you all in 2012.

P.S. Did I mention that I would like to skip 2012 and just hop right into 2013, where I imagine things to be at least somewhat more calm.

I am scared

2011-12-28T23:47:00.001-05:00

I’m scared

I am scared that NYE is E’s birthday and that I may start crying at the stroke of midnight

I am scared of E leaving me and me having to do this alone

I am scared of staying together for the wrong reasons

I am scared that no man is ever going to love me as much as my father does

I am scared that I turn 37 this year and will be even further away from being a mother

I am scare of feeling lonely

I am scared that my child will one day hate me if I bring them into this world as a single parent

I am scared of the word divorce

I am scared that E will leave me for a more fertile woman

I am scared that we have done irreparable damage to our marriage

I am scared of living child free for the wrong reasons

I am scared that E won’t give child free a chance anymore

I am scared that my parents will resent me for the choices I make in my life

I am scared to be going through this while my best friend lives on the side of the world

I am scared that my patients will notice if I stop wearing my wedding band/ engagement ring

I am scared that I may never feel love again

I am scared of so many things

My therapist recently told me that she will stand me no matter what choices I make moving forward- but that I should not make decisions based in fear. I am trying hard to do that. I am really scared.

85%

2011-12-22T08:07:00.000-05:00

It is hard to know what to say these days.

E and I had our couples therapy appointment. It was fine, but not great. I have other referral. I need to get on that. Unfortunately, E is being very clear with me about DE right now. The chance is now zero, we are going in the wrong direction- further apart instead of closer together. IVF 7 is still up in the air, the complication is that I have frozen embryos. They are in fact shitty embryos but embryos exist none the less. It is hard to think of leaving those. There is little chance that they will become babies but they are still embryos and not eggs. I feel strongly that it is a cycle I want to do, E is less sure- for reasons that are plentiful and I will not go into here. But, it boils down to this, my new RE gives the cycle about a 15% success rate- so if I flip that around, there is an 85% chance that I am getting a divorce after #7, but if we do not do the cycle that chance is closer to 100%

I was talking to friend the other night. She knows roughly what is going on and asked how I am. I initially told her that I did not want to talk about it and then proceeded to ramble on to her about it for an hour. I needed that, it felt better to get it out. She said something interesting. That she wishes a happier place for me by the end of 2012, knowing that the beginning will surely suck. I am trying to wish that for myself.

My next week is really busy and I am hoping restorative. My BFF (who moved in late May) is coming in for a few days. I desperately need to see her. I fear that I will collapse into a puddle of tears upon seeing her, but need to feel her love, strength, and wisdom for a bit. I also have another friend visiting later on in the week- she has become a life-line for me these past few months and someone I feel I can just really be open and honest with. I have great ideas to plan a fantastic NYC adventure for her, but really just want to lay on the couch with a big bottle of wine, somehow I think she will not object.

NYE is E’s birthday, I fear it might be the last we spend together. It is hard to know how to feel about that.

To all of you….. I wish you all love and peace this holiday season. My hope is for un-stuck-ness in 2012 for us all.

P.S. If you have make up tips, I am taking them- the red blotchy look combined with dark circles is less then pretty

Emotional Purgatory

2011-12-08T08:01:00.004-05:00

I have been struggling with my blog lately and feel unsure about what I have to say. I have been having some trouble with other blogs too, both with reading and commenting (although I do read more than I comment). Please know that even when you do not hear from me, you remain in my thoughts all the time.

My standstill with E still persists. Because of this I feel as if I am slowly losing my mind or something like that. It is hard, really hard. Just to give you an explanation of what I am dealing with, this is essentially the way it goes: I usually bring up the topic, E lets me know he is still against DE (we are talking DE at this point b/c I feel like if there is little chance he would ever do DE, there is virtually no chance that he would ever want to adopt). Because of the utter feelings of desperation when I hear this news, I start to ask inane questions like “is there any chance you might change your mind, what percentage of chance is there?” Yes, I ask for an actual quantity. Why? I don’t know, I feel desperation, when you are desperate you do some not so logical things. E tells me that the chance he will ever change his mind is slim (like really slim, like 1% slim- yes, I made that stat up myself but I think I am pretty on target, E has confirmed that this about right). He says he is not ready to say that this is his final answer yet, but right now nothing has changed. In reality, nothing has changed in 2 years when we first started to talk about this. I sometimes ask him why he is still here, why he has not just left me already. He tells me that he hasn’t left because he loves me. Cue tears. Emotional purgatory.

I ask E for explanations as to why DE is so not ok with him. He answers that question, but even when I try to recreate his answers, I still feel unclear. He says things like DE feels like he is having a baby with a stranger, that he thinks he will conjure thoughts of this donor every time he looks at his child, that he will resent me forever for making him do something he really doesn’t want to do.

Things are really hard. All roads somehow lead back to this issue. Do I resign my office lease? Well, what if I need to leave my job for a position with better hours and benefits like health insurance when/if I become a single mother. Do we take a vacation? Well, says E, we need to figure this out first so we don’t spend the entire time talking about this issue. Do we book tickets to visit E’s family in FL? Well, what if we book tickets and then are not even together at that point. I imagine I do not have to tell you how hard living like this is. It is hell, pure hell.

I have several calls to couples therapist. I found one yesterday who I think I loved and we are trying to get in to see her next week. She is an IF expert. I need her to save us.

The other day, I told E that I am NOT divorcing him (or allowing him to divorce me) and I am not living child free. That means he has no choice but to do this. I said to him that he needs to act like a used car sales man “how do I get you in this car” with himself- “how do I get myself comfortable with DE”. Historically, I think he has been working on validating why it is ok not to want to do it. Of course it is ‘ok’ not to do DE, but not if you want to stay married. Get yourself in that car, E, you have no choice. As I said before, desperation makes you do crazy things.

So that is it for now, I have more to say but feel kind of tapped out. Thank you for being so understanding about me going MIA from time to time. I am always holding out hope for those of you still in the trenches and sending everyone much love.

Standstill

2011-11-21T18:34:00.003-05:00

I have tried to blog a lot lately, but I just don’t know what to say. So rather than getting all poetic and insightful, I will just tell you the facts.

There is nothing much new going on here. E and I remain at a standstill. I believe this might be slowly killing me or at least slowly killing our marriage. IF is hard on relationships. Anyone who says otherwise is lying, I promise. But, having been down this road for more years than I care to count, I can say with confidence, that what is happening to E and I as a couple now is not really just about IF- it is more about what happens to a relationship when you want different things than your partner. It sucks, in every possible way. I feel every emotion all at once – mostly negative emotions- angry, sad, scared, resentful, hopeless, defeated, lonely- I could go on but you get the point.

E and I have made no decisions. There are no changes in our stances. I want a baby by whatever means possible, E only wants a baby of our biology- There is no real compromise, not in this case.

E recently raised the issue of IVF #7 (which I am affectionately going to just call #7). He is not sure he even wants to do it. Low odds and all, we both see no real point and would be doing it just to do it. E also is afraid that waiting for those beta results would be like a death row inmate waiting for a stay of execution- you hold out to the last possible second hoping for some miracle that does not send our marriage to lethal injection. He is afraid we would never get through that cycle if we knew the call after the BFN report would be to the divorce lawyer. He is not wrong, but when you have no other viable options, maybe you just do it anyway and go for broke.

My in laws are in town. They got in late last week and will be here through next Monday. I have lost to say about that but no energy to do so. It is mostly fine. I got bigger things to worry about.

There is a lot of craziness in my head right now. Every time I try to put it on paper, it just comes out wrong- I am not even going to try right now. Let’s just say, I am as good as could be expected given the state of affairs- but that I am far from good. I have been through a lot in the last 5 years, more than my share, but this my friends feels like the hardest part. My dream of babies has always felt very hypothetical since I am not yet a mother. I know I want to be a mother, I feel it in my bones, but I can’t always picture it, having not yet had that experience. Even with Baby H, he was real, I know that, but he was also never born. I never got to mother him in the traditional way- no diapers were changed, no bed stories read or baths given. It was all hypothetical somehow. But E is real. I have been married to him for over 6 years, we have been together for nearly 9- I know what I would be losing, it is NOT hypothetical or imagined, this is a real, tangible loss. This is the worst part and just makes all those losses that have come before (countless BFN’s and baby H) that much worse.

Yesterday and U2

2011-11-09T08:35:00.009-05:00

Yesterday, at the gym, a song that reminds me of my wedding popped on my ipod. The song was “It’s a Beautiful Day” by U2. It reminds me of my wedding because it was the song that we selected to play when we were announced into our wedding reception. While our first dance song was not really something we were very attached to, we were attached to this song. We picked it months before and I listened to it often in the months leading up to out wedding. Both E and I consider it “our song” (if we actually even have a song). When my ipod started to play the first few notes yesterday, I immediately started to cry and quickly changed the song, not wanting to cry fully at the gym (mind you, I tear up at the gym often, there is something about work outs that does that to me). I don’t want to lose my husband.

** I posted this pic before, but here it is again. It is one of the only shots I have scanned that is obscure enough to not really show either of our faces, but you can see that E is smiling at me and I look like I am laughing..... It is probably from the moment right after that song played***

***On another note, as graduate of Penn State University, I am so saddened by the events that have occurred at my beloved university over the past few weeks. This article captures my sentiments exactly. I am sending lots of healing thoughts to Happy Valley......
http://www.usatodayeducate.com/staging/index.php/ccp/opinion-we-are-penn-state-we-will-rise-above-this

One Foot In, One Foot Out

2011-11-04T08:24:00.004-04:00

One foot in, one foot out- this is the story of my current life. Very strange things start to happen when you begin to toss the word divorce around (Just to clarify as I am getting a lot of confusing comments, divorce is a discussion point b/c E and I cannot figure out how to move forward in our quest to build a family, E does not want to do adoption and DE and I am unlikely to be able to have bio child. Child free does not feel like an option for me, it would be for E)

E and I are in a bit of an emotional standstill. Nothing is changing, not even by an inch. The feeling of desperation that creeps up on me is palpable. I feel it in my bones, it steals my breath away. I have begun to tell people about this for reasons that seem unclear to me. I told my mother, father, and my aunt (my father’s sister who I am very close to). I initially thought that I was doing so for support, but I think in reality I am preparing. Preparing them, preparing me- preparing all around. I had thought they would freak out. None of them did. They all love E (especially my aunt as E has a uniquely close relationship with my uncle, her husband), but they also love me and they understand. Nobody told me that I was crazy or not to do this. My dad summed it up best when he told me that they will support me in every way that they can- mentioning emotional, financial, and physical support in the form of childcare. My mother even offered to have me move back to their house if need be. They are truly great. I am not there yet.

At the same time that this is going on, I remain married to E. Our marriage has suffered great damage over the past few weeks/ months, as you can imagine, and it needs working on. I would not say that our issues are beyond repair, in fact quite the opposite, I think we have a good shot at fixing things- But it is hard to want to do that when you are not sure what is going to happen next. Why fix a marriage that is going to end soon? It is hard to motivate myself with my ‘why bother’ attitude. This is something I need to change and is not ok as it appears to be the fastest way to the divorce lawyer’s office.

Many things appear on the not too distant horizon. E’s parents are coming for week around thanks giving. E has promised to fill them in before they arrive, I am not sure how one talks about a serious issue such as those facing E and I now to people who lives on Poly Anna Planet- better him than me. We have a cycle mostly covered by insurance to get through. E and I want to plan a vacation (I nicknamed this the last honeymoon for obvious reasons- it is hard to get too excited about a trip that could end up being the last we take together). I want to do none of this- The longer I drag my feet, the longer I can pretend that none of this is happening.

My task right now is to focus on the now. I am married. I am not cycling yet. There are no decisions made. I need to remind myself of this 700 times a day if needed, I cannot keep going as I have been- half in/half out.

Side note: E’s mother is a FB abuser, meaning she posts and comments about everything, as I imagine a 16 year old girl might do- keep in mind my MIL is 60. She often posts pictures of children (her neighbors, her friend’s grandkids, etc.). Now, I have done this too, but when I do I am sure to write a caption that explicitly says who this child is (i.e “my adorable niece M”). My MIL does not do this. Yesterday the comment I was dreading came. My MIL posted a pic of a 2 year old girl, then somebody else wrote this comment “is that your granddaughter?” I wanted to hop on FB and respond with “no, this is not her granddaughter b/c her son married an infertile woman and she may never be a grandmother” but I restrained myself. Instead, E told his mother that posting pics like that is like a ‘slap in our faces’. The pic has been taken down. E vs. MIL- winner is E! (and me too)

The D Word

2011-10-28T17:11:00.003-04:00

The D word, Divorce. It is a word that is now uttered in my house a little too often. Mostly, this is occurring in the form of jokey statements that both E and I are making to each other, referencing when we are back in the dating world again and the like. Sometimes we laugh at this, but we both know it is not really funny. As in most things, there is a fine line between laughing and crying and I have found myself in tears over a joke that has gone one step too far, or something like that. It is a really weird thing.

Both mine and E’s parents are still married. In fact, in my family, all of my aunts and uncles are still married- it is like nobody gets divorced, which I know is an anomaly in itself at this point. I feel like I am ruining our perfect track record, not that this really matters anyway.

E says often that is feels weird to be talking about this given that we are not really fighting so much. This is true and untrue. We are fighting some of the time (whether this is more than most married couples is debatable),but if this baby issue were not on the table we would not be at this point.

I had agreed to only bring up IF related issues (specifically DE/ adoption/ child free/ divorce decision matrix of hell) one time per week. E’s therapist had wanted me to table the discussion all together for several months to give us breathing room. While I saw her point, I knew that was completely impossible for me, thus the compromise. I had a pretty good run with this for the past two weeks, but this week I was a colossal failure- I now see her point even more, too much of these kinds of talks leads to nothing good- meaning it ends with me sleeping on the couch and wishing that we had an apartment big enough to hold a spare bedroom (we live in a 1 bedroom apt, I promise by NYC standards we have a good amount of space).

Sometimes I want to freeze time and run away with E and pretend that none of this is happening. Other times, I feel like I am wasting my time on failing IVF attempts and in a marriage that is ultimately never going to give me what I want. It is so confusing. I vacillate between wanting to hug him and never let go and then feeling so angry that I cannot even stand to be in the same room as him, let alone sleep in the same bed. It is a dead end street. I lose either way- no baby or no husband. Impossible.

I feel like I’m drowning…..

Saturday Night Surprise

2011-10-25T08:23:00.001-04:00

If you have been following along for a while, you will remember the endless countdown to my BFF’s leaving NYC and moving away from me in May of this year. Since that time, I have seen her only one time. Her glamorous job is just as expected and I find her hard to reach/ track down as I never seem to know what continent she happens to be on and what she is doing exactly.

In my typical fashion, I have felt distant and closed off from her. She used to know the day to day stuff- even the ins and outs of my cycles, checking in after every silly monitoring appointment, including the eventful ones. Now, things are clearly different. When I am asked “what’s going on?” I am torn between wanting to spill everything and wanting to say nothing. I have not found the balance yet.

So this Saturday, I was in NJ spending the afternoon with my mother. I had coordinated during the day with E about movie tickets for later that night. I raced home that night, thinking I had very little time to shove food in mouth and run back out the door. Except, when I walked into my living room there was my BFF sitting on my couch drinking a glass of wine. What a great surprise!!!

I knew she was likely due into NYC for work this coming week, but she schemed with E behind my back to surprise me on Saturday. As I told her many times, all is right in the world when she is back in NYC.

So where I am going with this… Some time on Saturday night after dinner was over and BFF’s fancy boss needed her back at the hotel (I promise I still do not really understand this job of hers), I realized that I was still smiling. It was as if I actually noticed the sensations of feeling happy, like the presence of happiness made me realize how absent that feeling has been in my life recently. Now, it’s not that I think I have been that sad or depressed, but more that I just not really been happy. God, I miss that feeling.

My BFF is still in NYC, but I am not sure how much I will get to see her. I will spend as much time as I can with her, but will admit here that part of me just wants to crawl back in my little shell, fearing how sad I will feel when she leaves again. Like I said before, balance is hard to find....

Adventures in Limbo-Land

2011-10-20T08:27:00.001-04:00

So, I haven’t felt that much like talking lately.

Things are fine. My brother’s baby is here and that is actually a good thing. Since he came 10 days late, this created a situation in which I jumped every time the phone the rang, especially if it was a call from a family member. I feel like I did my part, I went to the hospital and then to my brother’s apartment the following weekend. Now, things can go back to normal, meaning a cordial but not really close relationship in which I only see him and his family a handful of times per year. I can live with that. Seeing the baby was better than expected in some ways. I didn’t cry, but I felt weird and awkward and imagined that everyone was staring at me or knew that I was the infertile imposter holding that baby- or something. I noticed that it felt kind of peaceful to hold him, a feeling I think you can only get from holding a new born. I reluctantly admit to liking it. I say reluctantly because I tend to feel worse after doing that. It’s like there’s this missing part of me that only a child/baby can fill- holding my nephew and playing with my niece kind of fills that void temporarily, making that missing piece just that much more obvious when I leave. The incompleteness of my life is like a blinking light or something, it is just that glaring.

Things with E are ok- kind of. After a few disastrous weeks, we have decided to take a break at least until after New Year’s. We will probably do our last IVF cycle at that time, most likely at NYU. I have some mixed feelings about waiting but the truth is a few months does not really matter. I no longer believe that I am going to get pregnant with my own eggs. This cycle is therefore a throw away cycle, we/I are doing it because we have the insurance coverage not because we think it is going to work. For me it is like this, if you put a cookie in front of me, I will probably eat it even if I am not really hungry simply because it is sitting in front of me.

If I really think that my only options do not involve my biology, then time does not matter- at least from a medical stand point. The emotional toll of time is another story. I wanted this yesterday, but I cannot do anything to speed this up. E is not there yet, I have no choice but to give him time.

E is continuing with therapy- it is getting somewhat better, he seems less stirred up- so that is good. It is hard to be patient with things. E tells me that if I asked him right now, he would say definitely no to adoption or DE. He is working on pushing through that and hopes there is another solution. He cannot make promises. At least he no longer feels that IVF or another natural pregnancy is a real possibility, that is a step in the right direction.

I have made the decision that I will be a mother no matter what- which means I will do this by myself if that is what it comes to. I know that is a horrible thing to say, but I also know myself and I know that I cannot live my life and not become a mother. The details of all of this are overwhelming, I try not to think about that so much. E is aware of this, that is a weird thing to say the least.

So here I am in limbo land- somehow it is not so bad. After years of living my life on hold, I seem to be on a bit of rebound here. I am busier than ever at work, with patients, classes, and other opportunities. I have hired a trainer in an effort to bring “sexy back” to my life, both physically and emotionally. I have been shopping and buying myself new clothes like a mad woman. There is some guilt about spending money, and yet I somehow don’t really care that much. I want to feel better and if a new skirt is going to do that for me, I seem to have no problem with that. Irresponsible? yes- enjoyable? Absolutely (to note, I am not spending money we do not have, it is just likely money that we should be saving ).

So that’s it for now, no answers, no movement, more questions than answers- I think you can see why I rather just focus on new clothes instead.

A birth Story

2011-10-13T11:29:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to let you all know that my SIL finally had the baby (10 days late). A healthy baby boy. I promise to update you in more detail soon, but for now I will leave you with my fertility authority post that I wrote about the experience from my point of view. It is a post that I am really proud of.....

To Fast or Not to Fast: A Yom Kippur Question

2011-10-07T09:17:00.002-04:00

Today starts the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur. It is a fast day and is considered to be the holiest day of the year. Symbolically, Jews fast on Yom Kippur as a way to atone for the sins that have occurred in the past year. It is a holiday that comes on the heels of the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) and is in a sense a time of reflection and renewal.

I am not a very religious person. I am the go to temple a handful of times a year kind of girl. But, Judaism is a big part of who I am, perhaps more as a culture than a religion. Either way, it is something I identify with. About 2 years ago, I decided to not go to temple on the high holidays (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur), something I had never done before. I just could not imagine myself sitting in a temple around all these families and children (and likely pregnant women) and giving thanks to God for all his blessings. I wrote this post about it, it is one of my very first blog posts. And while it didn’t feel quite right to not be in temple, it felt even less right to go. I have not been back since. This will be the third holiday season to pass this way. I still see my family and do the big family dinners, but that’s about it.

So yesterday, I was sitting at my office kind of thinking through the plan for this Yom Kippur when it dawned on me, why am I fasting? My first thought was true to my snarky, infertile form “after what I’ve been through I think someone should be atoning to me, not the other way around”. But then I thought more about it. Do I really not have things to atone for or more simply things I am sorry for that have occurred over the past year? While I have certainly not murdered somebody or committed some other horribly, obvious sin, I do know I have done more subtle things like gossip, lie, or hurt someone’s feelings. Who can say they did none of those things in the course of a year. And while I would not really call those behaviors sinful, I also would not exactly put them in the “good girl” column either. To fast or not??? I honestly could not come up with an answer that felt right.

This morning as we were leaving for work, E inquired about dinner (we kind of stuff our faces before the fast because somehow we think that we keep us satisfied for 25 hours, it never works) and I told him that I may not fast this year. He looked at me kind of funny and when I explained why, he just kind of said “well, that’s one of looking at it”. Read as “I am not arguing about this with your irrational, infertile self so do whatever the hell you want.”

This journey is challenging in so many ways. I often wonder how truly religious people make it through. After all, my faith is clearly shaken and I’m not even so faithful to begin with. But, IF has led me to question nearly every aspect of my life, my belief in God is clearly one of them. I find myself a Jewish Atheist, which is a term that kind of makes no sense but is how I feel. I identify as Jewish, but not so sure about believing in the whole God thing.

My patient A, who I have talked about several times and who is at this point still battling her illness to her medical teams’ surprise, once told me that she had a priest come to her so she could make confession. She told me that she is not sure that she believes in that stuff but figured it could not hurt to cover her bases. Yea, I get that. Covering those bases is not always such a bad thing.

I have less than 12 hours to make a decision. Should I want to honor this holiday with a fast, I need to stop eating around 6:30 tonight and then not eat or drink until 7:30PM tomorrow (Saturday). Part of me wants to just go to the gym after work and order in as if it is any other Friday, but the other Jewish-guilt part of me is weighing heavy.

I am the Jewish, infertile Goldilocks- nothing is “just right” at this point. I get that, I have long ago given up on finding just right. Now, just trying to figure out what is right enough….

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

2011-10-02T08:48:00.000-04:00

So the good news is that my SIL did not give birth yesterday, saving me from due stealing or holiday ruining situations. I am thankful for that. The bad news, is just about everything else.

It all started Friday night. My therapist suggested that E and I take 10-20 min per day to discuss all these IF issues in the hopes that giving me designated time daily would help keep me from feeling like a nag who brings this stuff up all the time. Theoretically, this is a great idea. However, our conversation Friday night got way off track and lasted well over an hour.

You may remember that E has recently started therapy. Well, what you do not know is that I got him several referrals to IF specialist who would know the unique intricacies of what we are dealing with and one referral to more of a generalists who just happened to be located in a very convenient location for E. Can you guess which one he chose, despite begging from me about seeing a specialist? It has been a disaster. The therapist is pushing him to work on our marriage before making these choices about moving forward, implying that I have become obsessed with babies and we probably need a break. Technically this is a great idea, except that I wonder how she expects me to do this. Babies have seeped into every aspect of my life, I am not so sure how I am supposed to get around that. She is also obsessed by our sex life or lack there of. Now, I certainly agree this is an issue, buy any IF veteran is well aware of what happens to your sex life when you TTC. I am going to beg E to see a new therapist who may get this more. We shall see. I am worried that no good is going to come of his therapy- I am pushing for an answer and she is pushing for more time. I have no more time lady!!

Anyway, so let’s fast forward to yesterday. I woke up to a rainy day, ironic and fitting given that it was Baby H’s EDD (it rained last year too). Last year, we went to a nice lunch together and spent the day just being quiet with each other. E brought me flowers. But yesterday despite my referencing the date several times, I somehow realized in the middle of lunch that E had not mentioned anything. When I raised this issue, he told me he forgot. What ???!!! Let me clarify, he said that he did not actually ‘forget’ it’s just had not dawned on him yet what the date was or what the significance was. Another hour long (or possibly 2) of fighting ensued.

I have long accepted that E and I deal with this and understand baby H differently. An IF friend recently said to me that she thinks her husband views her baby loss as another BFN, that feels about right in this case too. And although this fact still pisses me off, I am beginning to accept it- it is what it is. However, given that E is aware that 10/1 is not just another date for me, I at least expected him to feel sad that I was sad or something like that.

I wish I could tell you what we were talking/ fighting about that afternoon, but I really can’t. I know it went around in circles and got nowhere. I know that we seem further apart than ever. I know I have no idea what I am supposed to do next.

I was embarrassed to write this post. What does this say about me, about E, about our relationship? What does this mean about the chances of us being able to stay together and find a solution? Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to do this by myself, although I doubt I really mean that.

At some point during our fight I asked E what he expected to happen by not choosing a path to move forward with. He said something like this “you kick the can down the street”- meaning you just keep moving along, even though he no longer feels that keeping going as we have been will result in a child. He wants to keep moving anyway because then we do not have to make choice.

I want to do couples therapy ASAP, E wants to continue with his asshole of an individual therapist. I am going to push him to do couples sessions at the same time. I have a bad feeling about this….

Cupcakes in Heaven

2011-10-01T08:56:00.001-04:00

Thinking of you today H. I live and breath you everyday.

I had wanted to post pictures of E and I on our first birthdays. However, E's could not be located. But, I decided I still liked the sentiment. So I leave you with a picture of me on my first birthday and one of E taken around age 2-ish (not a bday picture but you get the idea).

Updates and Landmines

2011-09-26T08:01:00.001-04:00

I have been trying hard to figure out how I am feeling recently and all I can come up with is that “this shit is hard”. I am very, very confused and I wish more than anything that somebody else would just make some of these hard choices for us. I honestly believe that half of the struggle of a BFN is knowing that you will have to figure out what to do next. Clearly there are times when this choice is easier than others, this time around, it is hard as hell.

Lots of people have been asking me how things are going with E. Well, not so good I guess. While he is somewhat more open to other options than in the past, he is far from where I need him to be. He is very much in the contemplative space where one day he sounds on board (ish) with things and the next that totally flips around and he is dead set against any plan that does not involve using both of our genetics. I am not tolerating this well. I know these things take time, but the truth is I have been TTC for 4.5 years, I feel like I have no more time or at least feel I cannot wait any longer. I have asked E for couples therapy- he indicated wanting individual therapy first- more waiting. I am slowly losing my mind. I vacillate between wanting to be patient with him and wanting to smack him in the face.

I am trying as much as possible to let things go, as the next few weeks are shaping up to be filled with landmines: SIL’s due date, anniversary of H’s EDD, Jewish Holidays, and a consultation at NYU. I started feeling all this free floating anxiety last night and thought “gee that’s weird, I wonder what I’m nervous about.” Really??? Am I really unsure where this anxiety is coming from? I think I need to focus on getting through right now not figuring it out.

So this is all for now. I am going to get my records to NYU for my consult. I am going to schedule auto-immune testing at Sher to just get it done, I will figure out how I feel about it later. I am hoping that my SIL does not go into labor on a holiday (Wednesday and Thursday night of this week) not because I am religious (which I am not) but because it will annoy me if this birth interferes in any way with my life. I like holiday family dinners, I don’t like holiday dinners canceled by babies. However, I will take that over the birth falling on Oct. 1 her actual due date. Come on Universe, throw me a bone here already!! And, yes, I do realize how selfish that sounds.

On a related funny note, yesterday I told E that I had an irrational fear that I was going to find out about the birth via facebook, he gave me “that look” that tells me he thinks I am an insane- no actual words, just that look. I think this time he might have hit the nail right on the head....

New RE: Back to Square One?

2011-09-21T08:34:00.005-04:00

So yesterday was my consult at the Sher Institue in NYC with Dr. T.

I must say Dr. T’s reputation of being a really nice guy was proven true. Sitting on Dr. T’s desk was my encyclopedia of a chart from my two other RE’s, I felt bad for him having to read all of this. The first thing he said to me was “so you are a Fragile X carrier”.

