Thursday, December 22, 2011

85%

It is hard to know what to say these days. 

E and I had our couples therapy appointment.  It was fine, but not great.  I have other referral.  I need to get on that.  Unfortunately, E is being very clear with me about DE right now.  The chance is now zero, we are going in the wrong direction- further apart instead of closer together.  IVF 7 is still up in the air, the complication is that I have frozen embryos. They are in fact shitty embryos but embryos exist none the less.  It is hard to think of leaving those.  There is little chance that they will become babies but they are still embryos and not eggs.  I feel strongly that it is a cycle I want to do, E is less sure- for reasons that are plentiful and I will not go into here.  But, it boils down to this, my new RE gives the cycle about a 15% success rate- so if I flip that around, there is an 85% chance that I am getting a divorce after #7, but if we do not do the cycle that chance is closer to 100%

I was talking to friend the other night.  She knows roughly what is going on and asked how I am.  I initially told her that I did not want to talk about it and then proceeded to ramble on to her about it for an hour.  I needed that, it felt better to get it out.  She said something interesting.  That she wishes a happier place for me by the end of 2012, knowing that the beginning will surely suck.  I am trying to wish that for myself.

My next week is really busy and I am hoping restorative.  My BFF (who moved in late May) is coming in for a few days.  I desperately need to see her.  I fear that I will collapse into a puddle of tears upon seeing her, but need to feel her love, strength, and wisdom for a bit.  I also have another friend visiting later on in the week- she has become a life-line for me these past few months and someone I feel I can just really be open and honest with.  I have great ideas to plan a fantastic NYC adventure for her, but really just want to lay on the couch with a big bottle of wine, somehow I think she will not object. 

NYE is E’s birthday, I fear it might be the last we spend together.  It is hard to know how to feel about that. 

To all of you….. I wish you all love and peace this holiday season.  My hope is for un-stuck-ness in 2012 for us all. 

P.S.  If you have make up tips, I am taking them- the red blotchy look combined with dark circles is less then pretty  
Posted by at 8:07 AM

31 comments:

  1. Oh my friend my heart is breaking. I do have to say, when you mentioned your frosties I had hope! I have seen more times than I can count 'poor' embryos become babies! I have a hard time focusing on the quality. If they exist there is still a chance! I do NOT want to see you divorced bc I hear you not wanting that to happen. I say try it! If there is a better chance of staying together by doing so than that is icing on the cake.
    I love that your friends are circling around you. If/when you become a puddle with your BFF, that is okay. You need to break down and let someone pick you up. You have been hanging on with such strength it becomes exhausting-that I do know.
    My thoughts are with you often and I pray for a happy ending for you!!! Xoxoxoxo

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  2. I hope this isn't completley rude but it bothers me that E won't at least keep DE on the table (so to speak). I'm not saying he has to suddenly want to do it. I just think for the sake of your marriage, out of respect for each other, all options should be available to you both until you get things figured out. You yourself have not completely ruled out trying anything and well, I just think you can't compromise or meet in the middle if the other person isn't willing to compromise or meet you in the middle as well. Regardless, there are times when we don't enjoy our lives as much as we simply endure them... and that definitely seems to be the case now for you which makes me truly pissed off at the universe on your behalf. If there were a complaint department, I'd be in line now and say, "Seriously - leave my friend the f*ck alone. Enough." Unfortunately, I can't do that so I'll just say this: I love you and even though I'm pregnant (which I SOOOO understand is not what you want to deal with right now), I'm here 24/7 via text, email, phone or if you want to get together in person should you need anything at all. We don't even have to aknowledge my pregnancy one bit as my main focus is you. Why? Because I swear to god - you're f*cking awesome, you don't need this sh*t and you are someone who deserves all the love, support and happiness in the world.

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  3. My dear friend this life is ao cruel right now for you and my heart is in pieces for you. I wish there was something i could say or do...please know that you are always in my thoughts. I so hope the endbof 2012 is much much better than how te beginning will start out.

