I’m scared
I am scared that NYE is E’s birthday and that I may start crying at the stroke of midnight
I am scared of E leaving me and me having to do this alone
I am scared of staying together for the wrong reasons
I am scared that no man is ever going to love me as much as my father does
I am scared that I turn 37 this year and will be even further away from being a mother
I am scare of feeling lonely
I am scared that my child will one day hate me if I bring them into this world as a single parent
I am scared of the word divorce
I am scared that E will leave me for a more fertile woman
I am scared that we have done irreparable damage to our marriage
I am scared of living child free for the wrong reasons
I am scared that E won’t give child free a chance anymore
I am scared that my parents will resent me for the choices I make in my life
I am scared to be going through this while my best friend lives on the side of the world
I am scared that my patients will notice if I stop wearing my wedding band/ engagement ring
I am scared that I may never feel love again
I am scared of so many things
My therapist recently told me that she will stand me no matter what choices I make moving forward- but that I should not make decisions based in fear. I am trying hard to do that. I am really scared.
Holding you with love. I wish I had more than that to give you.
ReplyDeleteThere aren't any words I can say that might be remotely helpful. I won't try. But I am so sorry for these dark days.
ReplyDeleteYou have every right to be scared. All that stuff is really scary. (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for all the fear. I wish I had something more to offer than internet hugs.
ReplyDeleteI hate reading this. I hate that you're hurting so deeply and so bad. But I also love that you're willing to share it. I'm thinking of you so often and wishing I had the right words.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for this fear. Might I suggest a good read- the Happiness Project. It's all about finding happiness within. I think that making decisions that involve others are easier once we are confident about who we are. Infertility, sadly, strips this confidence away. Hoping you will find peace in the new year.
ReplyDeleteThis is scary stuff. Fear has ruled many decisions in my life as well, and it's hard (impossible?) to set it aside and recognize the true underlying feelings. Hugs as you continue to work through this.
ReplyDeleteI have no reassuring words of advice here. Just know that even though we never met, I care about you. And I wish you find some peace and happiness soon. I hate that you are afraid, but I can't blame you for being so.
ReplyDelete<3
I am pm-ing you my response. Love to you.
ReplyDeleteI can't think of much to say except, this too shall pass. You will somehow find strength and will come out of this a stronger, better person. I know these words might not help you now, but maybe when you look back you may see the truth in them.
ReplyDeleteSending you Hugs! Not sure what else I can do...
ReplyDeleteLong time lurker and am affected deeply by your blog.......you are so strong & brave while in the midst of one of life's most painful crises, I am de-lurking to offer this advice which I truly believe and which has gotten me to act not out of fear in the most scary of times......remember that what you fear is what you subconciously draw near to you and if you can fight the fear you can push away the outcome of this challenging situation that you do not wish to happen. Try to accept that you are still in control of your life and yourself no matter how it may seem at this moment.....trust yourself and take care of yourself, in the end, this is YOUR Life. Wishing you peace and fulfillment in the coming days, weeks, months and year. xxoo
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like to me you need to remember that YOU get to make the choices here. And YOU have more power than you can remember at times. However, I am not saying your choices are easy ones. But that's probably why you are so scared. There's no easy, safe, happy answer. Either way you choose to go, there are risks. And not little risks, but big heavy-hearted risks. So the fear makes sense. It's stepping into the unknown either way- but please my dear, remember you DO have choices. Even when it doesn't feel that way. You are strong, and this sucks, but I know you will make it. I just wish it was easier in the meantime.
ReplyDeleteDoes E know that his marriage is on the line, as he continues to pull away possible options from you? I can't help but feel he doesn't have as much respect for the marriage as you do, as he completely unwilling to compromise and that just doesn't feel fair from my point of view.
I would be afraid, too, of everything you mentioned. I hope that writing these fears down helps you to confront them and make the right decisions for your--I guess not happiness, but for your future contentment. I want a life filled with everything good for you, but at the very least, a life without regret or self-recrimination.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and warm thoughts in this cold, dark time.
I wish I could reach out and hug you right now. Hoping that with each passing day, you come closer to clarity....whatever that may be.
ReplyDeleteI hoping that naming your fears helps. You do have control of your decisions, despite how scary they may be. Thinking of you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. There are no words I can say that will help, I know. :-(
ReplyDeleteJust wish I could give you a big hug - hugs don't solve any problems but they help you know that you are not alone. You are surrounded by many who love and care about you.
