checking in

Well, there is not much going on.  Is that good or bad?  I made it through the holidays, which I think is good.  Sadly, having too much time off with E was making me anxious- I am not even going to read into that any further.  It was wonderful to be with my BFF, I miss her so much.  We were able to eek out one day alone together before the rest of our girls joined us.  I cried a lot at a table, at what turned out to be a 2 plus hour lunch.  I needed that, good thing I do not care about crying in public anymore.  She pointed out some interesting things to me, helping me see that E is not the only one who gets to decide to stay or go (the way I have been approaching things).  I feel like I have more agency now, I am not sure what that means.

NYE was nice actually.  I had many, many, many drinks.   It was E’s birthday and I assumed it made sense to try to have to sex with him and act like a more normal married couple (before we went out for the night’s festivities).  Sadly, I found myself doing a shot of vodka in the kitchen before staging my seduction scene in the bedroom.  I needed the liquid courage- again, not even going to read into that, we all know the meaning of these kinds of things.  E and I, in the end, had a nice night.  In fact, if you saw us you would never imagine what was going on behind the scenes.  It is confusing to enjoy his company sometimes, I wish that never happened anymore, it would make deciding easier.

Today, we are meeting with a new couples therapist after nixing couples therapist #1.  Actually, we are meeting with E’s therapist, with whom I have historically had major reservations about.  For you therapists out there, I am making E terminate his individual work with her so we can see her together, not ideal I know.  I also know it is not ideal to meet with someone who I have mixed feelings about, but the truth is trying to find someone is hard, with 2 busy schedules and other factors, this is easy and I am too exhausted to not take the easy way out.  It is what it is, I am cutting myself a break.  Like most couples, I think we are entering couples therapy too late, meaning when we are likely beyond the point of no return or close to it.  I guess for me the goals will be to discuss the options of cycle 7 (which smart or not I still want to do, mostly to not leave any stones unturned) and/ or to help us separate in a calm way that does not involve us trying to rip each other’s heads off (note, I cannot imagine it getting to that point, there is no fighting now just quiet- scary, uncomfortable,   quiet).  If you are wondering why I have dropped the DE/ adoption goals, well... E has told me the door is 100% closed on that and he also mentions things like wanting to leave so he can start over (meaning with a more fertile woman).  I feel furious about those statements but also know that they are not so far off from me saying I would rather be a mother than a wife.  

Believe it or not, I am mostly fine.  I stopped crying somewhere along the line. I am sure that will pick up again soon, but right now no tears are falling.  I feel numb and disconnected.  I had been trying so hard to work through things with E out of sheer desperation, but now I don’t.  I just kind of let it be.  Sometimes that means we interact little, sometimes we kind of act normal.    I have been obsessively checking apt rental listings to see what is available these days, I am worried where I will go after.   Money issues are constantly on my mind, I have no idea how to make that work exactly. 

I have been trying to read along with your stories, some days that is easier than others.  I wish that was not so, but in the spirit of honesty I need to call myself out on being a bad bloggy friend.  You are in my thoughts and I thank you for your support especially as this blogs turns more into one about marriage/ divorce instead of IF.  Much love to you all in 2012.

P.S. Did I mention that I would like to skip 2012 and just hop right into 2013, where I imagine things to be at least somewhat more calm.