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  4. I wish for a happier place for you too :) xo

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  5. Ugh....not the direction I had hoped you both would move, try another therapist. I hope you give the frosties a chance, cause you never know, there could be a baby among them. Glad you are going to see some good friends, may 2012 be a better happier year for you.

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  6. I, too, wish for you a better year in 2012. It breaks my heart to hear how sad you are, and I wish that there was something I could do except rail at the unfairness of it all.
    Re: blotchiness, I just bought some coverup and powder foundation stuff from Laura Geller (Lex and 75th); I got sucked into making a purchase after getting my eyebrows done there. And incidentally, Luba, the eyebrow lady, is a wizard! Treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it.

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  7. I'm so glad you have dear friends who support you in the way you need to be supported and whom you are excited to see and spent time with in the days ahead. May your time with them and a new, better-for-you couples' therapist help you to find and choose the path that frees you to have what *you* need. Because that is all that matters. Sending love, hope, and gratitude that the turning of the calendar pages can signal a new beginning, if one that will be difficult at the outset.

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  8. I like to read that you and your BFF and your other beloved friend will be spending time together. It's my sense that you might need your women friends to be very close right now and I am glad that the Holidays means that your BFF is coming back to town. It sounds like things are so tough with E right now. I like the thought of you ending 2012 in a much, much better place than where you are now, no matter what next steps you decide to take. No matter what those steps are, please know that we (that I for sure) will be here to support you.
    I hope that your Holidays will be calm, that there will be time with friends and good wine, and that some semblance of clarity will be reached for both you and E.
    I keep you in my thoughts each day. Take impeccable care of your beautiful self, dear CGD.

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  9. I just want you to know that I am holding you in my heart right now, through this difficult time. And I agree with everyone else in hoping that no matter how hard the beginning of 2012 is, the end of next year sees you in a better place.

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  10. Stay calm and carry on. You will get to where you need to be. It may not be the path you expected but you will get there. Hang in there. I'm here for you.

    Make up check out the Clinique counter. Its the best.

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  11. C, I'm so sorry. I hope getting to spend some time your friends will bring you some comfort during a very difficult time.

    Thinking of you.

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  12. Those percentages are breaking my heart. I hate this for you.

    Wishing you love and peace as well...

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  13. I so hope by the end of 2012 things are better. I'm so sorry you are at this stand off and it is not looking good. You are an amazing woman and when you are on the other side it will be ok, it's just going to suck getting there.

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  14. That's my wish for 2012-- that it brings you happiness and joy you can't even imagine right now. I'm giving you my wishes and asking the universe to please, please, please turn things around for you. You don't deserve any more sadness. You have paid your share and then some.

    I hope these dear friends can help lighten your heart just a little this time of year, or even just soften the hurt.

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  15. There really is no silver lining here, unless it is that you CAN and WILL make your dreams happen, so long as you don't give up. You can't control E. (though god knows I've tried to control mine often enough) -- all you can do is keep trying and do your best. If he quits on you, then that's on him. You want children -- and so, in some way, you will have them. Of that I am sure. Whichever way that happens, you will be fulfilled by that, I promise. I would like for E. to hang around to see that, but if he doesn't then you are better off. There are lots of times when I even think that being a single parent has its perks (no negotiating / compromising on how the kidlet is raised, for one). I guess what I am saying is that I want what we all want for you -- happiness -- regardless of whether or not that involves E.

    Much love,
    Jo

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  16. This brings tears to me eyes, really C. I am so sorry, life is so fucking unfair. I know, I know, I am not saying anything you don't know but I am just so sad for you, which is very distinct from feeling sorry for you.
    I am glad you have strong women in your life that you will be able to connect with and rely on. Enjoy your connection even if it is on the couch with a huge bottle of wine which does sound pretty great.
    The decision you are faced with is an impossible one but I know you will find the right path. I feel angry with E, it's probably unfair but what about compromise? Does he realize the finality of his decision?
    Please, try to be good to yourself. You are worth it, you are strong and amazing.
    I am thinking of you and sending you loads of peace and love.