Let’s rewind. Before E and I started TTC, we had the standard genetic testing done. It turns out I am a carrier for the Fragile X gene mutation. Now, fragile X is confusing. It is not a recessive disease, meaning that both E and do not have to be a matched pair. Fragile X is an x-chromosome linked disease that can be passed from either parent and is the leading cause of inherited mental retardation. I am considered to be a carrier, meaning I do not have expressed Fragile X but I do carry a mutation for the gene. To make matters even more confusing, my mutation level is low and I fall into what they call the ‘grey area’, we can consider it a slight/ small mutation (but still not normal). The good news is that this means I will not have a child with expressed fragile X, but I am at risk for passing this carrier status on to my children and it also means that not a lot is known about the impact of the mutation on me. It is noteworthy that people who are considered to be pre-mutation carriers (the subgroup above my mutation level) are at risk for many potential issues among those are infertility, poor ovarian reserve, and early onset of menopausal symptoms (prior to age 40). What you should also know is that no RE has ever taken me seriously when I posed questions about my Fragile X status and my infertility.

Back to the present. Dr. T told me that there is virtually no real research on carriers at my mutation levels (I can find almost nothing on line as well). But, indicated that in his experience, every woman he has treated with my level of mutation has had a history like mine- meaning multiple IVF failures. While he does not think I am in early menopause and added that my ovarian reserve seems adequate, he suspects that fragile x could also impact egg quality and that this may explain the culprit in my IF. Now, one would think this would be devastating, but in fact it felt so validating. It has been historically really hard to accept that my carrier status was meaningless considering the problems that pre-mutation carriers face. It is so bizarre to have this come up again given that my diagnosis occurred around Jan. 2007!! Back to square one we go.

Anyway, Dr. T was not very optimistic. He told me that he thinks getting pregnant would be difficult in a case like mine- meaning after repeated ivf failures and in a woman who makes not so stellar embryos. He suggested more testing (auto-immune panel for E and I and a endometrial function test which checks for possible implantation issues). He discussed 2 protocol options: (1) estrogen priming IVF (2) or some kind of micro IVF which the cycle is thought would be best for me.

His plan would be to do a series of 3 stimm cycles, all done with minimal stimm meds and freeze all embryos.

He would do PGD testing on day 3 embryos, apparently at a lab where they can determine in the case of an abnormal embryo if the issue is with the sperm or the egg (cool, huh?). it is unclear if we will culture the embryos to day 3 or day 5. He told me he would transfer any embryo we had (if we have 6 we transfer 6) indicating that with my history the odds of 2 or 3 implanting are very slim. Yep, this I already know. Pre-transfer, he would do a endometrial biopsy to aide implantation and treat any auto-immune issues if those arise (also lovenox for my blood clotting issue as I have already been doing). Theoretically, this plan stems from my pregnancy with H which was naturally conceived and low stimm meds are as close to natural as possible. Dr. T postulates that perhaps high doses of stimm meds are impacting embryo quality for me (this is not so far off from Dr. S’s theory of stimm meds impacting implantation, hence my FET that just failed)

I asked him about DE IVF and he said that after auto-immune testing/ treatment he would give me a success rate around 70%, his clinic average, so perhaps this issue is on the table again (maybe).

I have many thoughts/ doubts about this plan and clinic. Overall, I liked Dr. T and felt good meeting with him. I also know that this center is not ranked as highly as my last center so it feels like a step down. I am not so worried about Dr. T but have concerns about the embryologists and the embryo lab. I also thought I would get some out of left field protocol with steroids and other things I have not really done in the past. While this approach is different, it is not so different and certainly not out of left field, not sure if that is good or bad.

We have an appt with NYU in 2 weeks. I still have frozen, shitty embryos. I have been asked several times how this consult went, I have no answer to that question. I have a possible plan which will probably not work given everything else. What am I supposed to be make of that??

Deep Breaths

2011-09-14T08:17:00.004-04:00

Last night, E came home after having a few drinks out with friends. I would not say he was drunk exactly, but he certainly wasn’t sober. He was, however, uncharacteristically talkative.

He told me he had a bad day at work, that he was concerned about business slowing down (which is very true, but he is ignoring the fact that things have been going well for the past few months prior), and that he “got into it” with a few coworkers that day. I pointed out that this seemed very unlike him and asked him what was going on, letting him know that he seemed snappier than usual. And then he really started talking….

He told me that he is feeling a lot of pressure at work (which is kind of always true for E and I find him particularly sensitive and less able to manage the ups and downs of his industry). But, then he started talking about our IF and the possibility of adoption.

He said that he knows that it is very unlikely that we will have our “own baby” (I hate that he calls a genetic baby that, but I also know that it reflects how he feels about this issue at this point, I am sorry if this offends anyone or says something negative about E, I am just trying to paint an honest picture). I told him that we still have our frozen embryos, as crappy as they might be. He basically told me that no baby is resulting from those embryos (a most likely very true statement). I reminded him that we have insurance money for one additional fresh IVF cycle. He kind of brushed that off as a waste of time, although he still wants me to keep the consultation appointments that I have scheduled. It is reassuring that we are finally on the same page with our expectations of a pregnancy resulting from ART/ IVF or even naturally (E has historically been convinced that we would be able to get pregnant on our own).

E and I have ruled out DE for the time being due to the 50% success rates that we have been quoted. Now, things could change at any point and I am leaving that door mentally open, but it feels like too much of a risk emotionally and financially. The genetic connection that he would share with the baby does little to make this option more attractive to E, he seems attached to my genetic connection as well which simultaneously feels sweet and odd, since I have told him countless times that I am not so worried about this anymore.

The word ‘adoption’ has been uttered in our house a lot more than usual recently. He talked about it a lot last night. It is hard for me to hear because I want him to have an answer, which he doesn’t have. Listening to him both makes me feel the conflicting emotions of hopefulness and pessimism within the same conversation. It is hard to take. But, E reminded me that I have been asking him to share his thoughts and feelings, good or bad, and that is what he is doing. I will find a way to tolerate these conversations.

I felt really sad listening to E. He told me that I deserve to be a mother and the he feels like the asshole who is denying me this by not adopting. I told him that if that is true, then so is the reverse, I am the asshole making him do something that he really does not want to do and ‘forcing’ him to adopt. He is clear that he does not want to adopt. He also told me that he does not want to lose me and cannot imagine a child free life for either one of us, but that he knows that both of those issues are possibilities.

I just audibly took a deep breath mid typing.

This is really hard. Part of me wants to make this ok for him, to tell him that he does not have to adopt, that he should not have to push through this because it is hard to see him struggle and this much pain. But, I know I can’t really do that. I have been dealing with this for approximately 3 years, it’s time that he get on this crazy train too. I know that sometimes we have to feel really uncomfortable to be able to make changes or difficult choices and that I should not disrupt that process, but it is admittedly hard to watch.

E’s therapy session was canceled last week. He is rescheduled for today. I am hoping that he comes home with all the answers tied up in a big, red bow. I clearly know that things do not work that way and understand better than anyone the slow process of therapy.

Things feel really weird right now, we are in a spot that I could not have really predicted. I spent the last 3 years pushing for DE, assuming that would be the easier option for E to get comfortable with, it appears I was wrong (at least for the moment). I have some consultations scheduled with other RE’s over the next several weeks, I am feeling ambivalent at best about this. I still feel angry at my RE and unsure what to do with my crappy frozen embryos. At the same time, my SIL is now full term and my entire family is gearing up for this birth, as demonstrated by my mother’s constant chatter about this as of late. Her due date is still on Baby H’s EDD. He should be coming up on his first birth birthday. I unrealistically like to have all the answers, clearly I am rather far from answers right now.

Deep breaths C…..

Infertility ADHD

2011-09-01T21:35:00.003-04:00

I lost my Kindle today. Given the state of my life one would imagine that this would not be such a big deal. In reality, it isn’t. On an intellectual level I know this. However, based on my hysterical reaction to this event, you would have thought that I lost my engagement ring or something really valuable/ sentimental. I went hysterical, tearing apart my apartment, calling E in a panic and in tears.

I know what happened, I think. My best guess is that I left it at the gym yesterday (of course nobody turned it into the lost and found and I am sure it will never be seen again). Sadly, the day before that, I left my heart rate monitor (I take my work outs very seriously) at the gym, luckily that was turned into the lost and found. Notice a pattern??? This is not really surprising. Post IVF, I become inflicted with what I am calling IF related ADHD (yes, I made that term up myself)- I am forgetful, inattentive, and disorganized in general. I run late (which I never really do), I lose stuff more frequently than usual, I can’t get myself up and moving in the morning. These are very non-me like behaviors that I hate, but are not so unexpected after a cycle failure.

Emotionally, I was doing ok all things considered, until my follow up appointment with my RE that occurred earlier this week. It’s been downhill since then. So this morning during my Kindle-losing meltdown, I knew that this was not really about the Kindle. It was about a whole host of other things.

That Kindle was a birthday gift from my parents. They just gave it to me in June, I had only been using it a few weeks and already had developed a kind of love affair with it. E says that we can just buy a new one and that I don’t even have to tell my parents that I lost it. He reminded me that they would understand the losing of it, I am human after all. He told me that it is a material possession and can be replaced. He is totally right. So why was I so upset by this? In my fit of nonsense blubbering, I said something about being a waste of money. That I did not deserve a new Kindle because I am careless and I lose things and then went on to say something about the cycle that my parents paid for- Bingo. That must be it. My parents paid for our IVF cycle in December 2010, it was one of the worst cycles I have had on record. Somehow, I never really dealt with that in the aftermath of the cycle, I think because my RE quickly came to us with the offer a free do-over cycle and we just focused on that instead. I kind of skipped over my feelings of ‘wasting’ their money. They spent $10,000 on a total bust of a cycle for their infertile, lost cause, Kindle losing daughter. Clearly, I have some work to do on this issue (Sometimes I hate being a psychologist and wish I could push the insight button into the off position and just float through life happier and oblivious).

I wish I could tell you that my melt down was short lived, but I can’t. I cried- a lot. I let myself feel bad basically for the rest of the day. I realized that sometimes when your emotional resources are so depleted, little things like a missing e-reader, just become too much to handle. I am hanging on by a thin, thin thread my friends and it does not take much for me to unravel.

I am about to go pack for the weekend in the Hamptons. I hate the Hamptons, it is pretty much everything I hate about NYC minus all the things I love about the city. We are staying with our friends, who are lovely, but they have 2 children and lots of friends who also have children so I am not so sure what I am getting into. I am brining my running shoes if I need a break and many, many, many bottles of Sauvignon Blanc. Truth be told, E is already out there and I am tempted to somehow ‘miss’ my bus. If I did not think he would actually kill me, I think I would do just that. I am hoping that when I cry on the Jitney (the cute name for the bus to the Hamptons) nobody will notice. For someone who tends to care a lot about what people think about her, I am doing a whole lot of crying in public places- oh well, that is why they invented dark sunglasses, right??

So Close but yet.....

2011-08-30T16:37:00.005-04:00

I have this distinct memory from the time we were losing baby H. I was meeting with my MFM team, we were trying to make decisions, we were piecing together all of the information. I remember looking at this doctor, who was perhaps the most caring, compassionate medical professional I have ever come in contact with, and saying to him something that implied that I cannot lose this baby because I may not be able to get pregnant again. I am not sure what I was thinking in that moment aside from the sheer desperation a mother feels when she is told that there is nothing that can be done. I just know that in that moment I wanted him to realize how much I wanted that baby, how long it had already taken me to get to that point, and how scared I was that I would never get back there. He was so kind and nice, but firmly, told me that I needed to make a decision based on what was best for this pregnancy and this baby. It was not, at that time, about my fertility history that had come before or what was to come after, it was about taking care of Baby H. I needed to hear that, I needed him to be that authoritative. I know he was right. None of that mattered except for baby H.

In the weeks and months that followed that loss, I remember thinking and sometimes verbalizing thoughts about getting pregnant again. What if I couldn’t? What if this was my one lightening strike moment? What if this was the closest I would ever get to a biological baby (or even any baby at all, biology aside)? I heard a lot of hope and optimism. “It is a good sign that you know you can get pregnant”, “you will get back there again”, “let’s try some un-medicated IUI’S since this pregnancy was naturally conceived”. I wonder how much other people believed all this stuff and how much they just said this to me to make me feel better, to get me through this loss. I don’t know. I do know that little voice telling me “what if….” never left my head.

Fast forward a year and half (and 3 un-medicated IUI’s, 2 IVF stimulations, one fresh transfer, and one frozen transfer), I am no closer. I don’t hear that optimism so much anymore (except of course from my MIL who likes to remind me all the time that I can in fact get pregnant).

I met with my RE today. Dr. S had no answers-literally none. Our appointment went around in circles to such a point that he actually told me that I can ask the same questions as many different ways as I would like, but he would still not have any answers for me. Admittedly, I was doing exactly that, asking the same question in 18 different ways. I feel like a three year old constantly asking her parents “but why… but why…”. I got nowhere.

I was told that I have 5 frozen embryos and that I should use those, ignoring I suppose the questionable quality of these left over embryos. I was told that IVF is not diagnostic and that we are no closer to answers then we were before this cycle began. I was told that there are virtually no more tests he could run that would garner any useful information (I was offered an endometrial biopsy but warned that this would not likely lead us anywhere). I was told that DE would not be discussed until after this frozen cycle, although I was told that egg issues are assumed (not proven) and that should I do DE they cannot tell me with certainty that the issues do not lay with the sperm or some kind of implantation problem. I was told that auto-immune issues do not apply to me and are considered with RPL around 10 or 11 weeks. I was told that PGD/ CGH do not result in pregnancy rates above and beyond regular IVF. I was also told that maybe I should consider counseling when I expressed feeling very nervous about not having answers and continuing with treatment (really, thanks).

I left in tears. Hot, angry tears that continued on and off throughout the day (at the gym, in the grocery store, on the subway). Eventually I wandered into Sephora and drowned my sorrows on $200 of makeup including bright red lipstick to make myself feel better. I am presently pouting at my desk (bright red lips and all).

I am not sure what to do. I have consultations coming up, but none of them sound good anymore. Every place has a drawback, whether that be clinic statistics, treatment orientation, or financial constraints. I knew this would happen. I knew that a BFN would bring with it more questions than answers.

I want someone to tell me what to do next. I feel incapable of making choices for myself about treatments or clinics or money. I even wanted someone to tell me what to order for lunch today just so I did not have to decide for myself. It is exhausting.

I think of that moment in the MFM office all the time. It has occurred to me over and over today. I almost want to go find that sweet doctor and say, “see I told you I would not be able to pregnant again,” as if that would do me or them any good. As if they might say, yes you were right, we should have let you keep that Baby H because that was the closest you were going to get (whatever that even means in light of his fatal prenatal diagnosis).

Do I sound crazy yet??? I kind of feel like I am…..

*******************************************************

I close friend of mine IRL has started a new blog about secondary IF, I hope she can find the kind of love and support in this community that I have come to know and love. Here is the link to her blog: http://hopinglightningwillstriketwice.blogspot.com/

Closer to OK

2011-08-22T08:25:00.004-04:00

My BFN came in on a weekend. That doesn’t usually happen at my clinic and I know that my IVF nurse just let me slide in. In all the beta days we have experienced, this may have been the first that E and I were actually together, there is something to be said about that. There is also something to be said about not being at work or having to go into work later or even the next day. Maybe all BFN’s should come on a Saturday.

The call came in earlier than expected. It was about 12:50, I had anticipated hearing after 2:00. E and I were on our way to lunch. We were on the street corner (for you NYC’ers we were on 2^nd ave, right smack in the middle of the subway building chaos). When I got the call I cried, E held me and then I cried some more- right there in the middle of the street. I just didn’t care who saw me, let them look at me.

After, E and I were really quiet. We walked around. We both sighed loudly and often. We passed at least 20 pregnant bellies and an uncountable number of children and strollers (dam you Upper East Side, why are all these families not moving to the suburbs where they belong??) We eventually took ourselves to lunch, sat outside in a sidewalk café, and promptly ordered 2 giant glasses of wine. Just to be disgusting, I ripped off my estrogen patches, all 4 of them, right there at the table- which was on the street, in public, in the daylight. Again, I just didn’t care who saw me and wanted those things off of me as soon as possible.

At some point, E looked at me and asked me for a therapist, for himself. He said he needed to work through his feelings and that he had a lot to think about. He did this on his own, without prompting from me. Because I have learned to take nothing for granted, I asked him to clarify this statement later on and he said he knows he needs to really think about DE and adoption and sort through his feelings about these options. I have never loved him more then when those words came out of his mouth. He did not say yes to either, but this is the most promising news to date in this area. I am pretty convinced that he will be more ok with DE. Truth be told, I am not convinced that this is the way for us. I have never been pregnant from ART. I am worried that there are possible implantation issues that I am unaware of. I am not sure I could get through a failed DE cycle and do not think we can afford multiple DE cycles or DE and adoption should DE fail. Deep breaths, one step at a time.

E is markedly sadder this cycle. Maybe it’s because we have never been together for the official news. But, really I think that it’s starting to sink in more. E really believed in this new protocol (as I guess in some ways did I- more on that later). I do not want to get ahead of myself, but perhaps he is really getting it. We have done a lot of cycles- A. L. O. T. I am not planning to beat the who can complete the most ever IVF cycles contest. Maybe we both know that this is it, or pretty close to it.

I am not sure what we are going to do next. We have 5 additional frozen embryos. I believe they are all of crap quality but I do need to ask more detailed questions about that. We have probably about $25,000 of insurance benefits left to use. We are able to do another fresh IVF cycle. I am sure that E will want to do this, I am also sure that I will have to be ok with that especially if he is willing to push himself in ways he never wanted to before. I keep tossing around other clinic options in my head: NYU, Sher, CCRM. None of them sound good, they all have draw backs. I am very confused. Deep breaths, one step at time.

I am ok. In some ways better than expected or compared to what is usual for me. I think it has something to do with E. Maybe I don’t need to react so dramatically when he can have some kind of reaction too. I sometimes get really quiet after a cycle and that is precisely where I am now. I feel like someone took out my batteries or something. I have no energy. If you left me sitting in front of the tv all day on the couch, I think I would just sit there and not move. But, life goes on, whether I like it or not.

I am ok. I can allow myself to drown in this or I can just let myself be ok. So today, I am not great or even good, but I am getting closer to ok…. It will be ok…..

Reflections on this BFN

2011-08-20T15:52:00.001-04:00

Well, that is the end of that. I am sure I have more to say. I can’t really think of what that is right now, I hope to have more updates soon. Life is unfair, but I guess I knew that already.

I am fine. I will get through this, just how I have gotten through what has come before. I have been through worse than this. I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

So for now, I am curling up on my couch with a bottle of wine and the remote control, if you need me that’s where I’ll be.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support. I have felt so loved this cycle that a mere thank you almost doesn’t feel like enough. Oddly, I feel bad in a way, like I let all of you down somehow, like I almost want to apologize for dragging you all along with me on this crazy, wild ride. I know that sounds kind of crazy. Thank you for believing in me, for supporting me, and for pulling me through.

This is not the final chapter. I guess that remains a work in progress.

And then there were two...

2011-08-18T08:18:00.005-04:00

Two to days to Beta.

I have woken up every day this week thinking we were a day ahead (I woke up today, Thursday, thinking it was already Friday). I guess that makes sense.

In the schemes of the 2WW that I have had, I would say that this is perhaps been the easiest. I am not sure why. All things considered, this actually should be one of the harder waits, but I actually think that the buildup (read as freak outs) that came before the transfer may have provided me the ability to get most of it out already. I guess, as always, the anticipation proves to be worse.

I have hardly looked at the picture of my embryos. That is unusual. I usually spend hours staring at it. I know where it is, I have not put it away, it remains out in the open, but, I barely glance at it. I have no good explanation other than being kind of disconnected in general.

I have experienced a few 2ww symptoms. I refuse to read into them. They can mean anything in a girl who is on 1cc of PIO and 4 estrogen patches. It is like reading tea leaves and is not worth me thinking about it.

The only thing I can really complain about is a rash I seemed to have broken out in on my FACE of all places. Little red bumps appeared on the side of my face on Monday and since then has started to travel down my neck. This happened once before and at that time my RE switched me from progesterone in sesame oil to ethyl oleate. We have no explanation for this one, I am already on the ethyl oleate. My RE wants me not to change meds until after beta. It is really not so bad, E says it looks like I have a sunburn unless you are really close up. But, I venture to say that anything that is on your face just kind of sucks. In reality, I think it is giving me something else to focus on, other than Beta- a welcomed distraction.

Overwhelmingly I would say that what I am feeling is cranky. I guess that makes sense. But I found that if you leave me alone and just kind let me be, then I am really fine. However, go try and tell me how to feel and you are going to get your head bitten off, at least that what’s happened this week with both my brother and my MIL. I say they deserved it (You tell me how you would like a rash on your FACE of all places, MIL??? I am sure it would not be so fun!!)

I have 2 days to Beta. Yesterday, I was texting with an IF friend. I told her that I almost want to skip beta and just continue to live in a world where I may still be pregnant. Beta is so final, so over when it’s negative. And if it’s positive…. well, let’s just say that past experiences tell me I have a lot to be afraid of. Don’t get me wrong, of course I would be so happy, but it feels scary and complicated, at least after what I have lived through.

So that is it, in 2 days we know. A cycle that has been a possibility since January 2010 is about to come to a close….. In the mean time, I am off to burry my head back in the sand. That is not usually my style at all, but right now the not knowing and the not wanting to know feels safer.

Update:
A few of you asked about my sick patient, A (i spoke about her in this post). She is still alive and still very, very sick. She has allowed me to continue to see her. I feel very blessed to do so. I will see her tomorrow. It is very sad and heart breaking. She told me recently that she feels different and when asked to explain, she said it feels like she is really dying now. I think maybe there some things we just can know, intuition is a powerful thing. My heart skips a beat every time I get an email from my contact with her family (my only way to communicate with A outside of session). I am afraid of the email I know is too soon coming. I know the end is near, any day now….

And I Feel Fine....

2011-08-14T21:33:00.004-04:00

I figured I would write a post while things felt pretty good, knowing that can change at any moment at this stage of the game.

I am arguably doing better (and want to make sure that you all do not think I am about to run in traffic or something like that). I think I got so much out on Monday at the transfer that there has not been much to say since then. Weird, right? Several people have asked me how I am over the past few days and my response is always “I am ok”. I think they are convinced that I am lying, but I promise that I’m not. I am fine, not great, but fine – and going into week 2 of the 2ww, fine is just perfect.

I had one minor melt down when E was giving me my PIO shots. I expressed hating it and he just sighed and told me that it will be ok because he had been thinking about it and he just knows I will be pregnant next week. I stared at him and just busted out in big, fat, flowing tears. There is always something in E expressing his feelings about a cycle that gets me every time. I can express it every minute of everyday, but as soon as he says one word- I lose it.

Speaking of PIO, the shots have been hurting worse than usual. My IVF nurse claims she has heard this before from patients who have completed numerous cycles, she thinks it is something about over time injecting into the same muscle or something. Great, another IVF veteran benefit. But, the reality is that there are worse things, I will deal with it.

I have been working hard at reminding myself that I should not read into symptoms. Of course, I do it a little anyway, but just a little. I have been reminding myself to take each day as it comes, remembering that my only task is to make it through the day, that’s all I need to do. It works sometimes, not all of the time, but sometimes is not too bad. I have given any sticks able to be peed on to E for safe keeping. There will be no testing before Beta. This is as good as it gets for the 2ww.

My beta is on Saturday. My clinic does not usually do betas on the weekends, but my IVF nurse (I love her) is letting me in anyway. By odd luck, my niece’s third birthday party is scheduled for that day. I have elected not to go. I bought her a great gift, which is usually what I do when I feel a little guilty- RSVP no and send a giant gift. But, in reality, this is about me taking care of myself and everything else kind of doesn’t matter at this point. I know my limits and that is out of the question for me.

This week is a little lighter then I would like it to be. I will try to fill in things here and there to help the week go faster. Although I guess we all know that time moves backwards during the second week of the 2ww. I will do what I can.

So mostly, I want you to know I am ok, I am fine. And I do mean this, at least for now. It is out of my hands (as if it was ever really in my hands). IVF sucks, but it is what it is. I put one foot in front of the other, close my eyes, and breath…..

You are all amazing. I am astounded and honored to be “surrounded” by such incredible, caring, supportive women. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

PUPO

2011-08-09T10:54:00.006-04:00

I am post transfer, I guess you can say that term applies to me. However, if I am being perfectly honest what I really want to do is put a giant asterisk next to that to remind you that, while I have once been pregnant, I have never been pregnant from IVF or any other forms of ART for that matter. So, what makes me (you) think that this time will be different? Well, I guess the answer to that is I don’t.

Arguably, my transfer went fine, I suppose. Tiny slivers of hope even started to appear from time to time. I felt more attached to the idea that, while our odds still might be low (20%-30% according to Dr. S), this protocol felt like our most decent chance at it to date- it was as good as it gets. At around 12:00, I got a call from my clinic containing no real information other than that they thawed 3 embryos and 2 survived. I hate how they do that, no real information provided just a number a time to show up for your transfer. That was the first moment that doubt started to creep in, maybe we should have defrosted them all after all? What are we really saving for a second FET anyway in terms of quality? Do I even want to do another FET? Ok, I guess we can say that it was more than a little doubt that crept in.

E and I arrived for my transfer at 3:00. My clinic has a separate IVF suite in the main hospital, so you actually go to a different building for morning monitoring and other appointments. I have been in the main hospital for 5 IVF retrievals and (now) 5 transfers (we did one additional IVF at another clinic that did not make it to transfer). It is also the same place where I lost Baby H. I think about that every time I step over the threshold, remembering what it felt like to leave through that same door without him that morning. There is always inevitably a mother leaving with her newborn every time I arrive there.

My transfer was fine. But, I am worried about my embryos. They are smaller than I expected at 5 and 7 cells. My RE said that the quality seemed pretty good for a frozen embryo. I know that frozen day 3 embryos are expected to lose cells. I also know that I have transferred perfect looking 8 cell embryos and have not gotten pregnant. But, I was still disappointed. Dr. S was upbeat, chipper even. I put on a brave face.

I was wheeled back to recovery area, picture of my small embryos in tow. The nurse proceeds to tell me that they have a lot of transfers that day so my recovery time would be shorter, 20 min instead of 30. Really? Are you kidding me with this? I go a very prestigious center, people travel all over the world to be seen here and you are shorting me 10 min of my rest time. Its bullshit if you ask me.

The nurse left to get E and when I saw him come into my little curtained off area, I started to cry almost on cue. E looked at me, sat down, and said “I hate this place”, later telling me that nothing good ever happened to us here, in this hospital in that IVF suite. He is totally right. His statement felt really validating to me.

There was nothing left to do. He kind of stared at me while I cried in my hospital bed.

I cried on and off most of the rest of that night. I think all of the emotions that I have been bottling up over the cycle just came pouring out of me, as if I had no control over it. I am feeling better today and am home resting (as if that actually does any good- insert sarcasm).

I am touched and honored by your support and your hopefulness for me. But, if I am being totally honest, I want to respond in an obnoxious, snarky way. I am human hope repellant right now. “Don’t’ hope for me, I am a lost cause”, I want to say. It is as if I can’t stomach the hope, at least not right now.

I am trying to remind myself that one day this will all be over. I may not know how or when, but I know that for sure, this cannot go on forever….

The Final FET Countdown

2011-08-05T08:23:00.004-04:00

FET countdown: 3 days

I feel weird. I have 3 days to go before my FET. I looked back at old posts and found this. This is the post where I talk about the plan to do a staggered, freeze all cycle. And yes, that date is correct, Jan. 14, 2010!! It is crazy to think that I am this close to the cycle that has been in the works for well over a year. Even crazier to think how much has occurred in that year and half, it makes my head spin.

