Comments and Clarification

I have gotten a lot of comments lately, most really interesting.  Thank you so much for your support and feedback.  I just wanted to clarify one point, E is not interested in child free life.  He did mention that at one point and has said that if he himself were infertile he would chose child free.  However, now given the set of circumstances that we find ourselves in, E is saying that he wants children (albeit in a very specific way- with both parents being biological).  Since he is not infertile (we think, at least based on every test we have run to date) he has that choice.  He is also saying that he does not think our relationship makes sense child free.  I think we need to explore that a bit more fully, but at the moment that is what I know. 

I have gotten a few comments about who loves who more (me or E) and who is leaving who –My thoughts on this are interesting. Sometimes I want to be left, maybe because if that happens I get to try on the victim role for a while and can blame someone else or rightfully carry around a pool full of anger.  Other times I want to do the leaving, hating the feeling of powerlessness that goes along with being acted on rather doing the action yourself.  But in the end, maybe that part does not really matter.  We would be leaving each other, there are parts of this that are mutual, we both share responsibility/ play a part in this.  I know that.  I am not blameless- I am not sure it makes sense to play that blame game anyway.  (Please note, that when I say I am not blameless I do not mean about my IF.  That is not my fault.  It just is something that happened in my body, by age 31 I could not have kids.  Nobody could have ever predicted that.  I am referred more to the crumbling of my marriage, there are two us of in that dance, I am not innocent). 

I wanted to tell you that I have changed my settings to not allow anonymous comments.  I hesitate in doing so and may change my mind given that some of the most meaningful comments I have recently received where from anonymous posters. But, over the years that this blog has been running, anonymous posters have said some mean things- much meaner than some of the comments left recently (I have received anit Semitic comments, been told I am a sinner for my choice of a D&E, been told I am ready to be a mother)- and I think I just wanted off that crazy ride.

I hope you all continue to follow along and I welcome your opinions, even ones that are unpopular or are divergent from my own.  I hope that makes sense and that I did not offend anyone.  I just think sometimes we need to think before we 'speak' and/or make sure we understand that which we are commenting on.  


Interestingly, I just met with a patient of mine.   One of the things I told him is that life is more complicated than any of us would like to admit.  I think that if we had to face just how complex it really is on a daily basis, we would all probably have crippling amounts of anxiety.   To me, it seems that we all want to live in a world where there is black and white, right and wrong- that would certainly make our lives so much easier.  Learning how to navigate in this gray-ness has made me a smarter, more compassionate, more adaptable person.  Maybe my kid is lucky that they will come into my life after all of this has already happened, I will have a lot of really important life lessons to teach