ReplyDeleteI think it's ok to cry at midnight and to be afraid. You are human and E should be fully aware of your emotions and fears.
Our arms are wrapped around you!
:( I don't know the future, but I do know one thing for sure, your child would not hate you for bringing it into a one parent household. Children just need love and care and anything beyond that is just a bonus. I don't resent my parents for getting divorced when I was four, actually it was probably the best things they could have done for us. And my mom was an amazing single mom. My childhood was awesome. I'm sorry you are feeling so scared. Which I know is just a natural feeling. Sending you a big hug xo
ReplyDeleteI am scared for you too, but I also know you will be able to handle whatever the future holds.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry for all your sadness. I hope writing everything down helps to bring you some clarity in the new year to come. As I go through my journey, I have had the same thoughts as you have. But like most commenters already said, YOU ARE IN CONTROL, and although the choices may not be easy, you alone have to make them. Also know that your future child will love you no matter what.
ReplyDeleteGood luck to you
I am sorry that you are in this position.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you are hurting and feeling so sad...wishing you peace.
ReplyDeletePerhaps consider using a Gestational Carrier for your remaining frozen embryos.
Praying for peace for you. Your honesty is so refreshing, and I know that this is no consolation, but I hope that 2012 brings some peace and resolution for you.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you C and sending hugs.
ReplyDeletethat is a really tough place to be in - especially at christmas.
ReplyDeletetake care
Well it all sounds very scary, so much going on there. Love to you, I have no answers or magic words, but wish the best and that this all pans out at smoothly as it can/will
ReplyDeleteI have no useful words but am sending you love.
ReplyDeleteIt is scary. Big decisions are scary because they affect us so much, both present and future.
ReplyDeleteMake decisions despite the fear, not because of it.
xoxo
I don't know much, but I know fear. And it is a terrible, horrible paralysis, as you aptly describe here. Oh, dearest friend, I hold you in my heart with much love. One moment at a time. You will survive this horrible time. You will.
ReplyDeleteThere is so much in here and I know there are no words of comfort. You are not alone in this no matter how it feels right now. I am wishing you some much needed light during this dark time. We are out here for you and here to help.
ReplyDeleteThere is a lot I can say right now but my first thought (and it's not going to sell any Hallmark cards) is I seriously want to punch someone on your behalf. Yes. I get so protective and pissed off for you that my first inclination is to resort to total violence! You know how I feel about you and you know I only want the BEST for you... so that's what I hope for. I don't know what it's going to look like but as long as it's the BEST... I'll be happy. Until then, I remain pissed off and violent on your behalf.
ReplyDeleteLifting you up in prayer sweet friend. May you find comfort and some peace in the decisions you make. BIG BIG ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteI'm scared for you too. But I'm still here holding your hand from afar. I like what your therapist said... Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you'll make a fear-based decision, but I do think that it's a good idea to acknowledge these fears. I wish I could say something helpful, besides to just acknowledge how shitty your situation is.
ReplyDelete<3 Sending love and hugs <3 I don't know what to say, because it's so hard...but I am praying for you and thinking of you often.
ReplyDeleteI am just so so sorry, C. I have been following you for almost two years and it just breaks my heart to see you in this place. I'm praying for you...praying oh so hard for some sort of miracle in this crappity crap situation.
ReplyDeleteI wonder what he would say if you asked him to get a vasectomy, because that is basically what he's asking you to do? Not have children-- ever. I would just be curious to see his reaction and maybe it would answer some questions for you?
ReplyDeleteWishing you a year of peace and resolution. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteAnother warm hug with fervent wishes for great things in 2012.
ReplyDeleteAs I was going down your list, I recognized it as pretty much my own fears, with barely a few differences. I'll be crossing my fingers for you and hoping that, whatever 2012 throws at you, you will end the year without feeling like this again.
ReplyDeleteThis post really moved me - I am so sorry you have to live these fears every day. It's not right.
ReplyDeleteI am sending as many positive vibes your way as possible, and fervently praying that 2012 is a better year. It has to be. You're going to find your way out of this situation, it's just a matter of time.
Until then, hang in there!
thinking of you and sending you hugs...
ReplyDeletexoxo
Oh C. I'm thinking of you too. Life with all its twists and turns is a complete asshole sometimes. I hope you find some peace and like your BFF said, find a happier place soon. The emotions that go along with everything you are working through is simply exhausting, be as kind as you can to yourself, we here in bloggy world adore you. xx
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