I spoke to Dr. S yesterday about how many embryos he was thinking of transferring. I had assumed that this would be the all in cycle, meaning defrost everything, go for broke, and put the best 3-4 back in. Well, apparently not. Dr. S told me that he wants to thaw the embryos in batches so that we could have remaining embryos for a second FET if need be. Oh, ok. I guess he did not the memo that I am done with this. Between E and Dr. S, I am surrounded by optimistic men who still think we got a chance here. I just want to lay down and take a nap. I had not anticipated an additional FET. I know I should feel lucky to get to do 2 FET’s, but I am just ready to move on.

We do have a good amount of embryos. We have 8, day 3 embryos that are from 2 different stimm cycles. The 3 from the terrible cycle in December are poor quality and we are going to try not to use them. That leaves the other 5 (I think 4 are decent), so we shall see.

I have been on meds for 100 years (in real life it’s been 5 weeks) for this FET that was originally sold to me as the un-medicated cycle- insert laugh right here. I’ll show you un-medicated!! Just look at the 4 estrogen patches, yes that’s right 4, that are currently stuck to my ass. I am trying to figure out strategic patch placement that leaves enough cheek room for PIO injections and patches simultaneously!!

I am feeling anxious. Most of this cycle, I was feeling cranky. But, then I woke up yesterday morning to the distinct feeling of agitation and anxiety. I feel like I cannot sit still, I guess this is to be expected. Right now, I feel like the energizer bunny is buzzing around in my head and body and I am hoping that the next few days just goes by quickly.

I wish I could say that this is to be my last “own egg” cycle, but I know I can’t say that. Even so, I feel like there is a lot riding on this cycle. Maybe it’s the long 20 month build up? Maybe it’s being so close to my end (I cannot speak to anyone else’s end) I’m not sure. I am scared. I am nervous. I am worried about being too negative. I am worried about being too positive and letting myself buy into the allure of hopefulness. I am worried about getting trapped in the cyclone of unending cycles. I am ready to have my baby. Childlessness is not an option for me, but cycling until my uterus falls out is not one either. I am trapped. I am fearful. I am confused. I do not care about being pregnant anymore or anything else, I just want my baby- in my arms- NOW. Do you hear that universe???? I am talking to you!!!

How do you know?

2011-07-30T09:09:00.002-04:00

They say you just know when you know.

When I first met E, I knew. Almost immediately, I knew there was something special. I do not remember real conversations about monogamy or how we decided to live together, it all just kind of happened- smoothly, easily, without lots of questions or drama.

When E and I first saw the apartment that we now live in (we rented the same apartment on a different floor before we bought this one), we signed the lease agreement without hesitation. We just stood in the living room, looked at each other, and asked to sign a lease agreement- quick and simple. It just felt right, it felt like home.

If you asked me why or how I knew these things, I do not think I could tell you, it’s a feeling, an instinct. You just kind of know, as simple as that. Some things in life are just impossible to articulate, I cannot describe it, but you know it when you feel it.

This is pretty much how I felt this entire cycle. I have known the entire time that I am done with this. In the past, I have certainly felt frustrated and burnt out, I have said that I do not want do this anymore or that I have had too much, but this time feels different. I cannot really explain it, but I know I am done.

My last two IVF’s have been weird. In December, I was almost excited. It had been so long since we had done an IVF cycle (about a full year). It was the first IVF after we lost baby H, I was ready and possibly even a tiny bit hopeful. And then that cycle was a mess, hope gone. My March cycle was a totally different story. I was completely disconnected, I would have forgotten to take my meds had it not been for alarms I set on my blackberry. I was checked out.

So this cycle is funny, it is an FET, arguably easier than a fresh cycle- and even though I am on a boatload of meds for this “un-medicated” cycle (as my RE calls it), it is easier. I do not feel physically great, but I also do not full like my ovaries are going to explode as you when you are on stimms. There is less monitoring, less RE visits, it is just easier. But, emotionally it is harder. I feel angrier, more fragile, less stable. I feel set off by even little things. But, more than anything I feel like I can’t to do this anymore.

I have read many blogs and stories of women where an RE tells them that there is no other choice. When my good friend moved on to DE she was told just that,-her FSH was high, she had numerous miscarriages for chromosomal abnormalities. Her RE told her that there was a less than 5% chance of carrying a healthy baby to term with her own eggs and that it was time to move on. I wish for that. My RE tells me he thinks there is a good enough chance with my eggs, giving me odds (when pushed) some place between 20%-30%. He says things implying that it is not time to move on yet, at least from his medical perspective.

Sometimes I wish my RE would tell me that chances are 0% and give me permission to move on. It’s not that I need this permission anymore, but I think E does. I worry that me saying it is enough, will not be enough for him.

E and I have loose plan. I told him that I would do one more fresh IVF cycle should this cycle fail and then we would move on to DE. We have insurance benefits now, we can do that last cycle finically and physically, but emotionally I am just not so sure. I do not think I can do it. I foresee some really weighty conversations in my house in the upcoming weeks. I am not sure I have the heart to tell him no and to back out of our deal.

I do not know much these days, but I know this for sure: I am done. I am over this. It is a real, strong, palpable feeling. I am as sure of this as was the day I accepted a ring from E and the day I moved into this home. It’s no longer a matter of not wanting to do this anymore, it’s more I know I can’t do this anymore. I know I am done- for real, for sure. I just don’t exactly know what I am supposed to do next.

Countdown to FET: 9 days…..

My Not So Sunny Disposition

2011-07-27T19:21:00.003-04:00

My MIL once made a comment to me about how E has such a nice disposition. What she was referencing was his lack of commenting on something upsetting that was going on in his life (I think it was when he was out of work last year, but I am not positive). She said something to the effect of he has such a nice disposition and doesn’t want to worry me about things so he doesn’t talk much about it, implying how nice it is that E does not complain or seem to be bothered by things. The truth is that E has told me that he does not talk much to his parents about serious/ personal things because if he should do this he would be met by intense anxiety, in the form of 100 follow up questions and then later by 100 phone calls checking in. He is totally right. One time, he recently opened up to both of his parents and received about 15 missed calls from them because there was a 2 hour window they were unable to reach him. I am convinced that they thought he stepped in front of a moving train or jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge or something like that. I think in reality we were at the movies!!

I think about that comment often and wonder what it means to have a ‘good’ disposition. I by no means agree with my MIL. I think the bottle it up kind of people are not necessarily in better shape or the pictures of mental wellbeing. But, I worry about what I must look like or sound like in comparison to him or just in general to other people. (feel free to stop reading here, this is very redundant post and I have ranted about this issue many times in the past, apparently I have more to say or I feel like repeating myself).

I care a lot about looking like I am doing well or handling things in stride. I have this fantasy in my head about looking like wonder woman of IVF, see I can take these injections and look cute in that little outfit and boots (I love wonder woman's outfit!!!) all at the same time! I actually just typed that I have no idea why I do this, but that is not really true. I do kind of know, I just don’t like to admit it. I care too much about what other people think of me. I want to look strong and perfect and beautiful all the time and leave people wondering “how does she do it???” Well, instead, I am crying at my desk today and trying to patch cover up under my eyes so that my patients can’t tell that their therapist has been crying on and off all day long, I am sure that is not a comforting thought for them to have (luckily patients are very wrapped up in their own crap as they should be and would probably not notice if I chopped off my hair and died it blond).

I often feel like I am under a microscope. I get frequent comments from people updating me on how I am doing. Meaning, passing comments telling me things like “you seem like you are doing well” or “you seem better than before” or (more recently) “you seem more distant so I assume that means stuff is going on”. This only serves to confirm my fears/ fantasies and makes me feel like I am being graded on my coping skills and my behaviors, I either get an A or an F- there is nothing in between.

E can be both good and bad with this. Sometimes he tells me I am crazy (he knows this makes me so angry, tell me I am acting crazy but do not actually tell me I am crazy). Sometimes he is sensitive and sweet and asks a lot about what he can do to help me. It tends to be unclear which E I am going to get. But, if I feel under a microscope in general, it is certainly most potent in my interactions with E. He is always watching me, waiting to see what my reaction will be. Looking for the tears, but I think secretly hoping I will just shut up (this is my projection he has never said this). I think he would prefer me to have his ‘good disposition’, suck it up or hold it in, tell me you are fine even if you are not. I feel the pull to play the good girl role very strongly with him. I don’t think I can do it anymore.

This cycle has felt very hard on me (I will write more about that in another post). I am doing what I need to do, I am going to work, I am even holding up social obligations. But, I feel pretty crappy and tired. Last night, E read to me some crazy pro-life crap on FB and I totally lost it. He made me promise that I wouldn’t respond to the post and I respected his wishes, but I have to say that kind of sent me over the edge. I feel angry, no not just angry rage-full and sad. I normally can look past things like that and not take them personally, today I can’t. I do not have it in me. I know it is bad when little, silly things set me off like that. It is not a good sign.

I have about 12 days to go until transfer, my disposition sucks. My demeanor is unpleasant. I want to have a temper tantrum. If you are still reading after all that, you deserve a medal. I would say stay tuned for a happier post tomorrow, but I wouldn’t count on it……

Hope Is All Around Me????

2011-07-25T18:05:00.002-04:00

There is hope all around me. I mean all around me. Everyone appears to be rooting for me or us or our frozen embryos. Fingers are crossed all over the place. Prayers are being said. Good feelings are being felt for the outcome of this cycle. All of this being done by apparently everyone who knows me (and I bet a few who don’t even know me)- and then there is me….

I feel like I am standing alone in a room, the last hold out to not get on the hope train. I have a ticket. I showed up on time. I did everything I could do to prepare for the trip, except hop on board. I just can’t do it. I am not sure that I want to.

I would not say that I am feeling negatively exactly about this cycle. That’s not quite it. In fact, with the new protocol changes I would say that this is a decent shot, perhaps it is even the best shot we have had to date. But, that does not mean I am really hopeful. It is hard for me to explain the difference. It is kind of like feeling less bad or hopeless rather than hopeful (although I do admit that there is a good amount of skepticism mixed in there).

Hope makes me feel weird. I sometimes wonder if I have always felt this way. I’m not really sure. There is no real reason for me to think I have always been avoidant of hope, I have lived a very lucky life in general until IF and ART came along. I imagine that should give any one good reason to wrap their hands freely to some hope every now and then. But, now, just the thought of it makes me cringe. I can literally feel this tightening in my stomach when someone tells me that they have a good feeling for me or that this cycle is it- you can just imagine when someone tries to push their hope on me with “you just got to be positive” statements. I actually want to hit them when I hear them say these things to me. I usually grin and bear it and quickly find a way to change the topic of conversation (usually I find people like t talk about themselves so changing the conversation back to them works nicely).

Over the past 4 plus years we have been TTC, I have managed to collect my fair share of hopeful TTC symbols, mostly jewelry. Despite, my snarky, pessimistic ways I actually love all of these things. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because each one has been given to me by someone who really loves me? Maybe it’s because some of them have become symbols for Baby H and I always want ways to feel close to him. I am not so sure. But, I wear at least one of these every day, even when it doesn’t really match my outfit and kind of looks out of place, I wear it anyway. I am not sure to how to explain it. Maybe I am carrying the hope of others around with me, in some subtle more palatable way? Maybe that kind of silent hopefulness is what I need. I am not sure, I feel confused by it.

I leave you with this picture of my hope symbols. I may not be hopeful for myself, but I am very loved for sure. I am very lucky.

looking at this picture going clockwise:

Bracelet given to me by my college girls after we lost baby H
Silver seashell from my friend AF with the word hope inscribed on the inside, she has had her own IF battle
evil eye bracelet from my friend L, she wore this during her second pregnancy to bring luck
Wish bracelet from Israel, given to be from my friend R- she wore this while TTC and during 2 pregnancies both conceived via IUI
A ring from my friend A
Center, necklace from E given to me on my bday (chrams say my initial C and the word hope)

See, I am not be hopeful, but I am loved for sure.

FET Status Report: Where are we now

2011-07-19T08:28:00.002-04:00

It is hard to know how to follow up my last post about my patient. I feel silly complaining about or even talking about my meds and my FET. I am trying to remind myself that it is ok, this is my life, I do not have to be dying to be going through something. It is hard and I need to really coach myself through it. In my head, I hear a lot of self reprimand telling me to stop complaining so much. I am working on it.

My session with her Saturday was hard, really hard. I did not know how to leave or how to end the session so it dragged on for over an hour and a half after which I made myself leave knowing that my exhausted patient (it is hard for her to stay awake for a long period of time right now) was crying on the couch. She was admitted to hospice yesterday. I am not sure what my role is now or what kind of updates/contact I can expect. It is weird.

My FET is now in less than 3 weeks, 20 days to be exact. Thankfully, I am in the final countdown for something that I have been planning for way too long. I stopped BC pills on Saturday, and got a light period yesterday (somehow this surprised me, even though it shouldn’t have. I have never taken bcp for cycles before and thought maybe the lupron would prevent bleeding, even though I have had a lupron periods before. Heads up from my clinic may have been nice, I am an IVF veteran but newbie to FET). I am hoping the flotation devices formerly known as my breasts soon recede without those little pills. This is week 2 of lupron and I will start estrogen patches soon. So far, things are ok. I am bit more emotional, not sure if it the meds or just life in general. I got some major headaches this weekend (one which I would say was close to a migraine Sunday evening) which I am hoping was due to the bcp stopping/ impending period- who knows.

Cycling in the summer kind of sucks. Not only is it really hot outside, but these meds do not help with the sweating factor. If you do not live in NYC, you may not realize the amount of walking you do here. I walk a lot, which I generally like, but walking around on the baking pavement combined with the sweatbox that is now the subway stations and platforms it is becoming unbearable for me. I told E that since our cycle is covered this go around, I might just spend that extra money on cabs. I think he assumed I was kidding, I wasn’t. I think cab fare is a very valid medical expense at this point.

So that is about it. I am nervous, but sadly I think I am more nervous about the fact that we have some major decisions to make should this be a BFN then the cycle itself. It’s like walking the plank on a ship. Bring on the couples counseling….. we have a lot to discuss!!!

Life and Death

2011-07-14T15:37:00.002-04:00

One of my therapy patients in dying. (For the purposes of this post I will refer to her as A- details have been changed to protect her identity). This has never happened to me in my professional life, I do not specialize in the treatment of terminally ill patients. Truth be told, I don’t really know how to treat individuals coping with terminal illness, but last fall a patient of mine received a terminal diagnosis and in I went with her.

My therapy supervisor often points out to me that I worry too much about what I am supposed to do when patient’s present with big issues, her point being that I probably have to not do anything but help my patients try to understand what they are experiencing. That is often hard for me, I want to fix things for them, to give them something real and concrete to take away from the session. I am learning not to do this so much, it is making me a better therapist. The desire to fix things, and then consequently the resulting feeling of helplessness at the realization that I can’t, is no more salient then with my work with A.

A is young. I will not give you her exact age but she is younger than me. She was a bright, vibrant, funny person. She has weeks left to live, or so they think, and she will leave behind a large loving family and a devastated husband. My work with A has been hard and emotional for me, but I do not pretend to know the anguish that her family is presently in and that which stills lies in front of them. I worry about them constantly, I know A does too.

It is a very strange thing to be so close to someone in the process of dying. She is working on the untimely end of her life, I am working at creating a life. The ironies are not lost on me. A few months back, A had a close call and was in a coma, it was unclear if she was going to make it. I, personally, was in the middle of an IVF cycle. My RE’s office is part of the hospital system in which she was receiving treatment. I remember the morning I learned she was admitted and how dire the situation was, I had a monitoring visit that morning. When I opened the door to the building that my RE’s office was in, I was hit by the realization that less than one block away, she lied in a hospital bed, unconscious, her life hanging in the balance. I wanted to go to her, to run over that one block and just sit with her in her hospital room. But, instead I went inside and watched my ovaries on a u/s screen and tried to focus on how many follicles they contained. I cried the whole way home. I cannot even articulate why. The juxtaposition of these two things was too much, I think.

I often see citations of research likening the emotional toll of IF to dealing with cancer. I have read the research. I am not sure I agree, I think maybe it is like comparing apples and oranges- they are both hard, but I am not sure that they are the same. Or at least a terminal cancer or illness is not the same. Perhaps it is different when there is a fighting chance at life, I’m not really sure.

My father used to tell me often that I should be happy, despite my IF. I was not dying after all, he would remind me. This would infuriate me, rightfully so. What good is going to come of telling me that? I would respond lividly, reminding him that maybe I wish I was dying or that I would rather die than be unable to have children- easy for me to say, as a healthy, young woman. I don’t think I really knew what I was talking about. Having sat with A on her couch and held her hand and waited for her to die, I know I did not really mean that.

I have a little under 4 weeks until my transfer. A has been given under 4 weeks to live, based the state of her illness. It is likely she will die during this cycle. E reminds me that I keep “killing her off”, since I talk about the end so often in reference to her. It’s just that she seems so sick recently that I wonder if I am going to see her again when I leave a session, not that I want her to go (I know E knows this). Even today, knowing that I am scheduled to see her on Saturday, two days from now, when she asks me if she is going to live that long, I tell her that I hope so. I can’t lie and tell her that I know I will see her, she is asking a valid question. What if she doesn’t live that long? I cannot imagine what it must feel to know that you legitimately might not wake up in the morning or to be in so much pain that you just wish you didn’t.

It is hard to know how to feel. She is my patient, not my friend or family member. But, at the same time, I am her secret keeper. I hear all the dark, scary thoughts that she is too afraid of telling anyone else. When she dies, I keep them for her. While there is inherit distance in our relationship not existing outside of the context of therapy, there is inherit closeness in things that we talk about and what gets shared. I can’t exactly explain it. I just know that I am honored to be allowed to be a part of the end of her life. Her time is precious now, each moment is precious, and the fact that she chooses to spend some of those last moments with me feels like a privilege.

I have just come from A’s apartment. I will go back there this weekend, it is very possible that will my last meeting with her for a variety reasons. It is also possible that she lets me see her right up until the end. I don’t know how to feel about either option. My head feels jumbled and swimmy.

I have been having trouble giving myself the space to be sad about my cycle, so instead it is coming out more in anger than anything else. It is hard to feel like this is worthy of tears. In the words of my father (to his credit he has stopped with that), I am not dying and I do not want die, not even a little bit. But, I also do not want to keep living like this- strings of treatment cycles, is no way to live. If I am alive, then there has to be more than this.

I am working hard at letting myself be sad, even though there may be worse things than IF in this world. I am still going through something, it is still sad. I am sure that is better and healthier for me then feeling like I want to yell at every person I come in contact with.

I do not really know what I am doing- but, I can say this: It is a strange thing to be this close to death when you are trying your damndest to create a life.

Begin Rant

2011-07-12T08:19:00.002-04:00

Perhaps there is a reason why people do not do things like 6 IVF cycles. Things are going fine, I have nothing really to complain about. I am not even really doing an IVF cycle, this is an FET and is by default so much easier. So what is the problem here?

My therapist often talks to me about fertility treatments being about resources, both financial and emotional. Financially, we are in a better space. Not only are we once again a dual income family, but E’s new job comes with a nice pool of fertility benefits that actually cover IVF cycles (or at least up to $30,000 of IVF cycles). So it’s not the finances at this point. Emotionally, it is a different story.

Last cycle, I started to feel this disconnected feeling, so much so that I worried I would actually forget to take a medication dose. My head was just not in the game. This cycle, I seem to be doing well remembering my meds, in fact I remember them all the time. I remember them so much that rather than disconnected I am feeling totally resentful. Resentful that I have to do this again- resentful that “normal” people don’t have to do 6 ivf cycles (and countless other forms of ART)- resentful that my 35 year old SIL is happily/ easily pregnant with her second child while I am stabbing my swollen belly full of lupron- resentful that I was only able to get pregnant one time in over 4 years only to have it end in such a horribly tragic way. I am even resentful that we have all these insurance benefits at this point. I realize that makes me sound ungrateful. I promise you, I’m not. I have largely paid out of pocket for IVF and have spent over $60,000 on ART, I do understand the value of this benefit. But, I have to say it is annoying to have these options at the point in my story where I just want to be done.

I will get through this, I always do. It is simply about putting one foot in front of the other and just going. It will be fine. I like to remind myself that I only have about 5 weeks to go, I can do anything for 5 weeks. I know this is true. However, that does not mean that I am happy about it or that I want to do this anymore or that I have to like any part of this cycle. I am tired, I have had enough, I am just simply over all of this already. So, if you see my ending in site, please let me know, (happy or not) I am really needing to see that light at the end of this crappy tunnel already.

End rant….

C vs FET - take 2?

2011-06-30T07:46:00.001-04:00

I think the punishment of putting my plan in writing on this blog is that my plan gets totally changed. Labs taken on Friday (of last week) revealed that I had already ovulated and likely several days prior – thank you digital OPK’s, I am glad I spent $37 per kit on the two I used this month. On Sunday, I started feeling like I was going to get my period and Monday I went back in for labs, convinced that my cycle was about to get canceled again. (you may remember that this cycle already got canceled once, again for an ovulation issue, this time because I ovulated late and missed the window before the clinic closed).

Cue Tuesday… I spent about 2 hours on the phone back in forth with my IVF nurse. Once again a good reminder of how IVF is like its own part time job- luckily summer is slow season so I had the time, but coordinating something with so many moving parts is just a nightmare.

The plan now is to wait to get my period and then go on birth control pills for 2 weeks (which I needed to get special clearance from my hematologist to do), lupron, and estrogen patches. I am slightly unclearly about the exact time line. I expect my transfer some place around Aug 8^th – Aug 15^th. Luckily, my delay will only be 1-2 weeks long, depending on when I get my period this cycle. I am glad that the delay is short and that we can use bc pills to control my cycles, which have become really erratic recently and seem to have no rhyme or reason to them. My clinic is blaming meds, but I have not taken meds since April so who knows. Maybe that lends credit to this non-medicated uterus theory if my body just has a really large reaction to stimulation meds.

So I sit here now content and relieved, but Tuesday I was a disaster (and part of Sunday and Monday too). It brought up a bunch of feelings about getting through this process and what all these bumps and curves feel like (I wrote a post about it for that for the Fertility Authority).

C vs. FET- take 2 is on, at least for now- you never know if we will need a take 3 or 4 (let’s hope not).

It's All In The Details: C vs. FET

2011-06-24T09:08:00.000-04:00

So, as promised I can finally give you the rough plan for my FET. I am calling it rough because we all know how these things tend to go.

I have 8 frosties in total from 2 stimm cycles. 3 are from the disaster cycle in December 2010, 1 fertilized normally and 2 late- they are all small (3, 4,and 6 cells). I am told to not count on these and I think they hope not to use them. That leaves 5 embryos from the cycle in April, 4 of which are good (ranging between 9-5 cells). I am hoping to have 3 to transfer and have been told to expect to lose about 20% in the thawing process.

As for meds, I am slated to start lupron in about a week that is if I ever ovulate. Today is CD 21 and no positive OPK yet. I went in for labs today just in case I missed it. The trend recently has been for me to ovulate later (between CD 19-22), unfortunately, I am still getting my period around day 31-32. Can you say luteal phase?? My IVF nurse indicated that is not a worry since we are doing a medicated FET anyway, but still- really another issues??? I am hoping this is just a reaction to IVF meds and only small breaks between, but who knows.

Anyway, back to the cycle, I expect to start estrogen patched around July 13^th when my clinic re-opens. I thought that I would need to be on Lupron longer than necessary due to this closure, but I am actually being saved by my late ovulation, so if I am on it longer, it will only be a handful of days- I am very thankful. Hey, I take it where I can get it at this point. I am told that I will be using 4 patches per day. I have never used these before so any heads up as to what to expect is appreciated.

We expect to transfer around Aug 1 and Dr S will be able to do the transfer himself (I love that he likes to play music in the OR, usually opera). I am comforted that he will be there to take care of me himself.

So how am I feeling?? Well, it is hard to answer that. First, I want to put a huge asterisk next to the word FET and let people know that this is not a normal FET. Historically, when I see people talk about FET or having embryos to freeze I would get jealous (sad but true). I was jealous that I never have frosties, hell I don’t even get to blast and settle for day 3 embryos every time. I am not sure if these embryos actually meet freezing criteria. In fact, I know that nearly half of them actually don’t, but that we elected to freeze everything. This makes this cycle feel like not your average FET or less good then other FET’s. The entire point of this cycle was to do the FET and transfer into the un-medicated uterus (interesting how this is the un-medicated uterus given all the meds I will actually be taking- apparently that refers to stimms not anything else). This kind of cycle has been talking since Jan 2010, before I found out I was pregnant (you know the rest of that story) so I am excited to finally get to test this out.

But, hope is still low. Dr S is putting our odds around 20%, although he cautions me to not make too much out of that, letting me know that he is just guessing.

There are some twinges of hope, but if I am being honest I think that excitement I felt was more about the fact that the timing of things is working our better than expected, not over the actual cycle. I am starting to believe that Donor Egg is our answer and have this feeling that I cannot describe that tells me this is going to be the way for us. I am excited that there feels like there is a way, but know we have a ways to go before that point.

A big thank you to you all for buoying me along and supporting me through this- I am holding on to all of you during this next part of this journey…..

C vs. FET is a go….. (well almost a go!!)

Happy ICLW Week

2011-06-23T08:07:00.003-04:00

Happy ICLW Week!! I have not participated in this is a while. However the other day I was scrolling through my blog roll and realized that most of the blogs I follow had crossed over into pregnancy or parenting blogs. I felt like it was time for some new blood and to find others still struggling through like me. (I promise I am still following all your blogs and love to read along this new part of your journeys!!).

It is hard to sum things up in a nutshell. You can get more information from my “our Story” and “ttc timeline” pages. Basically, my husband E and I have been TTC since March of 2007. After 6 attempted IVF cycles, a bunch of medicated and un-medicated IUI’s, and one second trimester loss, I find myself no closer to our take home baby.

Presently, I am gearing up for our very first FET. I should be starting Lupron soon and expect my transfer to be around August 1^st. We have a bunch of day 3 embryos waiting for us on ice. This cycle is an attempt to test my RE’s theory that my embryos may do better when transferred into the “un-medicated” uterus and we purposely did IVF 6 in order to do this frozen transfer (we actually were able to also do a fresh transfer due to better then usual fertilization rates, unfortunately that cycle ended with a BFN). We are also starting to explore Donor Eggs and I am eager to get more information about that.

I love my blog and find writing a huge release. I do not promise to have all the answers, but I am really open and honest about my feelings and my struggles. This community has become a huge support system for me and I am so grateful to be a part of it. I look forward to getting to know you all!!

A Father's Day Tribute

2011-06-18T09:53:00.005-04:00

I have a great dad. Even though we have been bickering more lately (stress related I am sure), I can still say this. My dad was almost always home for dinner, he went to all my games and recitals, he coached my brother’s teams, he moved me in and out of countless dorm rooms. He even tried to teach me how to throw a ball despite my limited athletic abilities (I think I frustrated the hell out of him and even managed to give myself a few black eyes from baseballs/ softballs to the face)

Infertility has been weird for us. In some ways it has brought us closer. I need him and my mother more, I am sure on some level that feels good to parents of adult children who are not needed so much anymore. We talk about things that we both acknowledge as weird conversations between a father and daughter on topics such as ovaries and ovulation- who talks about that stuff with their fathers. With infertility, I guess there is no avoiding these topics. I know this is hard on him and my mother, what parent does not have trouble seeing their child struggle or be in so much pain. I am sure I cannot even imagine how helpless this must make him (them) feel.

I have been thinking a lot about my NT scan (that was when things fell apart for me and baby H). I told E he did not have come with me given that he had just accompanied me to my first OB appointment and it seemed silly to have him take another day off of work. I somehow did not realize what a big deal this scan really was. My father called me the morning of the appointment and asked me if I wanted him to come with me, not to go in the room, he said, just to sit with me in the waiting room. Later, he told me that he and my mother never stopped worrying about the growth delays and were very concerned that something might be wrong, they never said this to me until after (probably a good thing). I stupidly declined his offer and went alone to the scan, which meant when we got the bad the news there was nobody with me.

