Emotional Purgatory

I have been struggling with my blog lately and feel unsure about what I have to say.  I have been having some trouble with other blogs too, both with reading and commenting (although I do read more than I comment).  Please know that even when you do not hear from me, you remain in my thoughts all the time.

My standstill with E still persists.  Because of this I feel as if I am slowly losing my mind or something like that.  It is hard, really hard.  Just to give you an explanation of what I am dealing with, this is essentially the way it goes:  I usually bring up the topic, E lets me know he is still against DE (we are talking DE at this point b/c I feel like if there is little chance he would ever do DE, there is virtually no chance that he would ever want to adopt).   Because of the utter feelings of desperation when I hear this news, I start to ask inane questions like “is there any chance you might change your mind, what percentage of chance is there?”  Yes, I ask for an actual quantity.  Why?  I don’t know, I feel desperation, when you are desperate you do some not so logical things.  E tells me that the chance he will ever change his mind is slim (like really slim, like 1% slim- yes, I made that stat up myself but I think I am pretty on target, E has confirmed that this about right).  He says he is not ready to say that this is his final answer yet, but right now nothing has changed.  In reality, nothing has changed in 2 years when we first started to talk about this.  I sometimes ask him why he is still here, why he has not just left me already.  He tells me that he hasn’t left because he loves me.  Cue tears.  Emotional purgatory.

I ask E for explanations as to why DE is so not ok with him.  He answers that question, but even when I try to recreate his answers, I still feel unclear.  He says things like DE feels like he is having a baby with a stranger, that he thinks he will conjure thoughts of this donor every time he looks at his child, that he will resent me forever for making him do something he really doesn’t want to do. 

Things are really hard.  All roads somehow lead back to this issue.  Do I resign my office lease?  Well, what if I need to leave my job for a position with better hours and benefits like health insurance when/if I become a single mother.  Do we take a vacation?  Well, says E, we need to figure this out first so we don’t spend the entire time talking about this issue.  Do we book tickets to visit E’s family in FL?  Well, what if we book tickets and then are not even together at that point.  I imagine I do not have to tell you how hard living like this is.  It is hell, pure hell.

I have several calls to couples therapist.  I found one yesterday who I think I loved and we are trying to get in to see her next week.  She is an IF expert.  I need her to save us.

The other day, I told E that I am NOT divorcing him (or allowing him to divorce me) and I am not living child free.  That means he has no choice but to do this.  I said to him that he needs to act like a used car sales man “how do I get you in this car” with himself- “how do I get myself comfortable with DE”.  Historically, I think he has been working on validating why it is ok not to want to do it.  Of course it is ‘ok’ not to do DE, but not if you want to stay married.  Get yourself in that car, E, you have no choice.  As I said before, desperation makes you do crazy things.

So that is it for now, I have more to say but feel kind of tapped out.  Thank you for being so understanding about me going MIA from time to time.  I am always holding out hope for those of you still in the trenches and sending everyone much love.