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  17. I wish you weren't going through this nightmare. I also wish your husband was more compromising on treatment options. Thank God your BFF is coming in for a nice distraction and some compassion. Here is to 2012, I hope you get OUT of this IF/marriage purgatory!

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  18. How awful! I worry that having or not having a baby with IVF7 is the determining factor for the success of your marriage. Having a baby would be an amazing victory but it may not solve any underlying issues that you have with your hubby. This is a hard crossroads for you in your life and no one can provide the right answers but you. Stay strong! and follow your heart. You are a good person and I wish you lots of love and happiness in 2012!

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  19. Thinking and praying for you! What a tough place to be in and infertility is so f***ing cruel with what it does to relationships. I hope the time with your bff is just what you need.

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  20. My heart aches for you. I hope you have a restorative time with your BFF. Thinking of you.

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  21. My heart hurts for you C. Wishing you peace and progress in 2012.

    As to the dark circles, Erase Paste by benefit works wonders.

    Hugs.

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  22. Sending you lots of peaceful thoughts and positive energy to carry you through this difficult time. You WILL make it through this dark time and find light at the start of the beginning of a new life (which can and will happen).

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  23. I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping along with so many that next year brings you something much better. My heart hurts for you that you are stuck in such a hard place with no easy answers. I wish so much there was something I could do. If I ever manage to hunt down that evil, elusive baby fairy I will keep her locked up in the basement until you get your happy ending. Barring that I can offer you a virtual shoulder. I wish I could do more.

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  24. Oh, C. This is so tough. On the practical side, I want to say why not cycle again - the frozens aren't going anywhere...it will buy you time to see if E can come around and let you have that 15% chance without giving up anything in the meantime. And if he can't come around, then let you have time to process that and be ready to take the next steps for yourself with or without him. On the emotional side....ugh...my heart just goes out to you. I too with you a 2012 that is far better than 2011 has been. I am so glad to hear that it sounds like you have some folks in town who are good friends and firmly in your corner. Lean on them. And I'd love to meet up again - maybe for a meal this time? - if you'd be up for it over the holidays. Thinking of you.

    Mo

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  25. On the one hand, I'm happy that you're so clear-eyed and reflective about your situation. On the other, this thing that you're looking at reflecting on is TERRIBLE. Here's wishing you SOME kind of positive breakthrough soon.

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  26. ((hugs)) I am praying for you xoxo

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  28. I am so happy that your bestie is coming to visit! I am so sorry that you are going through this and I also wish that you find happiness by the end of 2012.

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  29. I have so much empathy for you and what you are feeling. I have also seen a therapist who specializes in infertility who was recommended by my RE. Both my RE and his IVF nurse have "walked the walk" and both been infertility patients themselves, so they "get it".....however I didn't really feel like the therapist truly understood how I felt as an infertile single Intended Parent. I loathe and despise that phrase "Don't let your infertility define you." When of course it defines every aspect of life.

    I hope that you and your husband can find the strength to mend your marriage. It IS hard, infertility is so draining emotionally, physically and financially. But it isn't any easier as a single person and I would give anything if any one of my relationships had been strong enough to endure the misery I have been through in my battle against endometriosis and infertility.

    Have you ever considered using a Gestational Carrier for your remaining frozen embroyos?
    I will be doing a fresh IVF cycle and using a Gestational Carrier.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best in the new year to come.

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  30. I think of you often and hope that you can find some resolution to this. I like the 85% chance better than 100%... But I agree with your friend. I so hope for you to find a place of peace in 2012... Glad you are going to see your BFF. I remember sad you were when she moved away... Wishing you a totally un-stuck 2012 and peace. Big hugs.

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