I remember stumbling out of the exam room and calling E to squeak out the report. I remembering dragging myself myself into a cab, where I called my dad and told him nothing more then I needed him to come to me. No report, no news, just “come”. My father was the first person to get to me (E was coming from further away). When I opened the door to my apartment to let him in, I literally fell onto him and sobbed in his arms. He asked no questions and just let me cry and cry. I remember getting makeup all over his shirt. He stayed with me all day. We tried to reach my mother but she had left her cell home that day- so it was up to my father to take care of both E and I. A parent’s job is never done. My father has this saying about having broad shoulders when he wants to let me know that he can handle something emotional that comes his way. Well, his shoulders must have been miles long that day.

I have often wanted to talk about that day with my father and thank him in some way for being there like that, but, that day is so hard for me to talk about that I cannot get through it without breaking down. I can’t figure out how to have a coherent conversation with him about it. Maybe I will send him this post.

I feel so grateful to have both of my parents in my life, but the bond between father and daughter is different and unique. I literally know that he would do anything for me. That is an easy thing to say. But, my dad has communicated the true meaning of this, not in words, but in a feeling. I know it is true in my bones. It is the best security blanket a girl could ask for.

Wishing my dad a very happy Father’s Day. I love you!

Where do I belong?

2011-06-13T16:54:00.000-04:00

My therapist is a wise woman. I think we all want to believe that the ones that help guide us through this process are somehow smarter or more enlightened then we are (I like to believe this about my RE as well). I realize in saying this that my patients probably think this of me, little do they know that half the time I have no clue and am just trying to keep my head above water. I am pretty sure my therapist would say something similar about herself. Anyway today we were talking about me fitting in.

I told her that I wanted to cancel all of the plans I had in the upcoming weeks, that I hardly feel like socializing, and that I am finding it increasingly hard to know where I fit in anymore (for all the obvious reasons). I told her that even in the IF community, my former safe place, this happens just by nature of my ‘veteran’ status and the uncountable number of women who I have watched cross over to the other side of things. If I cannot even fit right in this community anymore, then what????

In all her wisdom, she told me that I probably am looking for the wrong thing. That to her, it sounded like I was looking for a mirroring experience of sorts- to find somebody and say, yes you are exactly like me. And while she understands why I would want this kind of experience, she told me that maybe it was time that I stopped looking for this. Hmmm, good point.

Realistically, maybe I am looking for the impossible, this romanticsized twin-ship experience. Even in the IF community, it is rare that I will find someone with my exact history. She encouraged me to compartmentalize a little bit more and start getting different things from different people, instead of just looking for that one or two exact replica, “you get me 100%” experiences.

So I realize that this is not rocket science here, so why does this feel so important to me? Well, I think I was holding myself back, not allowing myself to really relax into a relationship unless there was more common ground and since there really is no common ground anymore I have been withdrawing from too many. “oh you only did 3 IVF’s, well you could not possibly understand what it means to do your 6^th then,” were things I often would think- cue withdrawing. But no, I need to stop, change my expectations, and figure out where the common ground is. Not just dismiss people as useless to me at this point. Oh, you are infertile too= common ground. Oh, you’re a therapist= common ground. Oh, we were friends in college= common ground. I too easily slipped into this holier than thou attitude of “you cannot possibly understand me”. Well the truth is, most people can’t possibly understand me , but I can chose to let that isolate me or I can chose to get something out of my relationships, as imperfect as they may be, and not make myself into an outsider all of the time.

I am not sure where I am going with this exactly. I still feel like an oddball that does not really fit in, but I am trying to figure out how to make that feeling just be ok. I don’t’ fit in, I am a 36 year old, childless, married woman- I have no real peer group. So instead of embarking on the fruitless search of finding my peer group, I am going to figure out how to make do without one. Now this does not mean that I want to start going to lunch with all the mommies or attend anyone’s baby shower, but I think I need to re-read this post the next time I want to cancel plans with someone and work on resetting my expectations.

Birthday Blues

2011-06-10T08:12:00.003-04:00

This is my last day being 35. I have a case of the birthday blues (which is lovely since I had a case of the anniversary blues last week- It’s not easy when all your celebration days are stacked together during times when you just can’t seem to get ‘it’ up).

I’ve been trying to think about why this is bothering me so much. I’m not really so sure. Best I can tell, it’s something about defining advanced maternal age by a woman being 35 or over. So why you ask was I not more freaked out by turning 35 itself? Well, I probably was, but seeing as that birthday fell about 2 months after we lost baby H, I was lucky if I could remember my name let alone care that it is was my birthday. Maybe I feel like 35 is the border of advanced maternal age so I was still hanging on somehow, I really have no clue.

My therapist often challenges me when I talk like this, telling me that it is not as if my fertility suddenly falls off a cliff on my 36^th birthday or that my eggs are even aware that they are approaching my imagined expiration date. I understand that. I just had my most successful IVF cycle to date, in terms of mature eggs and rate of fertilization- that’s a good sign for sure. At the same time, I am filled with flashes of the charts I read in the genetics department about the rate of chromosomal abnormalities and age. I secretly wish for younger eggs.

My mother is working overtime to try to cheer me up and get me excited for my birthday. I am not a birthday person but seeing as it falls on a weekend this year, I feel forced to do something. I have no clue what I want to do. Nothing really appeals to me. I guess that is the problem when you are mildly depressed (or not so mildly), everything just feels blah. When I say I don’t know what I want to do, it’s because I really don’t- I have no idea what I would feel fun anymore. Sad but true. I am going to let her figure out for me instead, less work for me.

On another note, I spoke with my IVF nurse and due to the clinic closure I not only got pushed back but I will also be on lupron longer so that they can better “time” my cycle, fun for me. I expect to start lupron in about 2-3 weeks but do not expect my transfer until Aug 1st. We shall see.

They need your love: Please go over and give some love to my good friend Lis- After losing her twin girls a few years ago, she lost her babies, Thomas Albert Junior and Bayli Rae, this week at 21 weeks. Egghunt, also lost her tube due to a ectopic pregnancy, she has already been through so much. I am heart sick over this and wish this community did not know so much pain

Lastly, please check out my latest Fertility Authority post (Anniversary Reaction). I am really proud of this post about my anniversary weekend. I thank you for your support.

Love to you all…..C

Updates and Whining

2011-06-01T08:11:00.002-04:00

There is not so much going on here. My BFF left this weekend. We had a really nice going away party for her Saturday night, complete with champagne toast and video tribute. I thought I would be emotional that night, but I kind of wasn’t. I don’t think it really hit me (it probably still hasn’t). All my college friends were in, which was great. Sadly, even though those are probably my closest friends, I worry I how I fit into this group being the only married woman with no children. My BFF served as my buffer with them and sometimes my PR agent, filling the group in on what was going on with me so that I did not have to do it myself (coward’s way out I know). I am worried about navigating through them without her. I am sure none of them are thinking any of these things and feel welcoming and accepting of me, my head just plays mean tricks sometimes.

On Sunday and Monday I felt cranky and exhausted, having only slept 3 hours on Saturday night after the party. I felt like I could burst into tears at any minute. And I was acting like a big baby. All these stupid little things made me want to cry and I felt like I was being a spoiled brat about all of them. I hate that.

First, I realized that I had nobody to invite to celebrate my birthday in 2 weeks. I am not even a birthday person so I am not sure why I even care, but there is something about the knowledge that even if I wanted to extend some invites, I really couldn’t. I am dreading turning 36. When I look in the mirror, I feel like I still look young, but the sound of that 3-6 just sounds like a bad number for someone who has still not conceived a baby. It is like no good things are happening to my body and my eggs at this point (old lady).

E and I also realized that a vacation was not the smartest idea right now. I had spent the entire past two weeks researching flights and resorts. It felt like it was the only thing keeping me together since finding out that our cycle was pushed. It’s not that we can’t go, it’s more that we shouldn’t go given that we are just now starting to get back on our feet financially. This is a smart, grown up decision, after which I pouted like a baby and tried to hold back tears- the sign of a very mature 36 year old woman, right? We are planning to go some place in December/ January, when things should be more financially stable- this feels like little consolation to me now. All I want to do is sit and cry about having nothing to look forward to (the whining is starting to even annoy me at this point).

I forced myself to return calls and reach out to people that have been trying to make plans with me for a while. Truth be told, I did not want to do any of those things. I knew I had to/ it was good for me, so I made myself do it. I am sure I will not really want to see any of these people, but I am making myself anyway.

This coming weekend is my 6^th anniversary and the following weekend is my birthday, I want to pout through both of them. I am busy over here working on how to make myself NOT do that. I am declaring the anniversary an infertility-free zone, in which there will be no talk of IF. I am sure E will have no issues with this, for me well that is another story…. We shall see how that goes.

One bright note, my brother was one of the people I made myself call this weekend. I hated every second of that call, except for when he told me that according to my SIL’s ob/gyn she is currently 15 lbs over her weight at this point in her pregnancy last time. Why did that make me smile??? Mean, but true.

For all of you having issues commenting with Blogger: Someone suggested to me that I download goggle chrome as my web browser, this seems to fix the issue and allow me to comment as normal.

**A friend of mine is organizing a fertility workshop in NYC on June 18, for more information check out this link**

Purpose

2011-05-26T08:11:00.002-04:00

I wrote a post last week about my pregnant patient and I how I felt about that. Well, unfortunately this woman experienced a miscarriage which occurred last weekend. Of course I was worried about her both from a physical and emotional standpoint, but since this is a blog about me, I am going to talk about how I felt about this.

My first impulse was intense guilt. Let me explain, often when I hear about a pregnancy I think some not so nice things in my head. But, should something bad happen to that person, I then feel this irrational guilt as if my thoughts somehow willed this to happen. I realize this makes me sound insane, but it is hard to not feel guilty when you think some not so nice things and then some not so nice things actually happen. Not that I ever wished this patient a miscarriage, but I did get caught in the “why you not me” song and dance.

My second thought was about how I was going to get through our next session. How could I get through that without over identifying with her in some way and telling her my life’s story (something us psychologist types tend to frown upon). I had spoken at length with my therapist and supervisor about dealing with a pregnant patient in general, yet had little time to prepare when this new piece of information came in. Regardless, I tried to remind myself that I felt grounded in this case, in my skills, and in my relationship with this patient. I took a deep breath and….

Well, what happened next felt amazing. Instead of feeling overwhelmed or over identified, I felt grounded and relaxed. I know that I am in a good space with a patient when I actually feel physically solid in my own body and in my chair (I know that may make no sense to some of you but that is the best way to describe it). I did not feel over identified with her, but did feel that I had a unique understanding of where she was coming from. I knew to avoid the clichés that we all hear too often (it’s a good sign that you can pregnant, this is just nature’s way, etc). I knew how hard this was/is- and that was amazingly freeing.

At the end of that session, I felt wonderful. Not because I am happy that this is happening to her- far from it, but because I had found something in that session- some kind of purpose, direction. I could hear a voice in my head telling me that this is what I am meant to do.

Now, I know that I have a long ways to go. Even though this session went smoothly, I know I am not ready for this kind of work. Not until I have some resolution to my own fertility story, that is. I have talked often about not knowing why this is happening to me and how to make meaning out of all of this, I am not sure that I ever will. But, this new direction has certainly gotten me a lot closer.
**** Hey you blogger users, I need your help! I am having trouble commenting on your blogs, especially if I need to verify my user name and password to comment. It will not keep me logged in (even when I enter my info) and forces me to comment as anonymously. Any idea????? P.S. this is probably why you have not seen a comment from me this week  Help!!!!

Officially Benched

2011-05-20T19:47:00.002-04:00

I am officially benched. CD18 and still no signs of ovulation. WTF. I am not even close to understanding what is going on inside my body, but given that we need to do IVF anyway, I assume we bypass ovulation/ luteal phase defect kind of issues. Yet another chapter in the “IVF will take over your life and ruin your schedule” book. I plan to spend the next month or so drinking wine and coffee, eating sushi and soft cheeses, and running my ass off (hopefully both figuratively and literally).

Sienna made a great point in my last post about the state of things at the clinic right before they are getting ready to shut down for a few weeks. Perhaps it is a better thing in the end to be the first cycle back in, rather than the last one out.

My 6th wedding anniversary and 36th (ugh) birthday are quickly approaching as is the departure of my BFF. It will be a big month, so maybe it is ok to not add anything else into the mix.

On another unrelated note, it has been raining all week here in NYC (I mean all week). The nice thing about naming your baby after a weather pattern is that you get constant reminders. I hear you, Baby H, loud and clear……

Benched?

2011-05-19T07:46:00.004-04:00

My body did not get the memo apparently. According to yesterday labs (taken on CD16) I have still not ovulated and its looking like things are far from that point. I go in Friday for repeat labs just to check, but if things continue on this path, we are benched for this month’s FET due to the clinic closure. We would then be pushed out to July, starting lupron in June.

As E pointed out, this is not really a bad thing. He wants to go on a mini vacation around our anniversary/ my birthday (6 days apart). It might be nice to not have to be on meds during my BFF departure from NYC and her going away festivities (that I am hosting). I guess I see the point. I just started running again (for no apparent reason) and it might be nice to not have to give that up again so soon.

But, if I am being honest, I think I am rationalizing. As much as I was dreading this cycle, I also just want to get it over with already. I am kind of mad of myself for not pushing to do this sooner after the last failed IVF but I just could not get myself to do it. I am not the kind of girl who bounces back fast physically and emotionally post IVF. I tend to need more time to regroup and this regrouping has created an IF journey that has gone on over 4 years. Ugh….. There is a baby who is about to turn 3 this month. Her mother started to TTC for her after I did and she is 3!!!!! Come on already. Please let me know how you stop time a so that I can catch up to everyone else in my life who all seem to be moving on- me not so much. It’s the treadmill of TTC. Same story, different day.

I will keep you posted and let you know how things go on Friday, but don’t hold your breath. This is me we are talking about, I tend to catch very few breaks when IF is concerned….

The Infertile Therapist

2011-05-11T08:51:00.005-04:00

I knew this day was coming. In fact, I am kind of surprised that this did not happen sooner. Yesterday, my patient walked into my office, sat down, and said “I’m pregnant”. Immediately, my head started swimming. Crap, what I am supposed to do now?

My patient is a lovely woman. I am happy for her. But, this is was her first official month TTC, she is about 40 lbs. over weight, suffers from pretty intense anxiety, and is married to a man with some anger management issues (and possibly what I suspect is mild Asperger’s Syndrome). It’s not that I think this will make her a bad mother, I actually think she will be great at it. It’s more the unfairness of it all, once again- somehow there is never escaping from that. But, this post is not about her, so back to me.

In my head, I immediately began to panic. My patient was talking about how she is feeling both physically and emotionally- the whole of this experience- fear, excitement, joy, ambivalence- all of it. And here is me, sitting in my chair, wondering how I am supposed to listen to this for the next 45 min, not to mention for the next 9 months.

I am lucky as I have long term relationships with both my supervisor and my therapist. They will hold my hand and help me figure out what to do and how to be. They will give me the space to say the things that I am thinking but will not say to my patient. I am calling them both today.

I think about the intersection of my IF and my work often. My job is hard when you are going through something this profound. I do not mean to imply that I have the hardest job in the world, I know I don’t actually. But, my work requires a lot from me emotionally and it is necessary for me to be very “present” with my patients. This hard is when I am going through a lot emotionally myself or am physically tired from medication or distracted by IF worries and concerns. It gets hard.

Sometimes I think that going through all of this makes me better at my job. I am more tapped into my emotional side and therefore feel uniquely able to go to those emotional places with my patients. And yet, other times I feel so emotionally overloaded that I feel shut down and dissociated from feelings in general, making it difficult to really connect with my patients.

I worry about doing a good job. I hate when I know that I am not 100%. I doubt my patients notice much, but I feel that they somehow deserve better than a therapist who is drowning herself.

I worry that other people (not my patients) like friends and family members (sometimes you guys) expect more from me because of what I do. My cousin said it perfectly once. She is a physician and was telling a story of a friend of hers who is a pediatrician. When this woman gave birth to her baby, everyone expected her to sail through it beautifully, after all she knows everything there is to know about children and babies. My cousin told me it was hard when she struggled like every new mom does. Well, of course she struggled!! - I worry too, that I am expected to have it all together emotionally, to know what to do next and how to feel. I don’t, I promise you. But, does it mean more when a psychologist is just as lost as everyone else? To me, I know I am only human, I get that, but I worry about what this looks like anyway. I know I put too much pressure on myself and care too much about what other people think. I am fully aware, but it is still hard not to do this to myself.

Ultimately, I love my work, I promise you I really do. It feels important and meaningful and is rewarding in countless ways. But, I would be lying if I did not sometimes dream of desk job some place where I could just hide myself away in my cubicle on the hard IF days……….

I think I pulled yesterday off ok. My patient made a weird comment about me smiling a lot in session and then told me about some dream she had a few weeks ago in which I told her that I was pregnant (interesting projection). I doubt she knew what was going on in my head, which is perfect. She deserves a safe place to go with all those feelings that are floating around her head and I will give that to her. But, my goodness, this is so not easy….

FET Updates

2011-05-09T09:27:00.004-04:00

Just a quick update…. I am likely getting started with this FET in about 2-3 weeks, depending on when I ovulate this month. Turns out, in my case, un-medicated cycles are not really un-medicated. I will be taking lupron and estrogen patches to prep for the FET, mostly because my cycles have been unpredictable for the past 6 months (I think things have not had a chance to get back on track after my IVF cycle in Nov/Dec). Dr. S told me its really the stimming meds that they are avoiding and that potentially create these implantation issues they are trying to avoid- we shall see. The plan is to start Lupron and then transfer in June. There is a chance that my transfer gets pushed to July as the clinic is closing for a few weeks in late June to recalibrate all the equipment- they do this twice a year and somehow I seem to get catch up in it every time. Lucky me.

I am not so sure how I am feeling about this and maybe that is ok. I have committed to this cycle and maybe that is all I need to know.

Days like Mother’s Day (which was yesterday) seem to bother me less, but the entire process is bothering me more. I am annoyed that I am doing this again and feel irritated by treatments and medical appointments. It is a new kind of being over this, I think. Whatever, it is what it is. This is my life, this is my marriage, my family, my infertility- what choices do I really have.

Asking For Too Much

2011-05-01T08:58:00.003-04:00

I had dinner with my BFF and her boyfriend last night. The big countdown to her departure is definitely under way. She leaves in about week, will be gone for 2 weeks for training, comes back for another week, and then leaves for good officially at the end of the month. By June first she will be gone. The reality of her absence has not hit me yet.

I think I forgot to mention that she is leaving for a big job. Not big in the traditional way people mean that, this is big in a flashy, high profile kind of way. I will not reveal too much information because it is not mine to reveal but let’s just say that her new position will expose to her to people, places, and things that the rest of us probably cannot even imagine (and lets also say that I promise you all would know who her new boss is- No it is not Obama, although I do imagine that she will get to meet him at some point). Needless to say, everyone is very interested in this.

I am pretty used to that. My BFF has had high-ish profile jobs often, although never exactly of this magnitude. That garners a lot of attention and notoriety for her. Everyone is interested in hearing about your life and your work when you are in a position like that. Initially, that used to bother me. She has a bigger presence than I do and I have always somehow felt like I was in her shadow. But, over the past 6-8 years, I came to realize that this is actually ok with me- I don’t really want that kind of life.

I look at her in contrast to me and think “I just want something so simple”. I want an ordinary life. A boring life of two people and their baby, silently slipping under the radar, kind of looking just like everyone else. And here she is, my BFF, with these high dreams and expectations and then she gets it. Not like snap your fingers and she gets it, I know she has earned it, but still. It is just hard to fathom how I could want something so simple and basic and she could want something so huge and unimaginable- And yet she is off packing to start her new life, while I am busy ordering meds for my next cycle.

Watching this situation unfold and these opportunities present, it is hard for me not to wonder if I am really asking for too much for my own life. After all, I just want this little simple thing…..Clearly the world doesn’t really work like that, people don’t always get what they want even when what that want is simple- but still, it makes you wonder…..

IF Myth: IVF Always Works For Everyone

2011-04-25T16:17:00.003-04:00

I vividly remember the first trip E and I made to the RE office. It was December of ’07. I walked into the waiting room nervous and unsure of myself, not even knowing if my trouble TTC was significant enough to warrant a visit to the RE office. When we arrived, they handed me a giant packet of forms and information. Contained inside was a print out of the clinic’s stats and IVF success rates broken down into categories such as age, number of embryos transferred, and live birth rates. I remember looking at this sheet and realizing that for my age (at that time as I apparently have graduated to a new age bracket since then), the IVF success rate was about 60%. “What happens to the other 40?” I thought. I remember showing this to E and asking about that other 40%, he quickly told me that I was way ahead of myself and, at that time, I was. Now, I am less sure of that. And so is E, finally.

Through this 4 plus year journey, countless well meaning people have told me glamorized stories of somebody they knew who was successful with IVF. Of course they did, given the prevalence of IF and IF treatments, everyone knows somebody who had trouble conceiving and went on to birth a happy and healthy baby or two with the help of IVF.

But, what I think most people fail to realize is this 60/40 split thing. If 40% of IVF procedures are not successful, that is a lot of failure and a lot of people who will never go on to become parents via IVF. Now, I realize that this statistic is somewhat skewed and that some of those IVF failures do go on to become pregnant in subsequent cycles, but not all of them. Sometimes science and ART fail and IVF is not always the answer.

I am living breathing proof of an IVF un-success story. I have attempted 6 IVF cycles all resulting in negative results. I think this would shock people. Isn’t IVF the answer, the panacea? Don’t all women who attempt an IVF cycle end up mothers at point?

Well no, they don’t. IVF is a wonderful, amazing, complicated medical procedure. It has made countless men and women parents who otherwise could not have been. That is nothing short of miraculous. But, it has limitations. It is not the answer for everyone.

Sometimes I worry that the promotion of this over inflated belief in the success rates of IVF makes it harder for us to stop treatments and move on to other options. Being at the point where I am pondering this end for myself, I worry that stopping treatments will somehow be perceived as a failure, as if I did not try hard enough or long enough because, of course, the all mighty IVF works for everyone eventually, right?? Well, no it doesn’t and hearing that from other people all the time does not really help. In addition, this fallacy makes it easier for others to dismiss the experience of IF. Why is she complaining so much when it will all work out, eventually? Be patient, you’ll get there is the message I often receive. It’s enough to make you want to scream.

So here is the truth that I want to promote during NIAW; IVF does not always work. There are countless women, including myself, who can attest to this fact. So just because your neighbor's friend's cousin had twins via IVF 3 years ago, does NOT mean the same outcome is awaiting me.

I am one of the countless women on the wrong side of the IVF stats. I am sure I am in good company. 60% is wonderful, but is a far cry from 100%.

For more information on infertility and NIAW (National Infertility Awareness Week), please check out these links from Resolve
http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/takecharge

Updates (or lack there of)

2011-04-20T09:31:00.006-04:00

I am still here. I am still cranky and tired (although this time I think the tired is more from traveling not from insomnia so that is a good thing). This wallowing or whatever it is needs to stop. I am starting to even annoy myself and am vowing to pull myself out of it. I am not sure what that means or how to do this, but I am finding a way (somehow).

We spent the last 4 days in FL with E’s family. It was fine. My MIL said less insensitive things than expected. Luckily for me she floats between Pollyanna- too hopeful and Polyanna who pretends like bad things just aren't happening. This time we were in denial land so mostly this crap did not get discussed. She seems convinced though that meds (my fertility meds and E’s antidepressants) are perhaps to blame for Baby H’s anatomy defects. I am not sure what I am supposed to do that. Even though my MIL was on better behavior, mostly, I was still a bit of a bitch. I am not proud of that but I know it is true. I think that I am feeling so angry these days that I am looking for a target. Now before you get all huffy with me (not that you would do this), I wasn’t really that bitchy. I am not even sure if she would notice, but I noticed. I knew I was just not as nice as I usually am. I am going to try to make up for this with extra calls and messages to her (she loves that stuff). I hate when I act in ways that I am proud of- understandable but still not really ok.

Last night we were at my parent’s house for Passover. Seeing preggo SIL was not as bad as I expected- big sweater helped to hide the belly so she looked just a little preggo, I was expecting to see it fully on display so this was better. However, hearing my brother telling the funny story of her due date/ birthday coincidence was as bad as expected (I made myself very, very busy doing dishes at that point). Luckily, I got into a huge fight with my dad when he picked me up from the train that day which served as a major distracter (great, right?). We usually get along really well, but every now and then these things are expected. He basically ignored me the rest of the day and then refused to take me back to the train when dinner was over (mature?) so my uncle had to go out of his way instead. At least this gave me something else to focus on. Maybe I should pick a fight with another family member when I need to see my SIL? Kidding, kind of.

I realize this post makes me sound like I am battling my entire family, but I swear I am not. I am more sensitive right now (as my dad pointed out), but seriously, who wouldn’t be. I actually think that is ok and that others should make some allowances for that right now. Aren’t we all entitled to that sometimes? When did more sensitive become such a crime? So what if I want others to think of my feelings before they do or say things that might upset me?

Anyway, the countdown to BFF leaving is starting and she is moving very soon (she leaves in early may for 2 weeks comes back for a bit and then leaves officially by beginning of June).

I am going to find a way to get through all of this (by this I guess I just mean my life in general right now), all suggestions are welcome. In the meantime, I am surrounding myself by trashy books and knitting projects. Hey, it’s a start right.

P.S. No real progress on my cycle, I am avoiding my RE’s office like the plague. I assume FET will start in about a month.
P.S.S. I am busy trying to catch up on your blogs!!! I am really behind!!

Sleepy and Hollow

2011-04-12T22:39:00.004-04:00

Well, somehow I am surviving. Life, as usual, is just kind of moving along. I am doing ok and in some ways better than I expected. It’s been a long, exhausting kind of few weeks. I have been doing the bare minimum. I get up, I work out, I eat, I go to work, but I kind of feel like a zombie doing all of it. I am giving myself an “A” just for showing up at this point. My sleeping kind of sucks. Even with Ambien, I am finding that I am waking up several times per night and early morning. By the time last weekend rolled around, I felt so tired that I was practically dizzy. I told E all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and sleep late, yet somehow saw 7AM on the clock both Saturday and Sunday mornings. Oh well.

I told my therapist this week that I feel vacant and that is the best way to describe what I am feeling. It is just empty, vapid, hollow. I guess this ok, it feels better than the hysterical over whelmed version of me that showed up last week. It is what it is at this point. I am going with it and hoping that my real laugh and smile comes back soon, it seems to have gone MIA. We are going to see E’s parents this weekend in FL, I am hoping to have figured out how to fake a smile by that point, somehow pouting through the visit doesn’t really seem feasible (especially with my Pollyanna MIL).

I have elected to take a month off before starting the FET. I just could not imagine starting in another week, there was no way my vacant self could stomach that. I hate to say that knowing that FET’s are typically less taxing than fresh cycles and with age 36 looming out in the near future. But, I have about 100 details to get in order before I can start the cycle and have done nothing- so apparently my lack of behavior is my decision. A month off it is. Again, it is what it is. Somehow I need to get myself to care more about this.

My therapy practice has been super busy. I thought about turning away referrals, thinking maybe that I needed to take it easy. But, my practical side got the better of me and I know we need the money. It has gotten me thinking. Maybe I should just throw my whole self into work and be this amazing career woman or something. Could that be enough for me? My impulse is to say no, but, the truth is that my career is something I know how to do. It is not always easy, but if I work hard enough I usually can get results. The same is clearly not true of IF and babies. What would life be like if I just decided to get off this ride???? Is it crazy that I am even thinking this? I always repelled the thought of even considering a child free option. Is it time to reconsider??? Maybe this is what happens when you are half delirious from lack of sleep and too much stress…. I may eat these words at a later date…..

Losing the battle

2011-04-08T18:19:00.005-04:00

I am, as always, over whelmed by the love and support I get from this blog. Sometimes E wonders what the hell I am doing with all this and then on Wednesday I let him read the comments that poured in- “oh” was all he said. There is something so comforting about being able to speak about your lost baby without having to worry that people are thinking that you’re crazy. It is so sad, but we just don’t talk about this stuff in real life.

The past 10 days have been extremely action packed and not in a good way. I feel myself slipping- like I am losing my grasp on things. What feels hard is that when you are holding on by a thin thread it does not take much to have you unravel. In the span of a week, we had a negative pregnancy test, found out about my SIL’s pregnancy and unfortunate due date, marked Baby H’S sad anniversary, and just recently I found out that my very best friend is leaving NYC for an amazing job opportunity. Needless to say, I am feeling very disoriented and am having a hard time wrapping my head around things.

