Standstill

I have tried to blog a lot lately, but I just don’t know what to say.  So rather than getting all poetic and insightful, I will just tell you the facts.

There is nothing much new going on here.  E and I remain at a standstill.  I believe this might be slowly killing me or at least slowly killing our marriage.  IF is hard on relationships.  Anyone who says otherwise is lying, I promise.  But, having been down this road for more years than I care to count, I can say with confidence, that what is happening to E and I as a couple now is not really just about IF- it is more about what happens to a relationship when you want different things than your partner.   It sucks, in every possible way.  I feel every emotion all at once – mostly negative emotions- angry, sad, scared, resentful, hopeless, defeated, lonely- I could go on but you get the point. 

E and I have made no decisions.  There are no changes in our stances.  I want a baby by whatever means possible, E only wants a baby of our biology- There is no real compromise, not in this case. 

E recently raised the issue of IVF #7 (which I am affectionately going to just call #7).  He is not sure he even wants to do it.  Low odds and all, we both see no real point and would be doing it just to do it.  E also is afraid that waiting for those beta results would be like a death row inmate waiting for a stay of execution- you hold out to the last possible second hoping for some miracle that does not send our marriage to lethal injection.  He is afraid we would never get through that cycle if we knew the call after the BFN report would be to the divorce lawyer.  He is not wrong, but when you have no other viable options, maybe you just do it anyway and go for broke.

My in laws are in town. They got in late last week and will be here through next Monday.  I have lost to say about that but no energy to do so.  It is mostly fine.  I got bigger things to worry about.

There is a lot of craziness in my head right now.  Every time I try to put it on paper, it just comes out wrong- I am not even going to try right now.  Let’s just say, I am as good as could be expected given the state of affairs- but that I am far from good.  I have been through a lot in the last 5 years, more than my share, but this my friends feels like the hardest part.  My dream of babies has always felt very hypothetical since I am not yet a mother.  I know I want to be a mother, I feel it in my bones, but I can’t always picture it, having not yet had that experience.  Even with Baby H, he was real, I know that, but he was also never born.  I never got to mother him in the traditional way- no diapers were changed, no bed stories read or baths given.  It was all hypothetical somehow.  But E is real.  I have been married to him for over 6 years, we have been together for nearly 9- I know what I would be losing, it is NOT hypothetical or imagined, this is a real, tangible loss.  This is the worst part and just makes all those losses that have come before (countless BFN’s and baby H) that much worse.