It's Not You, It's Me

E and I are two therapy sessions in.  I must say that I think the therapist is really good, I may not like everything that she says but I do think she does a good job of sifting through our b.s. and getting down to the point and often also the affect associated with the point.

The bulk of our sessions have focused on the ways in which we have both checked out.  E has been on the computer too much, it has been too hard to get his time and attention.  I have tried to determine if this was always there, predating IF.  But, seeing how our IF battle has now dragged on nearly 5 years, it is so hard to remember anymore and our time post-TTC by far outdates the time we spent pre.  Who knows.  It is worth seeing if it is something that might change, meaning can I get what I want here.  I have agreed to not discuss separation so much- meaning not the issues themselves more like not discussing how separation would work (even though I have known that is not wise to talk about this, I have found it kind of hard to leave it alone- Sometimes when something is in my head so much, it finds its way out of my mouth).  But, overall we have been getting along a little better, the tension seems less in our house.

So this is all fine and good, but, at the same time, appears somewhat irrelevant.  You see the truth is if this was solely about fixing our marriage, I think E and I stand a fighting chance.  I do not think we now have or ever will have the perfect relationship, but I do think there is enough good stuff there to make it work.  But, it is kind of beyond that.  The future of our relationship hangs more on the ability of me to get (or more importantly not get pregnant) than anything else.  That is the one thing that no matter how hard we (or I work) at changing, is largely out of our (my) hands.

The “I will 100% not do DE” is hard for me to understand.  There is a tiny voice in my head that keeps telling me that E will change his mind, that maybe after yet another cycle or possibly that there is something I can do or say to make him open up more.  I need to give that up, it is really hard, I do not know how to do that exactly.  It is something I will work on getting through in my own therapy.

E did shed some more light on his understanding of this issue.  He is clear that door is shut.  He is also clear that this is not an easy decision for him and that it is that causes him much psychological pain.  E says he views ending our marriage and DE as two evil choices, but that divorce somehow seems less evil because in DE he would forever be stuck with a choice that he never wanted in the first place (meaning stuck with a child that he never wanted).  He also adds (what I talked about last time)- that divorce comes with it the possibility of a shot at what he really wants, which in this case is a child of both his and his partner’s biology.  It is hard to not take that personally.  E says it’s not me though, he would feel this way no matter who is partner is.  He says that it is more about his feelings about DE than his feelings for me, the old it’s not you it’s me excuse (he did not actually say that old saying, but you see where I am coming from, right?).  I asked E what he would do if he was the one that was infertile, he says he would not have children.  Our therapist points out that his desire to have children is not as strong as mine, that at least I understand.  However, at the same time, E still says he does want children- I guess not in the same, nothing else matters more, way as I do.

It is hard to write about this stuff because I know I am not really expressing a very popular point of view.  It is hard for me to accept and understand E's stance because it stands at such opposition to how I feel.  It almost starts to sound absurd to me, like you could not possibly believe that.  But, absurd or not, it is how he feels.  It is not my job anymore to convince him otherwise.  I have gone that road one too many times, it is time for a new direction. 

So where does that leave us?  Well, there is still the option IVF #7.  We were clear in session that if we do not do #7, that means separation, and if we do #7 and it fails, that means separation.  This is not new, but it feels and sounds different when it is spelled out bluntly, in clear language, in front of somebody else (meaning the therapist).  Our therapist seems to want to be optimistic about #7, I reminded her that no RE feels that way and that when I say 15% shot I am not being dramatic- that is legitimately what it is.  E continues to feel unsure about doing #7, citing his fears that it will just be too stressful.  I do not pretend to understand that, how is any of this not stressful.   I am suspending this for now.  We will discuss it at the next session.  Once again, E continues to hold most of the power.  Again, that is what it is, unless I am ready to give up now, which I am not, then I have to accept that.  The one silver lining is that previously, I felt very attached to my frozen (but shitty) embryos.  Now, that is less so. If they do not get used I can live with that. 

So that is about my friends.  Things continue to be hard, I think they will be for a while.  I am doing surprisingly well all things considered.  I am proud of myself for the new pool of resiliency that I have tapped into.  I am reaching out more to people, turning down less invitations, and letting people love and support me more.  The good news is that given the new, not exactly clarity, but more like clarifications that therapy has provided us, this can’t go on much longer.   That might mean a few months, not a few weeks, but it still has an ending someplace.