It is so odd to watch other people’s lives move along while you stand in the same place. How have I accomplished so little in 4 years while others have achieved so much? Where did the time go? I just don’t know anymore.

I am feeling very nervous about my friend moving away. She has been my best friend since college. I feel like she is more like a sister than a friend. She is part of me. She is safe and she moving across the country. I hope I can hide my heartbreak from her and show her the excitement that she deserves to see.

A perfect storm has erupted in my social life. I work in a private practice, which means I have no colleagues at work. In the past four years most of my friends have had children and a lot of them have consequently moved out of NYC for cheaper pastures with more space. This happened at about the same time when IF started to take over my life and made me not want to be so social. Like I said, perfect storm, which means that when A leaves, I have virtually no friends left in NYC, aside from a few amazing women I have recently met from the IF community and a few of E’s friends wives (all which have children and no jobs). I have recently been saying that I find myself on my own island- married with no children- and this statement could not be more true right now. I wish I could tell you I had the energy to make new friends, but not only do I not even know how to begin to do this, I have no inclination to even try. I think this makes E very nervous (who could blame him, I would not want to be his only friend on the island of Manhattan either). While I do have other friends, none of them live here and even they are either married with children or single. Where do I fit in anymore?

I have a ton of crap to take care of to get ready for the FET and I cannot get any of it done. I have a boat load of paper work and work related details to take care of- yet I accomplish very little and seem to find new ways to waste time. I feel overwhelmed by all of it. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I cried on the subway 3 times this week (thankfully I will never see those people again). I do not know what to do next-

What I do know is this, there is a reason that people stop before they get to 6 ivf cycles. It is because this is just too much for any one person to take. There have been many times in this process that I have felt like an infertile warrior, that my inner strength and fortitude was so present that it was palpable. This is not one of those times. I feel like I am losing this battle and do not even care to fight back. I just want to crawl back in my bed and take a long nap……..

Remembering Baby H

2011-04-06T07:00:00.001-04:00

Loving you always.......

A date is just a date......

2011-04-05T00:18:00.003-04:00

So it’s midnight and I am writing this now because I feel like I just need to get this out. I warn you, I feel slightly incoherent. It is late, I am tired, and I took an Ativan to calm myself down about an hour ago. I should be sleeping, instead I am telling this news to perhaps the only people who will understand me.

My brother called me tonight. I knew I shouldn’t pick up the phone. We hardly ever talk, but assumed he was calling because (a) I owe him money for my mother’s birthday present and (b) he was calling to find out how my “procedures” went (apparently this is what you call it when you are clueless about IVF and it all makes you slightly uncomfortable). Have you guessed yet why he was really calling? Yep, that’s right, my SIL is pregnant. Well fantastic, but here is the best the part………

Her due date is Oct. 1, 2011. Does that ring a bell? Baby H’s EDD was Oct 1, 2010. Are you kidding me? I am so angry. That date, not that date. It already happens to be my SIL’s birthday so in some ways that date will always belong to her, but still. I feel like she stole it from me, it was mine. It belonged to me and E and Baby H. I lose everything and now this too. I realize that most babies are not even born on the EDD so why does this bother me so much?

I knew this was going to be hard a week. My D&E was last year, April 6. E says that really it’s the most of the month of March that was hard. And in a way he is right. The end was just the end, it was those 3-4 weeks before that were the real hell (kind of).

I am writing this now because this week does not belong to her or my brother or their new baby. That has not so much to do with me anyway. I will love and accept that new baby, just as I have with my niece M, but really they are so separate from me, we are not that close. This new baby has nothing really to do with me. It has nothing to do with my future baby (or lack thereof). I do kind of wish they told me next week though. A girl kind of needs a chance to catch her breath or something.

This is not what this week is about. This week is my lost baby’s, the one that nobody, but you all really remembers anyway. This is his week and they cannot have that. I will not let them…..

The Angel of Darkness

2011-04-01T09:14:00.005-04:00

I am overwhelmed by the amount of support that has come to me on this blog. It is an interesting contrast because IRL, I can count on one hand the number of people who knew when my beta day was. By design, I flew under the radar screen and Beta day was just a Wednesday- except in my tiny corner of the blog universe, so thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I am doing ok, all things considered. I shed very few tears this time around, which either means I really am fine or I am in some major denial right now. A little bit of both perhaps??? I keep saying that it is sad but not unexpected.

I have been thinking a lot about hope and expectations. I would be lying if I told you I was not hopeful this cycle. There were some big changes made: No gluten, the addition of Lovenox and aspirin, more stimm meds, a long stimm cycle, more mature eggs, better fertilization rates. Reasons to be hopeful, for sure. If I look at my history and extract IVF cycle 1 and 5 (both non transfer, disaster cycles), my IVF cycles are kind of mediocre, not great but also not terrible, all ending in BFN. This cycle felt different. Having had good news delivered to me rather infrequently during this process as a whole, I think I was confused or something. Upon hearing the news about my fertilization and my embryos on day 3, I responded overwhelmingly excited. I felt giddy, hyper, happy. “Whoa C, back up, this is good news for sure, but don’t act like someone told you that you were pregnant.” It’s hard not to jump the gun a bit at the sound of good news (I did jump this time and took a lot of you with me).

While my good mood did last me a bunch of days, as Beta loomed that warm, fuzzy feeling was long gone so my BFN was not surprising. We have been here before, more times than I actually care to admit.

I had a text conversation with my MIL yesterday (yes I know better than to do this crap over text but I am a big fat chicken who didn’t really want to actually talk to her). She basically tried to shove a whole lot of hope down my throat. Not surprising (E says that on her planet people just float around and there is a guy in the corner playing a harp). I have always hated when hope is forced upon me. It’s like a seesaw, if you are super hopeful then I, almost by default, will feel forced to be super negative. In the case of my MIL, she must think that I am the angel of death and darkness by now and, in contrast to her, I probably am. But, in reality, I am just not so sure. Where do you draw the line between realism and pessimism? When is it ok to not believe that it will happen? Isn’t that kind of what I need, at least in part, to move on? Maybe there are women who never give up, until they hit menopause or their uterus just goes on strike from all the meds and poking and prodding (I am pretty sure that mine is working on getting that strike together presently)- but, I can’t imagine that being ok for me. This is not the never ending story, my story has to have an end. AND IF IT DOESN’T, I AM GOING TO WRITE ONE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, don’t get me wrong, I have embryos on ice waiting for me (more to come on how I feel about having day 3 frozen embryos- it is like the special Olympics of FET’s). I am doing this FET. I will go through all the right motions and do all the right things. I will be there in body, just don’t expect my head to be along for the ride this time- It is planning a fabulous beach vacation which includes many, many, many tropical drinks and naps taken on lounge chairs. Just please, don’t tell my MIL. Apparently, giving up IS the worst thing I can do…….

Its officially a BFN

2011-03-30T14:21:00.000-04:00

The call came in around 1:00 (on the early side). Confirmation in the “testing in morning” method, as this was 30 min before my first session of the day, not enough time to process this information and then sit in front of a patient. I, unfortunately, was on the street when the call came and could barely hear what my RE was saying. I did hear the BFN part though. I am supposed to call my IVF nurse next week to coordinate the FET, turns out it is not completely un-medicated. I guess it is the stimms that they are counting toward the un-medicated uterus, not Lupron. Whatever.

Thank you for your support. Will write more soon…..

The Early Report (Don't get too excited, no good news here)

2011-03-30T09:53:00.004-04:00

I woke up this morning to so many lovely well wishes that it seemed only fair to give you the early report. The news is not great my sweet friends. While I hate testing (as you know), I elected to test this morning as I have patients scheduled from 1:30-7:30 with only a short break in between. I could have let the Beta call go to voice mail and check it after work, but I did not think I could sit there all day without jumping out of my skin and did not want to cancel patients (these patients were canceled day of my retrieval and 2 sessions canceled out of 3 is not a great thing for them).

I assume that a HPT day of beta is pretty accurate, I will put it at like 95% (no science behind that, I pulled this out of my ass). So barring some kind of miracle, I would say this cycle is over and it is off to the frozen part of this cycle we go. I need to decide if I do that in 2 week or take a break and wait 6. I first said I need a break (given that would make me in cycle in one way or another for 8 out of a 10 week period, ugh), but now I am not so sure. But, this is a story for another day (I got lots to say, as usual).

I will send an update post later today with confirmation.

P.S. I am seriously considering becoming a drug addict because apparently women who abuse street drugs (and sometimes prescription drugs too) seem to have no problem getting pregnant- But, healthy, organic eating, gluten free, physically fit women not so much…. Really, universe??? WTF?????

This Time Last Year

2011-03-27T08:37:00.004-04:00

My Beta is Wednesday. It is 4 days away. I am getting to the nail biting portion of this event. All things considered, I am actually doing better than expected. But no matter how busy you keep yourself or how many times you tell yourself if will be ok, the 2ww is still hard- now way around that.

There is one thought that keeps creeping into my head all the time (so much so that I actually said it out loud a few times). No matter what happens on Wednesday, I know one thing for sure, it can’t be worse that this time last year.

This time last year, I did not know if Baby Hurricane was going to live or die. One day we had hope, the next a death sentence. One day, I prayed and begged to not have a miscarriage, the next I almost wished for it so as to take that choice away from me.

I sometimes wonder how I survived last year. How does one go through that and still live? I thought for sure that would have essentially been the end of me, whatever that means. I think in my head it just felt like it was too much, I could not imagine how one goes through that, I still can’t. When I think about it, I am not sure what I did. I think I kind of just woke up one day and realized I did it, I am ok (sort of). Maybe that is what surviving means?

What’s weird now is that there is something kind of settling of having survived your worst nightmare. There is security in the notion that maybe this time, for real, things can’t really get worse. I used to worry when I said that, as if somehow that statement alone could actually will the worse thing to happen. But, not so much anymore. I feel pretty confident in that statement, Wednesday cannot be worse than this time last year, it just can’t.

This post sounds some how sadder than I meant it to. I actually feel some kind of odd security, I can't really explain it, but it feels solid and grounding and is something for me to lean on....I will be ok....

I Cearly Like to Complain

2011-03-22T18:30:00.003-04:00

So remember when I told you I was totally disconnected during this IVF cycle? Yeah, well not so much anymore. I am trying to tell myself that it doesn’t really matter, that this is a bonus cycle, that my expectations are still low, but it is not helping. And it is driving me crazy!!!!!!!

Before I continue, I need to say that I feel like an ungrateful bitch. I complain when things go poorly and then (as you are about to find out) I complain when they go smoothly. I cannot decide if there is no winning with IVF or if there is just no winning with me. (I am just going to go ahead and blame the IVF because I really don’t think I am usually this grumble-y and complain-y).

I have not been here in a while. It has been well over a year (December 2009) since my last IVF 2ww. If I am being honest, it has been a while since I held any faith at all in IVF in general. I have this vivid memory of my first IVF cycle (July 2008), my RE at that time (not Dr S my current RE) was so optimistic, telling me that she thought I had over a 60% chance of success. When that cycle ended in disaster, no embryos making it to transfer, I was a mess. Hopeless. Heartsick. Bitter. I was mad at myself for feeling so good about things and going into it so optimistic. This is what scares me now. Hope- oh how I love and hate you all at the same time.

I am trying hard to keep thinking of this cycle as a bonus and be less attached to the outcome. I would like to say that I am happy either way for better results because it is nice to know that I am capable of better eggs and fertilization results. But, none of this feels true (see me grumble and complain). I am at the end of the game here, this is the “hail Mary” pass, there is no time left on the clock. Better results without a BFP are no consolation at this point. In fact, I am so worried that E will use this as reasons to keep going and do additional cycles at some point in the future. I almost fear that more than a BFN. I am done, please let this be it, either way.

Thank you again for all of your support. I am doing well physically at this point, emotionally is another story. 1 week to go in this 2ww…. Is time standing still????

Cycle update and news about my transfer!!!

2011-03-19T16:20:00.007-04:00

I am beginning to wonder whose eggs we used for this cycle (just kidding, kind of). I am sitting on the couch on this marvelously sunny day in NYC, having just returned from my embryo transfer. Yes, that’s right, we did a transfer today

As it turns out, my RE left the country last night (he called me as he was leaving the office yesterday), but assured me that he informed the RE who would be there thoroughly of our plans and my history. At 9:00 this morning, I got the call. All 9 embryos were growing and 7 look reasonable. Whoa. Nuts. After a little back and forth between me and the RE (and a bit of freaking out internally), we decided to transfer 2 embryos (the best one and the third to best one) leaving me with decent stuff for the frozen cycle, which in this case is the most important part of the cycle. I expected to transfer 1-8 cell and 1-7 cell embryo, but my little guy was hard at work from 9:00 to the time of the transfer both were 8- cells. We are freezing 5 other embryos today (on day 3), all are between 8-6 cells, except for one that it is only 4 cells. She gave me the break down, but frankly I cannot really remember and it probably is not important at this point anyway. I was told that all embryos were given grade 2, which has always been the case for me (anyone know the difference between grade 1 and 2 -day 3 embryos, my RE says there is not much of difference but still wondering).

I was also told that my 3 frozen guys from last time are not stellar, as expected. One is 6 cells and the other 2 are only 4. To be expected given such crappy fertilization that go around. I am hoping that between the 2 frozen batches we get 2-3 embryos to transfer next go around (or by some stroke of luck that these frozen guys can be an option when we are ready for baby number 2-FYI, baby number 2 is something I never think about having convinced myself that after all of this, one feels like enough- clearly I am jumping way ahead of myself).

I kind of feel like I am living in a parallel universe right now where things start to go right, as opposed to my usual state of IF disaster. I feel hyper and overwhelmed and very lucky. Beta is March 30- I plan on keeping myself as busy as humanly possible until then, except for the next two days during which I will be parked in my living room.

I want to thank each and every one of you for holding my hand through this process and for being the cheerleaders in my corner. I am so honored to have you with me in both the good times and the bad. I am not sure what I have done to be lucky enough to have “met” you. Sending love to you all, where ever you are…….

P.S. I forgot to mention that the symptoms of ohss are nearly gone and I some how lost 3lbs since retrival day (can you say water rentention). If I had significant ohss the scale would be going up not down so I am sure I am in good shape. Tonight is my first lovenox injection, thanks for all the tips!!!

So this is what good news feels like!!!!!

2011-03-17T15:03:00.004-04:00

I am disbelief. Yesterday, we retrieved 12 eggs, a number I was pleased with. But, the best news came today with the fertilization report.
12 eggs
11 mature!!
9 fertilized!!!! (9 embryos!!! OMG)

Wow, this is by far, our best results to date. I was also told that they did not even have to do ICSI- this has never happened before- the eggs just fertilized on their own, no assistance. My RE is so pleased that we are considering a transfer on Saturday possibly depending on how things look. Basically, the frozen part is most important, but if we have a bunch that are looking good on Saturday we will be able to do a fresh transfer and freeze. I am leaving this decision entirely in Dr. S’s hands, where it belongs, and will get information about this on Saturday around 12:00 for a potential transfer around 2:00.

I am largely unprepared for this, given that I was expecting half time not a transfer. I have not been taking the steroids and anti-biotics, both started today. I also had a mad dash to reach the hematologist about lovenox. Her office called it in for me today. Apparently, I am already supposed to be on baby aspirin (who knew that) and will start that now. Lovenox will be started day of transfer. (Any suggestions/advice from those who have been on this is welcome) I thought I had an entire month to plan for all this, but perhaps not.

The only slightly bad thing is that because my estrogen levels were very high this cycle (they pushed me longer to get more mature eggs which clearly worked), I am starting to feel mild OHSS (this is the down side of pushing longer). Crap. My IVF nurse says it is ok as long as I can breath and am not getting sharp pains. So far these things are not happening but it does hurt when I walk, my trip to the subway this morning was less than fun. I am feeling very full and bloated, but I am forcing myself to eat and have stocked up on vitamin water and gatoraide. This shit is no joke and rather uncomfortable. Of course, my relief and happiness is lessening that pain, but still. (open to all suggestions from those who have experienced this).

I will keep you posted as this unfolds. But, I do have to say, what a different cycle from December (10 eggs, 5 mature, 1 fertilized normally, 2 fertilized late and were likely not normal)!! Wow!!! I am overwhelmed and ecstatic!

Odds and Ends and a Cycle Update

2011-03-15T13:35:00.004-04:00

Thank you so much for your support and for giving me the extra attention I was craving. E stepped up the attention a little (I stress little) which is nice. The party was fine. My shapeless but cute dressed did the trick and I actually was able to get a pair of spanx tights on my body (thankfully). My mother was happy and I do not think anyone really knew there was something off about me. Yay, for acting jobs, do I see a new career in my future?? Interestingly enough, my aunt mentioned to me that my cousin, her daughter, is talking about starting to try to get pregnant. Of course she is, the timing is perfect for that. I just kind of wish that everyone else could sort of stop doing that for a while until I can find a way to catch up- more on that later I think, as that kind of feels like its own post.

Tomorrow is my retrieval. Based on my scan this morning, we expect over 10 eggs, which is good since you may remember how badly things played out last cycle with 10 eggs retrieved. We did push out the stimms a bit which meant that Sunday night I took only lupron, no Gonal-F. I am a bit worried that we left them in there too long and that we will have an “over cooked” situation, but I am trying to leave things in Dr. S’s trust worthy hands. Frankly, last time we were “under cooked” with many immature eggs so I think there is just no winning here. E will be with me tomorrow and he has been warned that there is to be no phone calls while I am waiting for the OR. His job is to be with me (not out in the hallway on a call, as he was last time- seriously I had to go hunt him down, dressed in myhospital garb and booties, just to let him know that I was being taken back. There is nothing like going to surgery angry!!).

I am looking forward to my break, which I am referring to fondly as half time. Perhaps there is something to this. With about 4 weeks on meds already (if we are counting from the start of lupron) there is something kind of refreshing about getting a month med-free. Of course, this could change when I start feeling the anxiety of my frozen babies just being out there some place, as I said before no winning with IVF.

I will keep you posted on numbers and fertilization report. I am hoping for either a terrible cycle during which we know that it is just time to move on or a wonderful cycle ending in a BFP. Both work. What doesn’t work is a fine enough cycle that moves along ok but does not end in pregnancy, we have had enough of that already…..

Guess What Happens When You Are Breezy

2011-03-11T19:52:00.003-05:00

So guess what happens when you are breezy about a cycle???….. You get ignored. I had been trudging along pretty well with this cycle, but with today being stimm day 9 and retrieval still days away (I expect it to be some place between Wednesday – Friday of next week) the crankiness finally got to me. It was bound to happen. As I was walking to the subway after my morning monitoring today, I realized that nobody was calling to check up on me at all. In fact, it is possible that the only people to have asked me how I was feeling this week (aside from you fine people) were my RE and acupuncturist and they are getting paid for doing that (ok, I guess my RE is actually not being paid this go around, but believe me, he has cashed in many, many times on me).
Hmmm, not sure how I am feeling about this. Usually my parents call to check in for updates. Not so much this time. My best friend A typically texts and emails often, she did finally email me today, if we are being honest, but she is not being her usual attentive self. Even E, being so wrapped up in his new job and the remnants of the flu that he is fighting off from last weekend, has been sort of acting like things are business as usual. Hey, what the hell is going on here???

Last cycle, E came with me to all my appointments, granted he was not working at the time, but my goodness what a difference did that make. Not only did I feel this gave him a better appreciation for what an IVF cycle really entails, but it also served to make sure I was not alone so much. I got to tell you, all those appointments are a lot less anxiety provoking when you have company and are therefore not so much in your head.

So lesson learned my friends, while breezy is kind of nice, apparently there may be too much of a good thing because being ignored is less than ideal. I knew there was a good reason I have been a drama queen my entire life, no ignoring me then.

Seriously, I am ok- just tired and cranky. I do have a ways to go which is fine but does kind of suck. My RE said that things are looking good and he is expecting more eggs than we had last time (thankfully as clearly that did not go so well). I am VERY puffy which means only leggings are touching my body. The scale says 1 lb up, but you would think it was 10 from looking at me. Not pretty. The spanx tomorrow may prove interesting. Do you think I can wear leggings to my mother’s birthday party? I might have to. I am worried about the party and hope I can plaster on a convincing fake smile and that nobody gets the wrong idea from the lack of drinking and puffy appearance. Note to self, women on high amounts of hormone injections should not agree to make a speech in front of other people!! Off to practice so I do not make a fool of myself.

(I think that is enough complaining for one night).

Cycle update, IVF #6: the breezy cycle

2011-03-08T09:53:00.005-05:00

This weekend went really well, despite my all day long headache on Saturday and the odd pains that followed my massage (perhaps asking for lots of time on focused on my lower back did not do the swollen ovaries good). But who’s complaining (insert guilty smile here)???? No, really it was good and I felt pretty good.

My Q&A time with the girls went well and they are a group of amazingly supportive women, I am so lucky. Unfortunately, with me it tends to go one of two ways, 1. You know nothing or 2. You know everything. So I guess I chose option number 2, leaving no stone left unturned. It is hard for me to know when to stop once I get started and the middle ground feels impossible for me to find. Oh well. It is what it is. I was smart enough not to give anyone time frames so to avoid those wrongly time questions. In reality, it felt kind of nice to really have people know. It’s kind of like taking a deep breath. This is not to say that I am going to be doing this all over the place or walk down Madison Avenue with a t-shirt that reads “I am infertile and mid IVF cycle” but still a good experience and nice to know that it is ok to start talking sometimes. I even let my friend watch me do my injections because she was fascinated and thought that this somehow made me a bad ass (not sure exactly if that is how I feel about it, but still it was kind of cute in her own quirky way).

I have only been in one time for monitoring so far (lab work only) and I have already completed 5 days of gonal-f injections. Apparently, even my RE is being breezy about this cycle. It’s kind of odd and refreshing and very weird all at the same time. I go in tomorrow and assume the pace will pick up from there, but who knows. As I said before, it is what it is and somehow I am kind of just along for the ride this time around.

In other news, my mother’s 60th birthday party is this coming weekend, which should be interesting. I on purpose bought a shapeless, yet surprisingly cute dress to wear for the event given that at day 10 of stimms my belly is not going into a tighter outfit. What are your feelings about spanx while stimming??? I would assume that would not be a smart idea, but really, really would love to throw on a pair. I am supposed to give a speech which I am kind of regretting but will do my best. My dad convinced my grandmother to come up for it, which is great and yet somehow she always gets me at my worst moments. I hope I can do a good job of faking it so that I don’t worry her. It is always good to see her (I have written about her several times in the past).

So we shall see how things go, but I am hoping this breezy attitude lasts!!! Oh, I did set that alarm on my black berry so no missed meds so far, but keep your fingers crossed as anything is apparently possible.
I am very behind in blog reading and commenting, so I promise to not do any work today and get myself caught up :) My patients should love that!!!

Weekend Plans

2011-03-04T08:01:00.003-05:00

Most of the people in my life kind of know about our infertility stuff. When I say kind of, I mean that they know we have been at this for a while, that we have pursued treatments, and that we lost a baby. That is certainly a good bit of information. But, they do not know what we are actually doing and when. Given that most non-infertile people tend to use words like IUI and IVF interchangeably, I doubt that most of these people really have a clue about what is actually going and that is just fine by me.

But, this weekend is interesting. I think I mentioned before that I have a large group of girlfriends from college. There are 10 of us in total all living some place between Boston and DC. We do about 3 “girls weekends” a year and this weekend is one of them. I thought about not going, but since the last one fell literally mid IVF cycle and I was unable to be there, I didn’t want that to happen two girl’s weekends in a row. This time, I am right at the beginning. I started stimms yesterday and my RE has given me a pass until Monday morning, since he is well aware of how my body responds to stimms. This means I can go for the whole weekend. I had always planned to go to at least part of it, but, when I was told I could be there for the entire thing, I would like to say that I was happy but really I thought “oh crap, now what to do I do?”.

Well, what I am doing is bringing my meds in the insulated bag that my lunch usually goes into for work. If this was just a pill, I could easily slip that by undetected, but with my meds in a hotel refrigerator, that will be hard to do. So I outed myself. I told them I was coming, meds in tow. I also told that them I could not drink and about new gluten free diet (for when they wonder why my snack choice happens to be rice cakes or something fun like that). It is a little weird to be so out there and I am hoping this does not create a situation where I am bombarded with questions. Not that I mind questions because I really want to be a resource for infertility information, but I do not want others so “involved” in my cycle where I can be subjected to questions like “how’s it going” as things progress and especially as Beta day looms.

I am feeling a little vulnerable, but given that this group of friends happens to be really sensitive, I am sure I will be able to balance this especially with them. At the same time, I am kind of empowered. Once upon a time, I would have never dreamed of doing this and would have locked myself away from the world as soon as a fertility med entered my body. It is nice to just live my life instead of letting it all just shut down.

The best news is that I am scheduled for a massage on Sunday with my friends and I have an acupuncture session today. I love when the weekend is sandwiched between two really relaxing things.

P.S. I was sure to warn my best friend A, my usual bed partner on these trips, of my recent development of night sweats thanks to Lupron. Lovely right?

P.S.S. Come check out my new blog on the fertility authority! First post up today :) And no, the picture is not me!!!!

The IVF Disconnect

2011-03-01T14:01:00.004-05:00

I am not sure what is wrong with me. Clearly there are about 100 ways to go after that kind of statement, but what I am referring to is my level of connection to this IVF cycle. I rate that level to be just above completely checked out, so much so that I have nearly forgotten to take my meds for the past 4 nights. What??? I have heard of these people who accidentally miss a dose of meds. In my head I have thought “really??? How is that even possible?” You see with the absurd level of attention that I usually pay to an IVF cycle, involving tracking, charting, and noting every symptom and twitch in my body, forgetting a dose of meds would be close to impossible. It made no sense to me how other people were capable of doing that, until now. Now, I get it. Frankly, if it wasn’t for another infertile friend mentioning a shot last night, I could have just gone to bed without my dose of lupron, so not ok.

In a way, I kind of like this disconnect. I feel not only less physically invested, but less emotionally invested too. The whole thing just kind of feels like I am saying “sure, why not, what’s another ivf cycle at this point.” Who knows what this is, IVF burn-out, the fact that this is not a cycle with a financial investment (thank you Dr. S, you are our favorite), or a combination of everything. I don’t even pretend to know anymore.

I do know this, while a little disconnection is fine by me, I better shake some of this off because forgetting a dose of meds is just not ok. I am hoping that once I start stimms the rhythm of nearly daily monitoring appointments will get me into the swing of things. I am spotting today so that means my CD 3 start should be around Thursday so stimms are coming soon. If that doesn’t work, I am taking volunteers who would like to call/text me every night at 10:00 PM to remind me to shoot up!!!! :)

two for one

2011-02-23T14:16:00.003-05:00

The silly things that IF makes you do.......
I often hear you guys talking often about stocking up on HPT, OPT, tampons, prenatal viatmins, etc. I don’t do any of this stuff. This weekend, I went into CVS to buy more prenatal vitamins. I have been using the store brand, knowing that I would switch to the fancy prescription ones when/if I was to become pregnant (I did this baby H, my RE is fine with it). I usually buy one bottle containing 100 pills at a time. There is always the larger, 500 pill bottle sitting on the shelf next to it. Every time I see the super sized bottle I pause. “Hmmmm, maybe I should buy that one”, I think to myself, remembering how many times I have been in this store to buy my 100 pill bottle in the past 4 years of TTC. It never fails, every time I pause and inevitably pass up the big one for my smaller bottle. This time, the smaller and larger bottles were on sale, two for one. I picked up two smaller bottles, but to be honest, I hesitated, thinking that maybe I would just leave the second bottle. But common sense got the better of me and I took two.

Why do I do this? Well, I have given this some thought. I like to convince myself that it is a matter of money. What if I buy that 500 pill bottle only to use 125 of them? What if I order 3 or 4 OPT kits on line (I buy the digital expensive kind because I hate the vague results on the other kind, just show me that smiley face dam it) and then only use one of them? I wouldn’t want to waste money on those at $38.00 a pop. But, when faced with a free bottle of pills, I was forced to confront the real reason of my hesitation. Turns out, that even though I am usually 10 steps ahead in this process, there apparently is some tiny place in my mind that is sickened by the thought of needing to take 500 more pills (that would last a year and half!!!). Frankly the thought of even the 200 pills, corresponding to 200 more days, kind of makes me sick too. This has to stop. I cannot need 200 more pills, 2 more OPT kits, or even additional HPT’s. I am not sure if this about the part of me that is still hopeful, thinking that maybe somehow I won’t need these anymore for the right reasons or about the part that is just sort of tapped out. My best guess is a little bit both.

Today, I saw both bottles of vitamins on the kitchen counter and I just felt kind of angry. Dam you prenatal vitamins two for one sales!!!

*******************************************************

In other news, I started Lupron on Monday and have my biopsy tomorrow. So far so good. I also decided to go gluten free just to see what happens. I do not have celiac but I do have endometriosis and figured this couldn’t hurt. So far, I have gotten some great tips on doing this, but welcome more anytime!!!

Also, I have been asked to blog for the fertility authority. I am excited about this and the details are still being worked out. I need some help coming up with a new blog name to use on their site. Here is what is in the running (brainstorms from both E and I):
Infertility: A Giant Pain In the Uterus
Un-Expectant-ly
Baby Wanted: Inquire Within
Un-Labor Pains

My hero

2011-02-18T08:42:00.008-05:00

A few weeks ago, a man pulled a woman to safety after she was pushed on to the subway tracks (see the story here). He bravely risked his own life and not only saved this woman, but he also fought off her assailant and called for the police. Since that time, he has appeared on numerous local media outlets and is even in talks with the MTA (the organization that runs that NYC buses and trains) about a new, better paying job. And, he also happens to be the janitor at E’s new office. This subway hero has certainly been the topic of conversation in our house recently. E even told me that he was just given a medal of honor by the NY Knick’s at a recent basketball game. He was very proud of his medal, rightfully so.

I have been thinking a lot about bravery and courage. I often hear those words applied me and my journey, here and in real life. While I am pretty convinced that this subway hero is a brave man, I am less sure about myself. I do appreciate hearing it and the support and encouragement that is behind those words, but it is not something I am really in touch with personally. I don’t see myself as brave, in fact, it actually feels more like doing what I have to do.

In real life, I often hear things like “I could never do what you did/you are doing”. Really? Frankly, I disagree. I think most of us could. I didn’t do anything brave or unique, but life presented me with unimaginable situations and I just stepped up. What other choice did I really have? You find a way to get through it. Now clearly not everyone would have made the same choices as I, but I do believe that most would figure out how to navigate it somehow. From pushing yourself through a 6th IVF cycle to donor egg/spem/embryos, to adoption, to living child free. You figure out a way. After all what are the alternatives? Run screaming in the opposite direction? Lie down and just give up? I guess for some, but I doubt that most of us would do that, our survival instincts are just too strong for that. You figure out a way, even when that seems close to impossible, you just do.

So maybe for me, this journey has been about finding my strength or my fortitude rather than tapping into courage. I have realized that I can handle more than I think I can. It doesn’t always look pretty or run smoothly, but I haven’t ran away or lied down yet- even when I kind of want to, I don’t. I think we all live with a good amount fear, “I can’t do this”, but maybe the answer is yes you can. I never thought I could give myself shots, I now find them easy. I realize that is kind of over simplified but you just don’t know what you can actually handle until you have to handle it. A friend was recently talking to me about her sister who is going through a divorce with 3 young children. She recently said to me that she doesn’t think she could do what her sister is doing. But, I disagree. I think it feels that way until you have no other choice and then you just somehow do it. That’s what I am doing, I am somehow just doing it. We are all capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit for. This is what I hope to take away from this experience, I can do it, I can get through it, I will figure out a way to handle it. Not in a “what does not kill you makes you stronger” kind of way, I hate that saying. More in in a, stop selling yourself short all the time kind of way. You are stronger than you think you are.

What I do think of as amazing, and dare I say even brave, is the part when we all share our stories. We put ourselves out there during our most vulnerable times and share. Amazing. Brave. Just like the man who works at E’s office, I think you all are so heroic.

IVF #6, the redo cycle

2011-02-17T08:39:00.002-05:00

So, it’s been a bit of a quiet week, I think it tends to feel like that when you are about to start an IVF cycle. It’s the feeling of standing on the high diving board, with your toes hanging off the edge, very much aware of that knot in your stomach of what it is going to feel like to leap off. Somehow the actual leap is never as bad as the anticipation of it. Ah, anticipation, it will get you every time.

So just to update you, for those I haven’t yet lost in all my ramblings. I am scheduled to start lupron (10 units) on Monday 2/20. I am due in to see my RE for a co-culture biopsy on Thursday 2/24. After that we wait for my lupron period. I will be on Follistim starting on CD3 and I am told to expect a long stimm to counter act the immature egg situation of last cycle. I would expect my ER to fall around 3/20 (which should allow me to make it to my mother’s 60th birthday party, swollen ovaries in tow of course). After that, we freeze all embryos on day 3 and wait for the following month to transfer. I have 3 embryos frozen from last cycle (we did not transfer anything that cycle). One of them fertilized correctly and the other two were late fertilizers and I am told not to really count on those. We have affectionately named them snowman, snowball, and snow cone. My mother is convinced that snow cone is her future grandchild, I feel less sure but I appreciate her optimism. My expectations are different and I would be happy if I could get another 3 to freeze so that we get to a decent transfer at some point, clearly fertilizing the more typical way is preferred—hey, I will take what I can get. IVF #6 is now affectionately known as the redo cycle, my do over from the terribleness that was IVF 5.

As I said before, the financial assistance goes a long, long way to ease one’s anxiety. It makes me wonder what this process would be like for us if this was no longer a part of the puzzle.

My last cycle, I seemed to do really well managing until the last 5-6 days leading up to retrieval. I am trying for a repeat performance of that. We shall see, every cycle always feels so different, like its own strange universe.

I have said before that I kind of can’t believe that this IVF #6. I imagine that some of you must think I am nuts or have already determined that they would never do this. I will admit that there is a good chance that this is my own projections of my opinions/criticisms of my choices. I understand how I got here and why I am choosing to move forward. I should change the title of this blog to “never say never” since that seems to be the catch phrase of the moment. IVF 6 here we go…..

Sharing my gratitude and a little bit of good news

2011-02-11T22:38:00.005-05:00

First things first, I need to find new words to express gratitude. I am so honored to have your love and support. What is most amazing is that in my real life, I rarely talk about Baby H anymore. He sometimes comes up, but mostly I keep my thoughts about him to myself. Here, clearly that is not the case. You help me make him real and important and therefore give his life value (I especially love when you refer to him by name as if Baby Hurricane is an actual name that one would give to their child). That is a gift I will never be able to repay. I know I talk about some heavy issues here and I appreciate you sticking by me (I promise that the real me is not this sad or this serious, at least not all of the time). For a girl who kind of laughed at people with blogs in the past, you have become my lifeline and my friends. I wish I could describe to others the kinds of relationships you develop here and the depth that they can really have, I think it is impossible to really do this justice. You are so very special to me and I am honored to “know” you. I would not want anyone else on this ride with me and I am so lucky to be just a small part of your journeys. I am so touched that so many of you chose to share your own stories in your comments, I think that by sharing with each other we all grow stronger. I draw so much of my strength from you.

So now for some good news…. I got word from my clinic today, after about 10 days worth of back and forth phone calls and a lot of avoiding of me done by my RE (strange since he has always been so responsive with me, I guess he deserves that get out of jail free card after treating me for 2.5 years). Turns out they will NOT have to put this next cycle through to our new fabulous insurance!!! WOWWOWOWOW. I am still in shock. What this means is that we will probably have to pay about $2,000 in hospital fees, but that everything else will be covered. Because this will not tap into our new insurance benefits, we will still have $30,000 of insurance benefits left over for whatever might come next (which I am refusing to think about right now but feel very grateful that not only do we now have a plan B, but we have ways of funding it). After 4 years and about $50,000 spent out of pocekt in treatments, I cannot believe this is actually happening.

I am set to start soon. Same protocol as last time, lupron and follistim, plus co-culture for embryo quality (see info on co-culture here), and a long stimm in hopes of avoiding so many immature eggs this go around. We will be fertilizing and freezing again so my transfer will not be until April in this marathon cycle. I should have ovulated by now as today is CD 16, but lab results taken this morning revealed that apparently I am nowhere near ready to ovulate. I guess I am headed for another 39 day cycle again. So who knows when stuff is really going to get started. I just hope that my ER does not fall on the weekend of mother’s 60th birthday party (not even letting my head go there at this point since it is totally out of my control and with my weird cycles now I have no ability even to project ahead).

So overall, I am feeling good about all of this. It is amazing how much changes when the financial burdens are eliminated. I feel really grateful for all of this and want to send a giant fruit basket to my RE office as a thank you or something. I may need to restrain myself from leaping on him and hugging him at our next appointment, I am sure he would just love that :) I think this opportunity is the best valentine’s day gift ever, ok I guess a take home baby would be the best, but this is a close second.

The Grey

2011-02-10T13:47:00.005-05:00

Thank you all for your comments to my last post. I am always afraid to post stuff like that. I can say that overwhelmingly, I feel so supported and it is so helpeful to hear things like “I would have made the same choice” or that “I chose a loving act in protecting my baby from a life of pain”. In my moments of self doubt and sometimes reproach, I can reread that and it soothes my tortured mind a bit.

Yesterday, for the first time on this blog, I was reminded by an anonymous commenter of the realities of my situation. In two separate comments, I was told that I killed a baby/human. I deleted the comments, not because I think the commenter meant to be hurtful (in later comments some clarification came through that leads me to believe that this was not his/her intent), but because I do not like to read words like that and I worry that I would be masochistic and reread those words over and over again. I think that and my father’s use of the A word to me today has prompted this post.

I don’t like to lump myself into those who have experienced the A word because that evokes images of teenagers in back alley clinics (clearly this is not really true) and I do not like to associate myself with that. I also associate those with healthy pregnancies that were ended, a far cry from what happened with me. I have always known that I am pro choice and feel strongly about the need to protect this choice for women. Clearly this is a controversial issue that can divide an entire nation practically and my goal is not get into the politics of all that. My reality was, that despite my pro choice views, I never in a million year thought I would ever do it myself. But, the world and life had a wrench that it was going to throw my way that I had no ability to prepare myself for.

My baby was diagnosed with something called body stalk anomaly. I am sure you have never heard of it, as there are no surviving people who live with this condition and it occurs in only one in 10,000 pregnancies (myself and my dear friend C from Iowa are lucky winners of this statistical crappy lottery). If you google this condition, I warn you of the images that you will see so be prepared and that is why I do not post links about this condition on this site. In a nutshell, it means that the body wall does not properly form and that all of the internal organs grow on the outside of the body. These babies are chromosomally normal. The treatment for this condition is listed as pregnancy termination. In my baby, we first noticed at the NT scan that his stomach and intestines were outside of his body. Later, high level scans a few weeks later revealed that everything from the chest down was outside (it was always unclear if this included the heart or not). His spine was pushed into an S shape by the force of all the organs being in the wrong place and his legs were kind of swimming behind him because of the spinal issues. His head and arms were not impacted (E says that he saw him waving his arms at our first OB appt, I missed this due to the angle of the u/s screen at the time, maybe he was trying to say hello to his daddy). There is a zero survival rate for this condition. Zero. I therefore, felt like I was a human life support machine. I was keeping him alive and without me, he would die. In a way, this made us uniquely connected and yet at the same time it meant that I had the power to save him from pain. My OB told me that at his gestational age the brain receptors that register pain had not formed yet, I have no idea if this is really true, but I like to believe that. This is how I saved him.

There were other reasons too, more related to me. My medical team had warned me of the risks of carrying this pregnancy and were clear that terminating would give the best chance of preserving my fertility. I also knew, that for me, living through that pregnancy would just about kill me. The three weeks I lived knowing Baby H was sick were torture. I was a mess. I could not imagine that lingering on. I think I would have just stopped existing or something like that, I have no idea how women do that (they are clearly stronger than I).

I am a woman who believes that we should be able to put down animals when they are in pain. I believe in a person’s right to a do not resuscitate order. I also believe in removing life support when there is no chance of a recovery or when the quality of life is so restricted. This to me is analogous to my choice. I was human life support.

I do not ask that you all agree with me, I understand that is not possible. We all are clearly entitled to our beliefs and values and I draw strength that we live in a world where we able to chose our choices. But, I do want you to understand my story and E’s story and especially the story of Baby Hurricane and what we did for him. I think about him all the time and wish there was another outcome. I do hope you can realize that there are about 100 sides to most stories and it is not always as simple as right or wrong, yes or no, black or white. Baby H and I “live” in a lot grey….

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart, especially for helping me through this past year and helping me keep Baby H’s legacy alive. Love to you, C

T is for......

2011-02-08T13:43:00.008-05:00

Termination. It’s a word that I hardly ever say. I use words like loss or procedure. But that’s not exactly right. Loss makes me think miscarriage and procedure sounds like I had surgery or something (which I guess I kind of did but still feels like it conveys the wrong meaning). For the purposes of this post, I will just call it the t word because the real word is hard for me to say.

I have talked before about making that choice and the right-ness/wrong-ness of doing so or how it feels to have knowingly signed a paper that said I agreed to end my baby’s life. I cannot say that I do not still struggle with that stuff, but I have come to a place where I recognize that it was my best/only choice. That is not what this post is about. I have many, many thoughts about the t word and its time I start “talking” about them. I worry that bottling them up so much is preventing me from moving on, whatever that even means after this kind of experience.

The experience of the t word is something that I simultaneously want people to know and that want to burry far, far away. Even on this blog, in my introductions and time lines, I talk about losing baby H, I say what his diagnosis was, I even put a link to the a website supporting those that have had to chose the t word, but don’t say "hey by the way, let me tell you how we actually lost Baby H". I sometimes wonder what it makes those newer followers think, I assume unless they are reading back posts, they have no idea what really happened. I wonder how they feel when the real story is revealed. I have thought about spelling it out more, sticking the t word some place with high visibility, but I don’t. I think I am afraid of judgment, what would somebody think of me, knowing very little about me or baby H, just kind of stumbling by, how would they process that information? But, yet what it would be like if I could own it a little more, would it help others going through the same experience? Would it teach others to be less judgmental about complicated stuff like this?

My therapist and I have talked a lot about my want for people to know and not know. We have wondered if I am looking for attention or sympathy or something like that. The truth is sometimes. Sometimes I want people to say things like “I cannot believe that happened to you” because it mirrors my own experience and I just need someone to join me in my disbelief of the entire situation. But, other times I want to run away from the label that is the t word. It is a club that most people want no part of. Even on the blog roll, there are surprisingly few blogs listed under medical t word. Even I cannot say the word termination on a post completely about the subject, very telling.

I am not so sure where I am going with all of this. But, sometimes it feels good to “out” yourself and be honest. I often feel like an imposter hiding behind words like baby loss. This is my story and the t word is part of it, even on the days when I want to pretend that is not really true. I am trying to be less afraid of it and to let it synthesize with the rest of my story. I can say I lost a baby, that I have 5 failed IVF cycles, that I carry fragile x and have endometriosis. So here goes…… And I terminated a much wanted pregnancy at 15 weeks because my baby would not survive outside of my body……

That sound you here is my heart racing, even just writing this makes me very nervous. Will I ever get used to that sentence???? probably not, but getting used to it just a tiny bit more might be helpful.

what are we fighting for

2011-02-04T08:58:00.002-05:00

In the whirlwind of a week that I am currently having and the about 100 mood swings that I have experienced, I realized something. I have no idea what the hell I am doing anymore. I treat IVF like a journey not a destination. I gear up, get tuff, suit up in my armor and go off into battle that ends at beta day, never once stopping to realize that in reality the battle should end 9 months later with the birth of a healthy baby. Hmmm interesting…. All of my effort goes into getting through it (meaning IVF), not getting my happy outcome.

I had two strange moments of clarity this week, both minor but that did make me pause and think. The first came during a ranting/crying/screaming conversation with my mother (which occurred on my cell as I walked down the street and I am sure that anyone around me must have crossed to the other side of the street so as to not have to walk near the crazy lady screaming into her cell phone). My very smart mother pointed out that I mentioned all these possible IVF cycles, all times saying when that is over or when that fails and quickly went on to what comes next. Stop C, you do not do IVF to get to the next cycle, that is not the goal. How did I forget that?

The next epiphany comes from an even more unlikely source, don’t laugh at me. When I get ready for work in the morning, I like to play reruns of Sex and City off of HBO on demand as nice background noise. Yesterday, I was half watching the episode in which Charlotte and her first husband were at odds about continuing with fertility treatment and she looks at him and says “I want a baby”….wow. Me too!!!!

So clearly, this is not rocket science, but it feels important to me to remember that I want a baby, I want a child. I don’t want to just survive IVF, I want to become a mother and have E become a father. I want that.

I think somewhere along the way, I lost sight of all this most likely because it was too painful and the goal of motherhood became further and further away. A failed cycle was always sad, but sometimes I wonder if I was mourning the experience of failure itself not a step further away from motherhood, it gets so muddled and murky.

So in my nuttiness of funding and insurance and figuring out which RE to see, I realize it’s not about how many cycles I can eek out or how they get funded, it is about being mother, raising a child…that’s what I am fighting for. Last year, I found out I was pregnant with baby H on the first Friday of February, I was becoming mother….I want that back… now, if only I had a clue of how to get myself there…..

****** I want to thank everyone for the award nominations this week, things have been so crazy that I did not get to respond to them. It is so appreciated and I am honored to have you all in my life and to be just a small part of your journies****

Even when good things happen, its never easy!! Advice needed

2011-02-02T15:25:00.003-05:00

So please excuse this post as (1) I feel kind of crazy and manic as I am writing this and have not really processed any of this information yet and (2) I realize that some of what I am about to complain about are champagne problems that many of you would kill for so I am sorry in advance if I seem ungratefully annoying. Thanks!!! Here goes….

As of February 1, we are covered under E’s new insurance. I never really got a straight answer from the idiot HR woman (who I harassed basically until the point where she stopped returning my calls and emails) so we assumed that we had infertility benefits but that IVF was not covered. Given this, we would go ahead with the cycle at my RE that he would be able to get covered by the clinic given the disaster that was our last cycle. You with me so far? Good. Today, I called my new insurance company to inquire about the specifics of our infertility benefits and amazingly IVF is now covered, up to $30,000 life time max. Wow, this is great, or is it?

You see, if we knew for sure that we had IVF benefits, we would have stayed on cobra done our clinic covered cycle and (assuming a BFN) then switched to the new plan and found a new RE with our new pool of benefits. In this way, I would have my clinic covered cycle and what else we could get out of the insurance company, I assumed 3 covered cycles all together (no idea if I even want to do 3 more cycle bringing the total to 8, but still). I would imagine that Dr. S (current RE) will want to put this cycle through to insurance now once he finds out that he can actually do that. That is fine, I get it, he wants to get paid if he can. But, now I am not sure what to do.

I am slated to start lupron in 3 weeks for IVF #6. Dr. S has already attempted 4 IVF cycles with us, only 3 made it to transfer, all BFN. My only pregnancy was natural (go figure). I like him, I am at Cornell so the reputation is great, and it is only a $5 cab ride from apartment (important during morning monitoring hours), but the wait time is very long and recently I have felt like I am annoying Dr S with all my questions and feel unsatisfied with his answers. He also did not catch a blood clotting disorder until just recently (I have been his patient for 2.5 years) and he wants to use the same meds with this next IVF cycle as last time (just lengthen my stimm time which makes me very nervous given the last outcome). And 4 cracks at it is a lot, so I have my doubts about him at this point. I keep thinking that maybe its time for fresh eyes to look at me. I am considering NYU (only will see Griffo since he is the head of the center) or CCRM (suggestions for RE’s there are welcome). Does it makes sense to just start new with my insurance benefit? Oh, to add to the complications, Cornell is holding 3 frozen embryos from the last IVF cycle, all of unknown quality and probably long shots given the way that cycle went, but still those frozen guys are there. Help!!!! If you have been to NYU or CCRM for IVF, I especially want your feedback!!!

E is going to ask Dr S how this cycle will be billed since I have a really hard time talking about money so we will know for sure how this will work.

One day, things will be less complicated, I just know it…..

This week last year

2011-01-31T16:43:00.005-05:00

This week last year, I found out I was pregnant with Baby H. It is odd how I know this, who remembers the week they found out they were pregnant, but I remember that I found right after my father’s birthday and about week after drinking my body weight in mojitos and margaritas at friend’s 35th birthday party (I wrote this post about being the only non-mother there). This weekend, we went out for dinner to celebrate our friend’s 36th birthday and my father’s birthday is on Wednesday. I sometimes wonder if E even remembers, but when I said something about this to him today, he just responded "yes, on Friday" (it was the first Friday of Feb 2010, the actual date I do not know). I need to give him more credit sometimes.

All at the same time, I cannot believe that it has been a year already and I feel like I have lived 20 lifetimes since last Feb. So much has happened and not happened simultaneously, weird right?

That feeling of “did that really happen to me” is now stronger than ever. I feel like I dreamed it, my pregnancy, my baby, losing him, all of it. It’s almost like it never happened at all or like it happened to someone else and I am retelling their story. Is that really me and my story? Intellectually, I know it is, but emotionally I am so detached from it, it just feels so alien and foreign.

My blog was very small and hardly used at that time. Most of you probably do not know that the pregnancy was such a surprise, so much so that I mistook implantation bleeding for my period and found out I was pregnant when I went in to my RE for a biopsy. I was alone, not thinking that any kind of news at all would appear at a routine biopsy appointment. So there I was, calling/texting both E and my best friend A, all the while freaking out. I should have known right then and there that something was wrong. Baby H was already measuring at least a week late (5.5 Weeks when I was really well into the 6th week). Sometimes, I wonder if it was all that alcohol I consumed at that party or the Sudafed I took for a cold I was fighting off, but I know that people do this stuff all the time before they know they are pregnant and go on to have healthy babies. I think we just look for explanations when we are told things like, “these things just happen”. It is hard toaccept that babies just get so sick that they cannot survive outside of the womb. In my head, there has to be a reason why.

I feel kind of sad today and off and worried about entering this time of year with all its “this time last year” markers. I think I will feel better after early April passes and I know that next year won’t have those same kind of markers, at least I hope not.

Sometimes I wonder if I am making too big of a deal about this. People lose babies all the time. But yet, in the same breath I hear other words…infertility, body stalk anomaly, nuchal translucency scan, termination. ……Who's to say what makes a big deal anyway.....

CD 39, Finally!!!!

2011-01-27T08:43:00.004-05:00

Yay, my period finally arrived this morning. I started spotting last night, so I had a good feeling about this morning. I think between the fact that I caved in and purchased tampons yesterday and that I was scheduled to go in for labs tomorrow if no period, my body finally got its act together and got in gear. CD 39, officially my longest cycle on record. Stupid ivf meds!!!!!

So, what’s next is that I have to get on the calendar with my RE for co-culture biopsy which should be in about 3 weeks. After that, I have no clue. I have not been in touch with my RE since December and have to talk to him about (1) my protocol as I have no idea what meds I am to be on, (2) how to get my blood clotting medications and when I need to start taking theses, and (3) how I go about making sure this cycle is funded. Should be an interesting conversation, my secret fear is that he has no recollection of telling us about the funding and we will get stuck with a big bill. Is it weird that I feel kind of guilty about this? I know we are not in the best financial shape (remember basically 2 years of us making it on my income alone), but it’s not like we need to take out loans against our apartment to pay for things, not to mention the fact that my parents actually paid for the last suck-y cycle. The reality is that we have probably paid about $50,000 in IF treatments so far, I guess we do deserve a break at this point. E actually thinks that maybe Dr. S or the clinic messed something up and maybe that’s why they are covering the cycle costs, clearly nobody has said anything like that to us, but anything is possible.

I have talked little about my last cycle. Most of the time, I try to think of it as a fluke, being that the results seem so different from prior cycles. But, the truth is that there was an entire year between IVF #4 and #5 and I wonder what shape my body and eggs are currently in. Maybe my eggs are to blame for those terrible fertilization results (the other theory is over/mis-medicated). I’m ok with the old egg thing, since DE is an appealing option to me, but I worry that things like blood clotting disorders and endometriosis and who knows what else might also be causing potential implantation issues. How can I even know if I am a good candidate for DE??? (I had a hard enough time getting E to come around to DE, there is nearly no way he will be open to adoption).

All I know for sure is this, I am exhausted. I have been through enough already. I am ready for this process to just be over, whatever that even means anymore…..

CD 36!

2011-01-24T17:08:00.003-05:00

Crap. This is now officially the longest cycle I can ever remember having. I realize there are now people with PCOS and long/irregular cycles rolling their eyes at me, but frankly, with so much already reproductively wrong with me, the last thing I need is something new to worry about.

I know for sure that this is not a miracle pregnancy. I took two HPT’s, one at CD 32 and the other on CD 35, both negative. I refuse to take another test, even though there is one left in the box. I called in to nursing at my RE’s office and through a series of voice mails, they indicated that I should wait a few more days and then come in for some labs to see what is going on. They did stress that since this is the first cycle after our last IVF attempt, my body may be experiencing some issues regulating and getting back to normal. Great theory, but in the 11 medicated cycles that I have previously done (counting both IUI and IVF) this has never happened before. Famous last words, never say never right?

Of course, my paranoid infertile head likes to go places in which I imagine my FSH sky rocketing and my quick entry into premature ovarian failure. I do realize this is unlikely and just need to give it time. I hate acting realistic sometimes and the “give it time” idea is just plain irritating at this point, but I will be a big girl and not let that paranoid part of me run away down that road.

In other equally suck-y news, close inspection of our new insurance documents (which I believe you need to have a law degree to actually be able to decipher) reveals that we do not have IVF benefits. We have the same level of benefits as before, which means that labs and meds are covered but that’s about it. While I am grateful to have even that level of coverage and realize that some of you would kill for that, I am still disappointed that this plan was not better. Especially because the insurance rep actually said yes when my husband asked bluntly, “is IVF covered?” . You would think that getting the answer yes would actually mean that we had those benefits, but, clever me, realized that most people (yourselves excluded) have no idea what IVF even is and do not realize that it is not a generic term that means fertility treatments, but in fact is the name of a certain procedure. And yes, in our case, that procedure was listed under the section that spoke of exclusions and limitations (right under cosmetic surgery, apparently IVF and nose jobs are put in the same category). Oh well. We are still able to get our next cycle covered at our clinic and I am beyond thrilled for that.

I promise to write a more upbeat post soon…..

Happy ICLW Week!!!!

2011-01-21T17:09:00.002-05:00

Yay! Welcome to the first ICLW week of 2011. You can learn more about my story here and see my TTC timeline here, but in a nutshell……

I am a 35 year old year woman who has been TTC since March of 2007. I am trying to hold things together as I prepare for our 6th IVF attempt, while managing my life and career as a clinical psychologist in NYC. My husband E, also 35, finally got some good news with the start of his new job earlier this week. We are still waiting to hear from the human resource department about our new insurance plan, but there is a chance that we finally get some reasonable benefits for fertility treatments!!!!

Our IF issues are largely unexplained, but I have been diagnosed with mild endometriosis and a blood clotting disorder (protein S deficiency). We are still trying to bounce back from our last IVF attempt in December. Only one egg fertilized so the results were less than ideal. With this next cycle we are hoping for better results and will aim to freeze all our embryos and transfer them in a subsequent cycle into the “un-medicated uterus”. Right now, I am on CD 33 no period in site on a natural cycle (ugh), HPT confirms I am not pregnant but this is kind of interesting for a woman with usually regular cycle.

Even though I never imagined myself as a blogger, this community has grown to mean more to me than I can even express. It is like my lifeline. I am looking forward to getting to know you all!!! Happy ICLW week!!!!!

Well, Of Course Not!!!

2011-01-20T12:05:00.007-05:00

I tested this morning at 5:00 AM, after what I think was a dream about HPT’s. Of course, it was negative (negative in real life, I think in my dream it was actually positive), this is not surprising. Today is actually CD 32 (turns out I mis-calculated somewhere along the way and became a day off) still no period. But, at least now I can just chalk it up to my screwed up body instead of something magical about the month of January.

I really didn’t want to test at all, but knew that I would need to get into see my RE before the weekend if things had gone another way. And, given this new blood clotting issue, I would need to go on lovenox and asprin ASAP, a good reason for testing in the future and not waiting so long next time given the potential miscarriage risks.

I am fine. This was the by far the most likely outcome. My chances of becoming pregnant with medical intervention are slim, which tells you a lot about my shot at it without intervention. This I know. I am a logical, rational person most of the time. It is time to just move on.

There is something odd that happened to me following a natural pregnancy after 3 full years of IF (and 4 failed IVF cycles). I spent most of the time prior to that not really “trying” between medicated cycled because it was annoying and felt like too much work and, honestly, what was the point (right?). I was convinced I was unable to become pregnant and things like a late period meant nothing more. My hopes were only up during medicated cycles and the rest didn’t bother me so much. While I can tell you that this is nothing like a BFN after an IVF cycle, I kind of wish I could go back to the times when every cycle didn’t hold a bit of possibility.

Anyway, the plan is still do another marathon long IVF cycle, hopefully we actually get eggs that fertilize this time and have something to freeze and then transfer (we are freezing all my embryos and transferring them back when I am off meds). We are probably going to have to wait another month (which really means like 7 weeks from now) as E is not able to take any days off in the first 30 days of his new job. I wish I could say I was bummed about that, but frankly I am a bit relieved to get some more time off. So I am off to pray to the period gods to send my period to me really soon because this prolonged feeling of PMS sucks and it is time just move on…..

CD 31

2011-01-18T09:13:00.004-05:00

CD 31, lots of cramps and back pain, no period yet. Believe me I am checking all the time (although I am kind of sure that my period will know when I publish this post and arrive on cue). I have contemplated buying a HPT and even walked into CVS yesterday. In my basket were one box of HPT’s and one box of tampons. I looked down and thought “really??” and just couldn’t bring myself to buy it. So, I left instead, realizing the HPT could wait another day and I had at least enough tampons to last through the first day or my period should it finally arrive. I did take two OPT’s, one on Saturday and the other yesterday (Monday). I know, I know this is so not the way to go, but they were in my house so I used them, both negative by the way. My therapist pointed out yesterday that I seem to tell her often that my period is late and that maybe I am just not as regular as I think I am. Yeah, maybe.

I told E that I would buy a HPT tonight to take tomorrow morning. I know some you think it is crazy to wait this long, but I loathe HPT’s. I honestly cannot remember the last one I took. I didn’t even take one when I was actually pregnant. So, I thought about it to try to figure out what my issues with HPT’s really are, given that most of you seem to love them so much. At first, I thought I didn’t want to spend the money, but realize that cannot be it. After all, I am willing to shell out about $50,000 on ART, but will not spend a few bucks on a HPT? Not possible.

One part of me thinks that taking a HPT is an admission of a possibility, an admission of hope. It is me saying that perhaps this could happen, despite all the odds. As I have been saying, hope is a little bitch and is not so much my friend right now. But, there is another part of me that knows that taking the HPT is an ending that perhaps I don’t really want to face. A negative result means it is all over and I cannot pretend that January is the fertile month and all of this becomes the product of magical thinking (instead of some kind of miracle).

I think that no infertile woman should ever have to endure a late period. It is the ultimate fake out, a slap in the face. We have already endured so much, we should at least be spared this. I wish we all could have perfect 28 day cycles, no fakes outs ever. We are owed that. Leave the late periods to those fertile women, they get off too easy anyway.

Oh, as for the book I am reading that I mentioned last week, the main character is now pregnant again with her miracle baby. That is the sound of my eyes rolling. If I was not already nearly 300 pages in, I think I would just give up.

Stay tuned, I will keep you posted either way….

Thoughts on Hope

2011-01-14T10:32:00.003-05:00

CD 27, no peeing of any kind. I feel calmer and a whole lot less crazy. I do hate myself just a little for actually doing things like trying to gauge the size of my boobs on a regular basis…Calgon take me away……

On another note, I am reading this book (After You by Julie Buxbaum) right now. I tend to read a lot of chick litt, nonsense books I think because the things in my real life are just a little too heavy these days (my own IF, my patients dealing with cancer, rape, and/or severe bulimia). A girl needs a break right??? Anyway, I started this book, knowing that it was going to likely be a little sad, but not realizing that the main character is a woman who lost a baby boy in the last month of pregnancy (I promise there was no way I could have known that going in). When I got to that part, I stopped in my tracks, deer in head light style… Baby loss, now what do I do? I contemplated stopping the book right there, but kept going anyway.

Today, I read this passage, actually I read this about 5 times. I would be shocked if the author had not had her own IF/baby loss experiences.
Wanting may be the worst feeling of all, next to hope. But hope is the worst. Hope is the moment before peeing on the negative stick. Hope is the moment before they tell you they can’t find the heartbeat. Hope is a setup, a bait and switch, an illusion.

And all I could think was, “hope, we are all fucked.”

(apparently, I am entering into a new phase of this, not crying or sad so much, but I am cursing a ton…sorry!!!)

The post where I admit how crazy I really am

2011-01-12T17:25:00.003-05:00

I am telling you guys this because I clearly cannot share this with anyone else without looking like I have totally lost my mind. So here goes….

I have convinced myself that I am pregnant this month. Now before you go ahead and get all excited, there are probably a few details that you should know. I started thinking this about 4 days post ovulation (clearly way too early for anything to be brewing), we did not see my RE since our last failed IVF attempt, and I have no real pregnancy symptoms (except fuller breasts which can also be explained by the extra 6 lbs I am currently carrying around with me and fatigue, explained by this vicious cycle of ambien and caffeine that I keep repeating—all good for pregnancies I know). Also, there is the little fact that in nearly 4 years of TTC, I have achieved one pregnancy. This means that if we tried every month for the past 4 years, which we certainly have not because I get piss-y about trying the old fashion way between medicated cycles sometimes, my rate of pregnancy is about 2.8% (not great stats, right?). So why then would I convince myself that this is the month?

Well because, my friends, the mind does some crazy, f*cked up things sometimes and likes to play little tricks on us. And because this is the month that I got pregnant in last year so I convinced myself, somehow, that my body is just more fertile in the month of January!!!! If you repeat this to anyone, I promise I will deny it as I realize how insane I currently sound. I almost peed on an OPT this morning because I was just curious and I have heard that you can use those like pregnancy tests (if you know me at all you will know that I never take HPT so this is an odd thing). I almost gave my box of tests to E to hide from me, but I am too embarrassed to admit why I need them hidden in the first place. Ugh.

The reality is that today is CD 24 so it will all be over soon and I can come back down to reality to the world where all pregnancies do not get conceived in the month of January. I need to get in gear as I have been seriously slacking on getting things together for the next IVF cycle and even am considering taking an extra month off (nobody but E and I thinks this is good idea by the way). I would much rather just continue to drink wine and work on getting rid of these extra few lbs instead….

I love you already 2011

2011-01-06T19:22:00.004-05:00

So 6 days into the new year and I am already a big fan. With 2010 being such a crap year for us, 2011 did not have to try so hard to be better, I think it nearly won that title by default. (I worry a little in saying this, as you know what ends up happening when you say things like “hey it can’t get worse, right??, but I digress). In 6 days, I have several pieces of good news to share (and no I’m not pregnant).

The first piece of news is that E got a new job, yay!! He has been looking for a job since mid October and, although interviewing and networking a ton, his main job has been moping around the house. While it is perfectly understandable that he should be this way, I must say it is kind of hard to take. It is hard to be married to an unemployed, kind of depressed guy, although I am sure he can say the same thing about being married to an infertile, kind of depressed woman. I think the worst part for me was that he was always around. Don’t get me wrong, I love spending time with him, I really do. But, getting literally no alone time is not good for me. Usually, since I don’t get to work until about 12:00, I get my whole morning to myself, its great and I love it. I honestly cannot say when the last time that happened was at this point and am very much looking forward to the reinstatement of my morning time!! We will get new insurance, yet again, so cross your fingers for some good fertility benefits (at least covered meds, please!!!).

I did finally talk to my MIL after my email to her this week, mind you I did have to text her as I heard nothing for over 48 hours, but I will take what I can get. She was better this go around and tried hard to be compassionate. Over all, it was a success and I am going to try to go the email route again and try to push her to respond via email too (this time I emailed and she called me), as I think it would frankly be easier for both of us.

But, the biggest piece of news comes on the donor egg front. A few weeks ago, E and I had this discussion (more or less)
me: (after informing him that the donor egg process takes at least 6 months) I will make you deal. If you agree to let me start the donor egg process, should this next cycle fail, I promise to stop talking about this to you to death and will leave you alone about all of this.
E: ok, but I reserve the right to back out at any time
me: really??? Deal !!!! (then I start grinning like a kid on Christmas morning!!!).
Can you say break through???? I know that nothing is set in stone and that he can back out, but still. This is the first movement of any kind we have had in years!!! I told E that I would throw myself whole heartedly into this next cycle and not bring up DE again until it is over. I have been very good about this promise, except for one time when I brought it up just to make sure that he was serious when he said ok, apparently he was :) This does bring up a whole host of other concerns, like possible implantation issues and worries about costs and what if that fails too, but I am not allowing myself to go there yet. Right now I get to be happy that I have a Plan B.

I have about 5 weeks to go before we start IVF #6 and I am busy spinning, drinking coffee, and enjoying wine, basically all the things you are not supposed to do when cycling. I call it the IVF rebound effect. Oh well.

So, as I said before, I love you already 2011!!

Outed to the In Laws

2011-01-05T08:38:00.005-05:00

So something interesting happened over the holidays, my parents spent the day with my in laws. This is really not that unusual, my parents were traveling over the holidays and always see my in laws when they are in FL. It is actually kind of nice that they all get along so well. However, my parents did not realize that my in laws were largely in the dark about where things stand with us regarding IF and so when my in laws asked them how I was holding up these days, they assumed this was in regards to the last IVF cycle and answered accordingly. Oops. (A little history, I have tried to tell them countless times and they do know that we are infertile and have had many failed IVF's. This outing was about recent events of the last cycle and what the next steps are).

Truth be told, I am kind of glad that my in laws now know the entire story and that it wasn’t me that had to do the telling, yet I realize it is not exactly fair to have my parents do the dirty work for me (even though I really didn’t plan it this way, lucky coincidence). I have blogged about this many, many times, the don’t ask, don’t tell policy that appears to be in effect between me (us) and my in laws. I am not even sure why I allow this to continue, it is so unlike me, being a fan of talking and getting things on the table. But, with both my in laws and my brother, I cannot seem to find the right words and since they ask NO questions, communication totally breaks down (my inner therapist is screaming at me the entire time).

My parents apparently gave a lot of details, which is totally fine, so I guess they are mostly up to speed. I was told that at one point even my FIL said to my father “why don’t they just adopt??” Really??? If you know my story, you understand the irony in this statement, with E digging his heals in about non-biological options. I am surprised my father did not laugh in my FIL face (he is bigger person than I am apparently).

I was informed that my in laws are upset that they are out of the loop and cannot understand why me and their son do not talk to them about things (not just IF, this happens with a lot of things and we end up staying on the surface a lot with them). It is upsetting because I think they fail to see their role in all this; not asking questions, minimizing our feeling, reminding us all the time that things are not so bad, calling every hour until we tell them we are fine in an effort to ease their own anxiety. My therapist thinks it is really E’s job to inform them since they are his parents, but I am not sure if I agree with this. I am torn. I feel guilty that they are hurt being out of the loop and can imagine the jealousy they must feel knowing that my parents are intimately involved while they are largely shut out. I talked to E about him speaking to his parents and he responded by telling me that he does not want to deal with “the millions of questions that they are going to ask”. Poor excuse, I know. So it is up to me….

I tried to have several phone conversations with my MIL over the past week, all miserable failures. I can’t get the words out (weird right, since it is clear from this blog that I am full of words). Although if I am being completely fair, my MIL did say that she worries that I must think her silence means that she doesnt' want to know (true), but that really she does not want to pry and beleives that if we want her to know we will tell her (I kind of see her point, sort of). So, yesterday, I took the slightly easier path of emailing her. I am still waiting for a response. We shall see what, if anything, comes of it.

I know I am taking a risk here. She can say nothing or start telling me that it is God’s hands or remind me that I just need to patient. That stuff is hard to hear and I need to remind myself that she thinks she is really helping when she says this crap. Easier said than done for me. I got really excited when I wrote this email actually, thinking I may have had a break through. I even thought about emailing to my brother, my perfect solution, but figured I needed to hold off a bit and see how this goes before I get too excited.

I will keep you posted…..

Ghosts of Winter Clothes Past

2010-12-28T13:14:00.006-05:00

I have been feeling this déjà vu thing for a while now. Reminders of my pregnancy with Baby H feel all around me as we enter the season of his conception and my pregnancy. There are some seasonal reminders of walking through slushy streets and remembering being so afraid last year of slipping and falling with my precious cargo on board (I actually started to cancel sessions on snowy days, even those that were not really so bad to keep me off the streets). I thought of that as I made way through the streets today, piled with snow from the storm this weekend. But mostly my reminders come from my clothes, weird right? Let me explain.

I never purchased maternity clothes, but having made it to 15 weeks, I certainly was not fitting into my regular clothes (probably for me from week 10 on). I settled for leggings and long sweaters most days. Some already part of my regular wardrobe and others that I purchased knowing that I would need some room for my expanding belly. There were even some bought right after the loss, to carry me through until I fit back into my clothes again, after not being able to stand wearing the same 4 things over and over again. As time marched on and I started to heal, spring approached and I packed up those sweaters and tops and hid them away with the rest of my winter stuff, tucked in the open corners of my apartment and under my bed (if you live in NYC you understand the need to use every square inch of space you got). A few months ago, those sweaters came back out, replacing the t-shirts and tank tops that had been in my drawers.

Every time I wear one of “those” sweaters, I have a flash back. What I wore to my RE pregnancy scan appointments, which shirt was on for my first meeting with my new OB. I have a distinct memory of wearing a sweater vest over a long sleeve t-shirt and unbuttoning the vest to show my father my belly just starting to poke out. If I remember correctly, he started to tear up. I know what I wore to my NT scan and remember trying to re-button myself and put myself back together after getting such devastating news.

I have thought about throwing this stuff out, not wanting to literally wear the memories on my body, but I haven’t. I continue to wear these clothes, although this season with belts or in a draping way rather than in an attempt to cover things up like last year. There is only one thing that I threw away. It is the sweat shirt that I wore to the hospital on the day of my D&E. Most of my hoodies are white or black, very nondescript as they look exactly like each other and become my uniform at the gym or what I put on with lounge pants around my house. But, this one was grey with colorful flowers on it. I am not sure why I pulled that out, maybe it was on top or was more roomy than some of the others, I have no idea. But, I know I was wearing it that day. I kept it for months after and continued to wear it, each time feeling that dull stab of memory, until one day I just took it off and put it in the garbage. That is strange for me, to not recycle or donate clothing items, but the garbage was where I felt it belonged.

It is weird that I am writing this today, as this post has been swimming in my head for a while and I am wearing a new cardigan right now, purchased just a few weeks ago and holding no particular memories or meaning. I think my thoughts have been on my pregnancy a lot recently, oddly more so than my baby these days. That time feels oddly disjointed and dream like to me, so my memories of it mimic that as they are disconnected and non-linear, tons of gaps. Yet, it is all around me, in my closet, in my drawers, on my body. I worry how I am going to feel as February turns to March and then to April. Perhaps, I will be so wrapped up in my next cycle that it will not be so bad. I’m not sure. I just know that things feel kind of weird right now and lonely and off. I can’t really explain it exactly….

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Wishing you all the best of everything in 2011. Thank you for pulling me through this past year. I have never been so happy to say goodbye to a year. Farwell 2010, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

My quest for IF Prevention

2010-12-26T11:40:00.002-05:00

I spent Jewish Christmas with my aunt and uncle yesterday. Traditionally, this means Chinese food and going to the movies, but this year my aunt cooked steak and salmon (yum) and we watched a DVD. I love Jewish Christmas because with nothing open, you are forced to stay in and just relax, something that just might get a repeat performance with the blizzard that is headed to NYC today (sad that I need to be forced into relaxing sometimes). Anyway, we had a lovely time, but the point of this post is about the conversation I had with my cousin that night.

My cousin is about to turn 29 years old, she is not dating anyone presently. I call her the baby whisper-er because babies lover her! She is currently an elementary school teacher. She worked in a day care center while she was getting her master’s degree in the room with the babies (seriously, I mean like 6 month olds, an entire room of them). It is clear, she is meant to be a mother and as my own mother says “it would be a crime if she could not have that”. Well enter me….. I planted seeds with both my cousin’s mother and her sister so she was primed for this conversation. I had feared that I would catch her off guard and possibly offend her, but it felt too important to say nothing. So there we sat, two women at the kitchen table, me as a cautionary tale as I told my baby cousin (7 years younger) about egg freezing.

She asked a ton of questions, many of which I had trouble answering with my best advice being for her to go see my RE for a consultation appointment. She asked me if this was my issue, age related old eggs. I was honest and told her that I have no idea. I was just shy of my 32nd birthday when we started TTC and, given that I have many mild medical conditions that were not related to age (fragile x, endo, blood clotting disorder), I did not really know. But, I do know that when it comes to babies, time is not on your side.

I feel excited for her with the ability to “freeze” time and have 29 year old eggs to use as a back-up plan when she is ready to TTC herself. I did feel like the bad example in the way of “don’t let this be you” or a bad after school special (clearly they do not make after school specials about IF), but still. The party line most of us get from our gynecologist’s is you're fine, you're still young. I feel they do a particularly crappy job of talking to their patient’s about their fertility. So we shall see what happens, but frankly, if I can prevent this from happening to just one person, especially one that I love as much as I love my baby cousin, then my job has been done….

Does It Ever Really End???

2010-12-19T22:26:00.003-05:00

I had a really weird Friday. I got two pieces of really bad news about friends and IF, kind of at the same time. I was walking to lunch with my friend M, who after years of IF and RPL, finally had her son via donor egg. She was telling me that this past donor egg cycle had just ended in a miscarriage at week 8 (she used the donor as they did with her son). Her D&C was the day before, I kind of couldn’t believe she was up for lunch and had no idea that this was going on until we were walking to the restaurant.

At the very same time, I got an email regarding another friend of my mine, A, a woman who also finally had her miracle baby girl after years of IF and RPL. I will not go into that story since A sometimes reads my blog, but putting it simply, when you are dealing with IF things are never easy.

My heart is breaking for both of them.

I sat there thinking on Friday, what the fuck is wrong with this world. Here are two amazingly strong women, who fought like hell to get their way out of this crazy IF world. They have both become brilliant and grateful mothers, who know how lucky they are to be mothers to two amazing children. And yet, after finally freeing themselves from infertility, they get yanked back in it. Really??? Where is the sense in that?

M told me over lunch that this miscarriage was not as hard as ones that came before, especially because her son has already made her mother, but that it did bring back some terrible memories and she felt flooded by her past and all the traumas that came before.

I feel so angry. So angry that we live in world where such good people get far more than their share!! This is not to say that I really believe in laws of fairness, but come on, perhaps things can get a little spread out here so that all this crap does not have to happen to same the people over and over again (myself included, I guess).

It is strange because both A and M have been off this fertility track with me for about 2 years. At first, I felt oddly abandoned, despite how happy I truly was for both of them. Eventually, I was ecstatic that I had these two women to lean on. They became my hope, a real sign that there was life after IF. They understood me like nobody else could. I could look at the faces of their adorable children and think “wow, how amazing”. Right now, I am just so pissed that they find themselves back here. So really universe, what the hell is going here??? I think all of us could use a break already!!!! Infertility sucks in so many ways, but sometimes the unfairness of it all feels like the worst part.
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I got my period tonight, very cramp-y and painful this cycle (as I sit picturing endo taking over my ovaries every time I get a painful period). There is nothing I love more than a period after a failed cycle. It feels oddly cleansing to me, like I am getting all those dam meds out of me or something like that. I should have some updates on the next cycle soon, although I think we are getting pushed way out to Feb due to clinic closures over the next month. I will keep you posted….

A Bloody Mess

2010-12-16T12:05:00.008-05:00

I was looking for whitty title to this post, I think I failed pretty miserably. Oh well.
Anyway, today I met with my lovely new hematologist who I LOVED, despite the fact that she does not take insurance so my 20 min appt cost me $380.00 and that she shares a waiting room with an ob/gyn so I was forced to sit next to a bunch of belly rubbing women this morning. The MTHFR finding turns out to be nothing to worry about with me only have one copy of the gene mutation, so we can push that out of our minds. However, she did say that there was something else that she was concerned about.

I apparently have a protein S deficiency. She did warn that my levels are not so low, at 54% with 60% being the cut off for normal, (yet again another mild issue), but that this could be enough of an issue for her to want to treat me for it. Protein S issues come into play for RPL, but also can play a role in implantation issues, which is more of the case for me (I have not had a micarriage). This protein has something to do with blood fluidity and a deficiency creates a situation in which your blood is too clotty. She wants me to take asprin plus Lovenox pre-transfer and to stay on these meds throughout a pregnancy (if we are lucky enough to get that far). She mentioned that this condition is not so severe as to impact me throughout my life outside of pregnancy (is there a life outside of all this?), but warned that I should not take birth control pills again in the future due to the risk of blood clots. Seeing as birth control is not so much an issue clearly, that should be fine. Interesting stuff. I am kind of excited about this and always eager to get another piece of the puzzle figured out. Although it is annoying that this testing was not done earlier, but I am trying to let that one go.

I am busy researching away (did I ever mention how much I hate internet, needle in hay stack, medical researching?). I know this may be something some of you have dealt with and I am hoping that you oh so smart ladies can point me in the right direction…..

Poking Fun At belly Pics

2010-12-14T21:37:00.000-05:00

I am not one to do this, but someone posted this on FB and I couldn't resist :) Both E and I were laughing out loud (for real)!!! So this is for all you ladies as sick as I am with all those belly pics floating around.....enjoy....
http://pregnantchicken.squarespace.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/12/10/awkward-pregnancy-photos.html

I promise this is worth it so please follow the link :)

Yet another update

2010-12-11T22:39:00.002-05:00

Well, all I can say is that it has been an eventful kind of day.

We received a call from Dr. S about an hour or so after we got the fertilization report. He told me that he was at home so he could not see my full embryology report, but that he was aware of the numbers. He was sympathetic and sorry that things had not gone better. He then told us that he wants to not transfer our lone embryo, but actually freeze it and do an entire other cycle (same idea, stimm, fertilize, freeze embryos, and transfer in the un-medicated uterus). This one embryo can then get tossed in with whatever we get out of this next cycle. Dr. S does not assume that these fertilization results will happen again, as they never have in prior cycles. The kicker is this; he said that he can get the clinic to cover the cost of the cycle (minus meds and hospital fees for the retrieval) as he knows we are nearing the end of our process and our finances. Dr. S wants me to get on the calendar for Jan/Feb IVF.

So I have no idea how I feel, aside from grateful that we can get another cycle funded. We are still kind of shocked that this was offered to us, in fact when we got this news E and I just looked at each other and laughed (in the hysterical way that people about to go crazy laugh). I have not yet come to terms with what it means that this will be retrieval 6 for me (ugh). I am sure you all will hear the emotions attached to all this soon enough. For now, I am too exhausted both physically and emotionally to figure out how I feel and would rather just go to bed (I love you Ambien, I promise I only take this occasionally and during non-cycle times). Thank you so much for your kindness and support. I am lost without you…..

IVF #5 = Disaster (at least so far)

2010-12-11T12:52:00.003-05:00

So clearly things have no exactly gone as planned. Yesterday, we retrieved 10 eggs, on the lower side for me (9 was my lowest). I felt kind of neutral about that, actually I had no emotion either way, it was if somebody had told me the weather report when I heard the news. I expected to have about half immature and end up with 5-6 eggs. We ended up with 5 mature eggs fine enough. But, only 1 fertilized (via ICSI). You know its bad news when an RE (not my RE though since he is not on this weekend) calls with the fertizilation report, instead of the nurse. She told me that they will do delayed/ rescue ICSI on the remaining 4 eggs to see if any of them fertilize. I know little about this, but have heard that the rates are low for additional fertilization (Anyone with information on this, please chime in!!!!). We are not freezing one embryo, obviously, and will be transferring on Monday (we will trasnfer this one embryo and any others that make it out of rescue ISCI). I was told that Monday is Dr S’s transfer day so he will be there himself. I am happy for this, but frankly I think I am on his nerves right now with all my extra calls to him (although I am not so sure I care).
So that about it over here. We are due at my parents this afternoon for a late Hanukkah party, they already know we are going to be late since I got the call about 15 min before we were headed out the door. At this point, I could care less who knows I am upset anymore and if I am crying in the middle of the party, so be it (it will just be my parents, aunts, uncles, and few cousins-oh yeah my brother and his family too, oh joy). Any information on rescue ICSI is helpful. But please, I am not so up for this “it only takes one bs”.

Cycle update

2010-12-09T12:39:00.005-05:00

So I am now coming off the longest stimm ever (well, maybe not ever but for me it was long). I took follistim for a total of 12 days and triggered last night. Dr S pushed me out longer as in the past about half of my eggs are were immature and he wanted to see if we could do a bit better than that (hopefully he will not have waited too long and over cooked me). I am scheduled for my retrieval at 8:30 AM tomorrow (which will be 15 days ,after my day 4 start of meds, wow). Side effect wise, I am ok, although I do admit that it feels like my swollen ovaries are trying to burrow their way out of my body through my back (or something like that). I have gained about 3-4 lbs in past 3 weeks :( making me very sad since I had finally gotten myself back to a weight I was comfortable with since starting all this mess. Oh well. I am ready for this cycle to just be over and had dreamed of returning to normal and to my spin class post retrieval, but things remain somewhat unclear.

As you might recall, the plan was to freeze all embryos on day 3 and transfer them later in non-medicated cycle into the “un-medicated uterus”. Well, around when I started stimms I started to get nervous about the freezing/defrosting process and given that I am a woman who usually gets about 3 good embryos out of an IVF cycle with nothing left to freeze, I was afraid of not having left to transfer with this protocol (meaning that nothing of quaility is left after we "thaw" the embryos out"). Dr. S had said that I can expect to lost 20% of my embryos in the freezing process. My initial question was about a fresh transfer if there are very few embryos (my last cycle produced 4 embryos), but Dr. S is now talking about putting 1-2 back now and freezing the rest, if we get decent numbers (he will not really say what decetnnumbers mean, trust me I have tried to pin him down on . I am not really sure what happens if we have few embryos. I have called in to Dr. S many, many times, but somehow never seem to get a clear answer. The answer today got me to “let’s wait to see on Monday what your embryo quality looks like and go from there”. Well, that’s all fine and good I guess, but I am not really so good at let’s wait and see. I like plans, structure, the ability to look ahead at least a little. Now, I can’t even tell if I am going to be at work on Monday and Tuesday of this week (my poor patients) and may end up taking POI, that I am starting just in case, for nothing. E has agreed to do his part and call again for me to see if we can get some clear answers. Maybe he will have better luck.

I am worried that I kind of played RE and opened this can of worms up. Woudl this have even come up if I did not start asking questions? I am worried that doing the fresh transfer will prevent us from doing the frozen one which was the entire point of this cycle (meaning we transfer now and thus have nothing left in Jan). I have never gotten two trasnfers out of cycle, what makes this time different? I am also worried that this blood clotting issue which may or may not be nothing, has not been looked into yet and even though Dr. S says its probably nothing, I am not so confident (for those of you that asked, I am not currently on anything and have been told that my homocysteine levels are normal). Unfortunately, my hematologist appt is not until next week (post transfer should we do one). I am not sure how someone with all kinds of time, suddenly ran out of time. I wish I had more faith in this porcess and with Dr S, but at IVF #5 how can you not be skeptical.

So with all that said, I am crossing my fingers for tomorrow. Please, please let this be my last retrieval!!!!! (even if this does not result in a BFP, an end is just as good).

**** just an update, I did send my letter to the editor of the NY Post and the author of the original article, no response on either fronts. oh well****

I'll Show You "Good"

2010-12-05T12:39:00.007-05:00

Both my father and E have commented on how much better I am doing this cycle. While I am trying hard to stay present and take things as they come this cycle, I find that somewhat of backwards complement, (like telling me how nice my hair looks now that I do it curly, thus implying that my straightened hair looked like crap). That comment, makes me feel not only heavily criticized for my behavior in prior cycles, but also leaves me with a burning desire to start acting crazy as if to let them know, hey this is still hard on me people no matter how “good” I am doing. I recognize that they are both trying to be nice and do realize that I am reading into things, but still. I asked my father what he actually meant by that comment and he told that this time last year (IVF # 3 and 4 were both last fall), I seemed more stressed and on edge and that now I am acting calmer and less emotional, "you seem good" he said (since when does less emotional equal good?). My first impulse when hearing this comment was to worry about the mess I must have been in the past and what people must have thought about me and my not so “good” behavior. But second, and perhaps more worrisome to me, is the fear that it is not ok if I begin to go downhill and do less good this cycle. It feels like a lot of pressure and heightens the fear that I am being observed under a microscope and that all my behaviors are being categorized in two groups: either “good” or “really, C, is this how you are acting, a stronger woman would not be behaving this way”.

I feel the need to want to add this to list of things not to say to me as an infertile woman, along with telling me how lucky I am that I will not be woken up in the morning by my crying toddler or the lovely story of your neighbor’s cousin’s friend’s twins conceived via IVF (really, IVF why haven’t I thought to try that before????). I used to think there was an award given to the woman with the most flawless IVF behavior. In my head, I pictured it as involving no weight gain, minimal to no tears, and little crankiness and complaining. Clearly, I have failed miserably and won no IVF behavior awards. At this point, I have pulled myself out of the competition, if you would like to win over me, the prize belongs to you. I try now to just let myself be and not judge or criticize myself, which I guess it is why comments like my father’s and E’s are just plain annoying. I wish they could know that there is really no prize for tear free IVF. IVF sucks, it is impossible to get out of it tear free and the woman who claims that is possible is probably crying in the shower where nobody can hear her (trust me, I have had my share of shower tears).

Today is day 10 of stimms. I have a ways to go. I officially ran out of follistim and will have to pay $540 for additional meds since we are unable to call them in through my insurance approved, mail ordered pharmacy on such short notice. I am feeling fine and not so fine at the same moment. Yesterday I was told at my scan that there was a lot going on in there, but today was told I have 6 to 8 follicles (not good for someone who tends to have at least half that immature). Past retrievals have produced anywhere from 16 to 9 eggs half of which are immature, clearly you know which side of that spread I would like to fall on (although to be fair all prior cases resulted in a BFN). I talked to Dr. S about possibly doing a fresh transfer in addition to our planned FET. He said yes, but now I worry that I am doing his job for him and that I should put all my eggs into the frozen basket especially because I have not yet had a chance to meet with the hematologist about my MTHFR diagnosis, not to mention the entire rationale for the FET in the first place. Dr. S and I have agreed to talk more when we get the fertilization report (the day after retrieval) so who really knows what is happening next. So when I think about how I am doing this cycle, I have no idea how I am supposed to answer that or what doing "good/ better" would even mean. This is why when I started to cry about 20 min ago, I did not feel the slightest bit bad about it, even though I knew I was not even sure why I was crying and that I would ruin my cry free record this go around, screw it, who needs that record anyway.…..

My New Anger at the NY Post

2010-12-02T11:53:00.002-05:00

This morning, following our monitoring appointment, E and I went for a cup of (decaf for me) coffee. I happened to glance at E’s NY Post and saw this article written about Martha Stewart’s daughter who is having a child via surrogate. Now, the NY Post is a far cry from the NY Times and, while I would not really consider it journalism at its finest, I am still appalled at the claims made by the writer of this article. I have never written in to a newspaper or anything of the like before, but I am drafting a letter to this article’s author (whose email address happens to be posted along with the article). Please let me know if you have any feedback or would like me to include anything else. All feedback is welcomed!

Dear Ms. Peyser

I came across your article in the NY Post on 12/2/10 titled “Womb for One More at Martha Manor”. Ironically, I saw it while sitting with my husband following an appointment with my Reproductive Endocrinologist for the most recent IVF cycle that we are involved in. What became increasingly more clear to me as I read your article, was the lack of information you seem to have about Infertility and ART (Assisted Reproductive Technologies) in general.

Your opening line states “The rich do not reproduce like you and me. They replicate expensively, dramatically- and before an audience”. My husband and I are not rich or famous, yet we cannot reproduce like most “normal” people and have sought the assistance of expensive doctors and procedures which are difficult for us to afford.

According to Resolve (the National Infertility Association), infertility affects approximately 10% of the population and strikes diverse groups-affecting people from all socioeconomic levels and cutting across all racial, ethnic and religious lines. I also assume that this 10% of the population are also not all rich or famous and that they struggle, as we do with infertility and treatment/ family building options. I worry that articles like yours do great damage to the millions of infertile men and women and promote inaccurate stereotypes and fallacies that infertiles have selfishly squandered away their reproductive years or are all seeking the perfect clone of themselves.

Infertility is a disease, with multiple causes. I, personally, face numerous health conditions that would make becoming a mother naturally, as you put it, nearly impossible, despite the fact that I began to try for a baby well before my 32nd birthday (not young, but certainly within the range of my “baby-making” years). Additionally, I fear that you misrepresent and over simplify choices such as adoption and donor eggs. Both are wonderful, viable options for families, but yet are not to be entered into lightly. Is it not normal to mourn the loss of having a biological connection to your child? While a genetic link is certainly not the most important aspect of parenting or parent to child attachment, it is something that most families can take for granted and represents serious issues for infertile couples looking to build a family. Assuming that these are the right choices for anyone, including Alexis Stewart or Sarah Jessica Parker, seems not only unfair, but also frankly, not your call to make.

I would also like to address misconceptions likening surrogacy to the Octomom and depicting adoption as an easy or cheaper family building option. The octomom is an extreme example. In fact, the doctor who treated Nadia Suleman is currently at risk to lose his medical license for transferring a high number of embryos during her IVF procedure. The American Society of Reproductive Medicine, has strict guidelines regarding the number of embryos that are transferred during IVF procedures to significantly minimize the occurrence of higher order multiples. While selective reduction procedures are still needed in certain circumstances, these are not choices taken lightly by families or their medical teams. As far as adoption, your article paints a picture of adoption as an easy, affordable family building option. Adoption is a wonderful choice for many families, however I urge you to speak with the countless families who are currently in that process, I have never heard it described as easy or inexpensive. Both domestic and international adoptions are long, complex processes, aspects that your article does not address in its romanticized depiction of adoption.

I do not pretend to know Ms. Stewart or the exact circumstances that have brought her to pursue surrogacy. I do, however, know firsthand the emotional, physical, and financial hardships of infertility. I strongly encourage you to think twice before printing such an inflammatory article. Additionally, it would seem to me that you and your newspaper would want to print articles that serve to further the cause of infertility and the millions of families that are impacted, not those that stand to do just the opposite.

Thank you for your time and consideration

CGD
***update: letter sent including a link to this blog. thanks as always for your comments and support***

Anchors

2010-11-29T21:52:00.006-05:00

While I often complain of the loss IF has brought to my life over the past nearly 4 years, it has also given me a lot of clarity and allowed me to see the love and generosity of my friends and family members. Because sometimes these friends do not want to do for me or what to say to me, I get lots of sweet gifts and cards. This is partly how I have amassed what I now call my IF jewelry collection.

I have a bracelet that my parents bought for me as a birthday present a few years back from an art fair in Lincoln Center. While this was not exactly given to me as a direct result of my IF, I love it and wear it when I need to feel some extra love and keep my parents close to me. My best friend A gave me a pair of shell earrings from Coast Rica in the shape of turtles, as a symbol of the speed at which my TTC journey is moving at and for a tortoise and the hare reference (as in slow as steady wins the race).

For this cycle, I am wearing 3 pieces of my IF jewelry collection. I am attaching pictures below. The ring was given to me by my best friend A (clearly she is very generous). It is from Israel and says “luck, love, wealth, and life” in Hebrew letters. The second is a picture of my wrist. I am wearing two bracelets. The first is a silver bangle that my friend R gave me. It is a wish bracelet that was given to her by her mother and that she wore when she conceived and carried her two children (both conceived via IUI). I was so touched when she chose to give it to me. The second is a bracelet given to me by my college friends after we lost baby H. I used to wear it every day as a way to be closer to him, but now I just wear when I need to. In the picture you can see two of links that read courage and love, but the bracelet is a string of beads all with words on it. It is a truly wonderful gift and I amazed to have friends so lovely to give me something like this to mark my baby and his life. (this is a link for the bracelet, it is sold at the St Jude’s Children’s Hospital website).

I wear all 3 of these pieces on the same hand. It reminds of why I am here and that I have love all around me. They serve as my anchors and allow me to draw strength from other people when I lack it myself. It is something positive to focus on when I am waiting for my u/s and blood draws.

My task for today is a lupron and follistim injection, day 4 of stimms. I go in tomorrow to see how things are going and then off to an acupuncture session before work. So far so good…..

**** I tried to repost the pics, hopefully this will work.**** As of this morning (11/30), I am looking at about 13 follies still small but getting started. Two hour wait this morning, all of NYC was in Cornell's waiting room, there has to be a better way for them to do this. Lots of hormonal, angry women there......

IVF #5: Never Say Never

2010-11-27T10:55:00.004-05:00

I survived thanksgiving and the in law visit. Not one word was said about IF by my MIL, despite a few references that I made to my medications, nothing. I guess that is ok, but it is just so strange to have it hanging out there like that, something so large and so unspoken. I need to remind myself that this way is really better as I already know what happens when I try to force these conversations. Her hallmark card “it will be ok’s” are less than helpful.

Things with my brother are very weird. We literally said 2 words on Thursday to each other and it is possible that I said even less to my SIL. Now granted there were 30 people at my Thanksgiving dinner, but still. I felt very weird and tense every time I was near him. I am considering sending another email to him to clear the air, but you know how those usually go. I wish I was better at just accepting the state of things, but that is not one of my strong suits. I do fear that things are getting worse between us. I keep thinking that me having my own children will help with this and give us something in common, but as I move further away from that, the bridge between us seems less and less likely. The good news is that it is easier to be around their daughter M. She is adorable and at such a fun age and if I get her away from her parents, which usually means she is attached to my own mother’s hip, it is much easier for me to tolerate. My parents are babysitting for her soon and I will probably go over to see her then for some quality, but brother and SIL free, time. I continue to be convinced that my SIL is pregnant again, but luckily there was no pregnancy announcement at thanksgiving as feared. It is coming soon though, I just know it.

So I started follisitim yesterday. They pushed my start off to a day 4 because there were 18 IVF patients starting on Thursday. This does not mean good things for waiting times at morning monitoring and for retrieval day. I see some long mornings in my future. I am doing ok, but feel very nervous about this cycle and freezing day 3 embryos. I am so worried that we will have nothing to transfer and will have spent all this money on pretty much nothing. My first IVF cycle cost about $10,000 and we transferred nothing. It was just miserable for me. My parents are paying for this cycle for us and there is something about the added pressure of wasting their money that feels different than when it was my own. I know that this is coming from me and that they have no illusions that there is guarantee of this working, but it’s still hard. I am worried that I am going to be a mess between ER and the transfer that is a month later. I am sure this is how most of you feel when doing FET, but at least you already had a fresh transfer at some point. All of this, in my case, is riding on this FET. In the spirit of taking this one step at time, I am saying that here and will try to leave it, at least for now. I have a lot to get through before the FET comes and need to take it one step at a time. Breath in, breath out…… breath in, breath out.

I kind of cannot believe that this is IVF #5. Sometimes I look around myself and think, how is this my life? How did I get here? I must have taken a very wrong turn at some point. I never thought I would be the kind of person who would do 5 IVF cycles. I always thought those women were crazy. Yet another lesson in never saying never.

So here is what I need from you, do not let me jump 8 steps ahead of myself. Please keep me focused on the task in front of me. Today this means an acupuncture session and injections of follistim and lupron tonight, that’s it. Simple and easy. I will worry about tomorrow, tomorrow (don’t let me forget that!!!)

Giving Back

2010-11-23T22:37:00.002-05:00

I am too confused to figure out what I am thankful for right now. Frankly, my mind is all jumbled up and it is kind of hard to see straight. So instead of racking my brain trying to get myself to a place that I find hard to go to right now, I am choosing another path. I am giving this Thanksgiving.

I just whipped out my credit card and made a donation to Resolve. Not a big donation because given the state of things these days, a big donation is not in the cards, but a donation none the less. I got a letter in the mail from them yesterday and just as E was about to throw it out, he looked and me and said, “you want to donate, don’t you?” I just looked at him and he said “ok” before I even opened my mouth.

As I was typing in my credit card information just a few minutes ago, I paused and thought it is strange to not be giving to help those less fortunate than me as I usually do with charitable donations. This was an organization that I use, that helps people like me. While I do not think of myself as a charity case, I am glad that resolve is there and that there are also resources like this blogging community to carry us through. That is something that I can be easily be thankful for (see look I found my thankfulness anyway).

In unrelated news, I got my lupron period today and I will be a day 3 starter. This means that I get to go in for baseline labs and u/s and start follistim on turkey day. Lucky me!! No turning back now....

Poker Face

2010-11-22T13:26:00.004-05:00

If the saying is true about marrying your mother, I am not sure how E decided to marry me. I could not be more unlike E’s mother if I tried. She is not a bad person, in fact she is really nice and tries really hard, I just wish she would not get on my nerves so much.

When E and I got engaged, his mother and I had a rocky go of it. I think perhaps she was having trouble grappling with the idea that her son was “replacing” her as the most important woman in his life or something like that. I think she liked me on paper. Jewish, smart, comes from a nice family, has a Ph.D. But, in reality, some of what she liked about me became part of the issue. The type A parts of me that made me the kind of person who got her Ph.D. did not mesh so well with the lack of planning, kind of all over the place parts of her. She never worked outside the home, did not go to college, and had a hard time understanding me and my ambitions (my own mother has a master’s degree and went back to work when I was 8). Yet, over the last few years, things have gotten better and we have fallen into a groove together, more or less.

This weekend was hard though. They are visiting us for the week and I have not seen them in a long while. I wish I could say that I was excited about the visit, but I wasn’t. I tried really hard to be and really wanted to get myself there, but found it too hard to do so. As their visit loomed closer, I found myself feeling more and more dread. The day they arrived, I could almost taste my irritability, I hate when that happens. It could be the Lupron, but who really knows. I don’t like to just blame the meds and know I need to take more personal responsibility than that.

I tried really hard to suck it up and put on a smile and think I probably succeeded most of the time. Yet today I worried that I might have been snappy sometimes over the weekend. I asked E if he noticed that and he said yes, but was unable to give me examples when I asked him to. I told him I would try to keep it in check. He thanked me for that. I talked to my therapist about it and she told me that I have banked in enough “good daughter in law points” to be allowed a certain amount of snapping and that I should not beat myself up about it. Clearly, I am not so good at that and am sitting on a pile of guilt right now.

I think for me what is hard about my in law’s, my MIL especially is how Pollyanna she is about everything. I get a lot of its god’s will, good things will happen, you can’t let this get you down from her. She does not just do this to us, but kind of to everyone who is going through something. it is just her way. To me, it feels like nails on a chalk board.

What bothers me is not that she doesn’t get it because I don't really expect her to. I know this is confusing and that IF is like a foreign language (although my parents and my closer friends have picked up the language right along with me), she does not really need to get it. However, what is hard is that she does not want to get it. I have forwarded her countless articles only to be asked for video clips because she does not really want to read all this (as if I asked her to read an entire book -these were short-ish articles from Resolve). I asked her to watch a few tv’s shows (Guilianna and Bill and the Baby Lab) and somehow she seemed to not know how to find the right channel on her cable box. So I stopped because I get it, you really don’t want to know.

The day after my D&E with Baby H, when I was still recovering and bleeding, my MIL told me that I shouldn’t let myself keep feeling sad about this. I replied by reminding her that it just happened yesterday and we never spoke about this again. In knowing her, I don’t think she meant to hurt me, but I think it hurt her so much to see me sad that she wanted to snap her fingers and make me happy again. So I fell in line and just stopped talking about it.

If you asked E if he is close to his parents he would definitely answer yes. They speak every day, but if you listen to what they are talking about it is the weather, what he ate for dinner, what movie we saw over the weekend. Not the real stuff. I have trouble with those kinds of relationships. I do not have a great poker face and do not do well with faking it and get bored easily with more shallow relationships. What I really want is to tell E's parents what is going on, so it sits on the tip of my tongue, hence the snapping (I have tried to tell them so many times already and am finally feel smart enough not to keep beating my head against that same brick wall). Ugh, I really hate it when there are no real solutions.

Marriage is an interesting thing. While it is often a happy occasion, it is hard to mold yourself into a whole new family that you did not grow up in and is already set in their ways. When it is just E and I, this is not really an issue as we are our own family, but I know we do not live on island and there are other parties involved.

Today is day 10 of lupron. I should get my lupron period any day now and will be a day 3 start of stimms. I am working really hard to be the good on paper daughter in law, let’s just hope that I start stimms after they leave on Friday! It may be cutting it close.

In Defense of Imperfection

2010-11-16T14:57:00.006-05:00

I, like many of you, get a bunch of anonymous posts from time to time. Always the more inflammatory comments come from these anonymous posters. I do not expect everyone to agree with me. I recognize that sometimes, in my effort to be raw and honest, I say some rather unpopular/ not so nice things. I do not mean them to be provocative but can understand that this can happen from time to time. So by all means, disagree with me, but please do so in a respective manner.

It is interesting that I am choosing to write this post now, given that far worse things have appeared on my blog (ranging from being told that I am clearly not ready to be a mother to comments degrading my religion). No such things happened yesterday, so I cannot tell why I felt so defensive or hurt. Clearly I am more sensitive these days than usual (thanks Lupron). The fabulous Mel wrote a post about respectful commenting recently that I think you all should read by the way. My post is about defending myself though.

I have never pretended to be a perfect person or to have the perfect marriage. I have never really believed in happily ever after fairytales and have chosen to live most of my life realistically. I know that realistically all couples fight. My parents, who will celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary this year, have one the best marriages I have ever seen, but I can assure you that I have seen them fight countless times throughout the years. E and I do fight sometimes, as I imagine that most of you also do with your significant other. The last 4 years though we have learned to fight a whole lot less. When you are dealing with giant issues like IF the little things seem less important and we have learned how to communicate, let things slide, and, yes, fight more effectively. Obviously, there is such a thing as too much fighting, I will be the first to admit that, but all couples fight and the ones that say they don’t are probably lying (in my opinion). If we used occasional fighting as a bench mark for readiness to have children, no babies would be born.

Fighting with my husband, or in yesterday’s case, my passive aggressive behavior does not mean that I should leave my husband or that we should not be having children right now. It means that these are complex issues and even rational people become irrational from time to time. I would love E and I to be on the same the page about our next steps, I have no words to describe how much I want that. But, I also know that coming to terms with third party reproduction options is a process and that often couples do not get through that process on the same time table. Some couples never reach an agreement, although I imagine that most do. This is a situation that I never thought I would find myself in. I never asked my husband pre-marriage, “hey, what would you do if we could not have children?” I never thought I would need to ask that. But here we are now 4 years into our TTC journey. Although I do kind of want to get my way sometimes, I also know that E is entitled to his own process as well. This is complicated stuff, there is no right answer.

In an ideal world, we would all be able to pick the perfect environment in which to bring our babies into. No fighting, gainful employment, financial stability. I know there are also a few lucky families out there that can pick what season their children are born in (thus avoiding the dreaded pregnancy in the summer thing) or how many years separate their first from their second child (clearly these are things that no longer matter to me). But, I really believe if we all waited for the perfect time to have children, we would never have them. I do think that some times in our lives are better than others and that there are people/ relationships not fit for children, but these are extreme circumstances. I always think of Bill Clinton’s childhood and remember that he grew up poor and not under the best of circumstances. You do not need to be rich to raise a child. Nor do you need to have a perfect marriage or have everything together yourself. Sometimes, you need to find the time that is right enough and just take a leap. That is kind of what this IVF cycle is for me. It is less than perfect, but I am leaping anyway.

So in the end I know this, I am doing the best that I can. I do not have all the answers and, frankly, don’t really want to. I am an imperfect person who is married to another imperfect person and together we have imperfect an marriage. What more is there??..

Attack of the Passive Aggressive Bitch

2010-11-15T15:08:00.004-05:00

I used to be a rather passive aggressive person. I know this is an ugly quality and I hated myself for doing it. However, being in my mid twenties and not being particularly confident, it was hard for me to find my voice. Luckily, working with my first long term therapist when I was in graduate school (I promise you I am not that crazy but as a psychologist really find the value in psychotherapy) l learned to find my voice and became less afraid to use it. The passive aggressive stuff dramatically improved. Of course it rears its ugly head from time to time, but hey, I’m only human, right?

Well, this weekend was a dozy. In reality, it started on Thursday. I bitched at E for no apparent reason (about clothes that he wanted to get rid of in his closet of all dumb things), only to later realize that my feelings about my biopsy were likely to blame. I was not afraid of the actual procedure, but I found out I was pregnant with baby H when I was supposed to have a biopsy back in February. Everything felt oddly familiar, only this time no surprise 2 lines. I guess I should have predicted an emotional response, but it somehow kind of snuck up on me.

Saturday, the day I started lupron injections, the bitch from hell reappeared. This time my irrational anger was about E’s parents visit this coming week and all the plans that have for us (mainly involving seeing a string of distant relatives, meaning near strangers to me). I was annoyed that E did not have this thought: “hey, C will be on meds, maybe I should try to shelter her from my distant relatives since she may not be so up for all of this”. I yelled for a good 30 min about "I have no idea what" and E eventually told me that he was not going to deal with me if I was going to act like this for the entire cycle. I guess I kind of deserved that. After feeling like I wanted to kill him for a good hour, I calmed myself down and forced myself to think about what is really going on. This is what I came up with:

I do not really want to do this cycle. I am doing more to get it over with and to move us along in this process, but my heart and my hope are not in it. It angers me that I kind of feel forced into doing this. I told E that I am doing this for him, as he clearly is not ready to move on. He says he understands and that he is sorry that it has to be this way. I know he means that, but that is not really enough. I think he should be kissing my ass and pledging his unending gratitude to me for putting my body and my heart through yet another cycle, even though I am really ready to stop. Is this a fair way to think or act? No, I realize this. E is not the kiss my ass, give me the royal treatment kind of guy. I accept that, most of the time. But, this time, it is harder.

I out-ed myself to E and apologized for being a passive aggressive bitch and explained to him why I think I was doing it (not that this is an excuse, but I wanted him to know where I am coming from). I am hoping that getting it out there to him (and now to you) will help me avoid this kind of behavior, but I think it might be difficult.

I am using this week to talk myself into putting on a happy face when E’s parents get here. They, especially my MIL, cannot deal with me when I am less than happy, as they can’t seem to deal with anyone who is less than happy. I see an academy award winning acting job in my near future……

A Little Bit of This and a Little Bit of That

2010-11-11T22:09:00.003-05:00

A little bit of this and a little bit of that is the phrase that best describes my IF. I seem to have nearly everything wrong with me and yet words like mild, borderline, and grey area are used when describing these conditions. I find this beyond frustrating and wish that somebody would just find something REALLY wrong with me so that I am told what is actually going on with me and what, if anything, can be done to fix it.

Before we even started to try for a baby, genetic testing revealed that I am carrier of the fragile x mutation, but my mutation falls in the grey area. This means that the level is not normal but I am not yet at what they call the pre-mutation level where we would expect some expressed symptoms. I was incredibly mismanaged by my former ob/gyn who gave me the diagnosis (although this a story for another time), but have seen several genetic counselors who all say I should experience minimal to no impact from this. Last October, I was diagnosed with endometriosis that was on my ovaries. I have no outward symptoms of the disorder and my RE classifies the condition as mild. Who knows how this impacts my IF. My FSH is fine, but kind of high for my age. My eggs look grainy when they are studied in the lab, but my RE assures me that he does not believe the graininess is very significant (whatever the hell that means). And everything just kind of seems like this.

I have asked my RE countless times to put all these pieces together and let me know what it means that all of these subtle things are happening in one person. I get minimal response. I think he doesn’t really know to be honest.

Today, I was in to see my RE for a biopsy for my co-culture (it was at my last biopsy appointment back in February that I found out that surprise I was preggers with Baby H, so this was kind of odd and surreal for me to be back there again). When Dr. S comes in, he tells me that he got my lab work back from a few weeks back and that I tested positive for the MTHFR mutation, but quickly tells me that it looks mild and may not mean anything. Of course, I have heard of this mutation before, but asked nearly no questions. I do not know enough about the condition to ask questions yet (nor do I know what my blood work really showed). I am being referred to a hematologist to follow up and get more information. Yet another mild condition, what the hell is going on here???? How can one person have everything wrong with them and nothing wrong with them all at the same time?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!

In reality, I am glad to have another avenue to explore, although I am kind of pissed that this emerges now. I mean I have been seeing a RE for 3 years already, how come this has not come up before???? The good news is that since my transfer is not until January we have plenty of time to figure this all out, if there is actually anything to figure out, that is. Knowing me, it will brushed off as something mild, just like everything else.

In other news, I start lupron on Saturday, which means that I will spend Friday consuming wine in preparation, kind of like my own version of the last supper. Here we go….

Marathon Sunday

2010-11-07T09:26:00.005-05:00

Today is the New York City Marathon. This day always inspires me. I am not really sure why I love it so much. E and I lived on First Avenue for a bit and I was able to watch the runners out my window. It was great. I remember feeling especially impressed by the runners who take all day to finish. You see them hours after the masses have long finished their race, they are almost alone, and they know that are near last, but they are still going. I am equally impressed by the racers who are “running” in fancy racing wheel chairs and are using their arms to propel them. I cheer the loudest for them, they are more than amazing.

What makes someone be able to do something like that? It takes grit, it takes power, but more than anything it takes determination.

I was never really an athlete growing up. My dad used to remind of my uncoordinated-ness often. But, sometime in my mid 20’s I discovered my hidden athlete. I still cannot hit a baseball or have mastered the right way to throw a football, but I can run, I can cycle, and I have, in my own way, become an athlete.

In the spring of 2009, I decided that I needed a new project. We had just failed our second IVF cycle and were waiting for a grant to fund our third so we had some time off. I decided that I was going to train for a half marathon. The longest I had run at that point was about 4 miles. But, I was determined and I knew I could do it. Unfortunately, my grant came through and I started IVF #3 before the race day. But, I ran my 13.1 miles anyway. I did it by myself, which is kind of crazy, but I trained for it and I wanted to run it, race day or not. I finished in 2 hours and 12 minutes, not bad for my first time, and I ran the entire thing (which was my goal). I lost a toe nail and I my feet were totally calloused and gross looking. I could have stopped my training when my grant came through and my IVF coordinator talked to me about my projected time line, but I didn’t. I just kept on going, I was determined. The thing that I loved most about this goal was that it was about something my body COULD do when everything else seemed to focused on all the things my body couldn’t do. I could not make my body get pregnant, but I could make it run 13.1 miles and that is exactly what I did.

We no longer live on First Avenue so I cannot watch the runners out of my window today. I still will probably head over anyway to watch the runners go by. I know two people running, but feel totally inspired even watching total strangers. I told E that maybe I will train for next year’s race and perhaps I will do just that. I started thinking of things like, “well if I am not pregnant by x then I can start training”, but I stopped myself because it really doesn’t help me to think that way. At the same time, it might be nice to be working on something really important and inspiring if I am not working on growing a healthy baby. Clearly, you know what my first choice is, but you know I love my back up plans.