One Foot In, One Foot Out

One foot in, one foot out- this is the story of my current life.  Very strange things start to happen when you begin to toss the word divorce around (Just to clarify as I am getting a lot of confusing comments, divorce is a discussion point b/c E and I cannot figure out how to move forward in our quest to build a family, E does not want to do adoption and DE and I am unlikely to be able to have bio child.  Child free does not feel like an option for me, it would be for E)

E and I are in a bit of an emotional standstill.  Nothing is changing, not even by an inch.  The feeling of desperation that creeps up on me is palpable.  I feel it in my bones, it steals my breath away.  I have begun to tell people about this for reasons that seem unclear to me.  I told my mother, father, and my aunt (my father’s sister who I am very close to).  I initially thought that I was doing so for support, but I think in reality I am preparing.  Preparing them, preparing me- preparing all around.  I had thought they would freak out.  None of them did.  They all love E (especially my aunt as E has a uniquely close relationship with my uncle, her husband), but they also love me and they understand. Nobody told me that I was crazy or not to do this.  My dad summed it up best when he told me that they will support me in every way that they can- mentioning emotional, financial, and physical support in the form of childcare.  My mother even offered to have me move back to their house if need be.  They are truly great.  I am not there yet.

At the same time that this is going on, I remain married to E.  Our marriage has suffered great damage over the past few weeks/ months, as you can imagine, and it needs working on.  I would not say that our issues are beyond repair, in fact quite the opposite, I think we have a good shot at fixing things- But it is hard to want to do that when you are not sure what is going to happen next.  Why fix a marriage that is going to end soon?  It is hard to motivate myself with my ‘why bother’ attitude.  This is something I need to change and is not ok as it appears to be the fastest way to the divorce lawyer’s office.

Many things appear on the not too distant horizon.  E’s parents are coming for week around thanks giving.  E has promised to fill them in before they arrive, I am not sure how one talks about a serious issue such as those facing E and I now to people who lives on Poly Anna Planet- better him than me.  We have a cycle mostly covered by insurance to get through.  E and I want to plan a vacation (I nicknamed this the last honeymoon for obvious reasons- it is hard to get too excited about a trip that could end up being the last we take together).  I want to do none of this- The longer I drag my feet, the longer I can pretend that none of this is happening.

My task right now is to focus on the now.  I am married.  I am not cycling yet.  There are no decisions made.  I need to remind myself of this 700 times a day if needed, I cannot keep going as I have been- half in/half out.

Side note:  E’s mother is a FB abuser, meaning she posts and comments about everything, as I imagine a 16 year old girl might do- keep in mind my MIL is 60.  She often posts pictures of children (her neighbors, her friend’s grandkids, etc.).  Now, I have done this too, but when I do I am sure to write a caption that explicitly says who this child is (i.e “my adorable niece M”).  My MIL does not do this.  Yesterday the comment I was dreading came.  My MIL posted a pic of a 2 year old girl, then somebody else wrote this comment “is that your granddaughter?”  I wanted to hop on FB and respond with “no, this is not her granddaughter b/c her son married an infertile woman and she may never be a grandmother” but I restrained myself.  Instead, E told his mother that posting pics like that is like a ‘slap in our faces’.  The pic has been taken down.  E vs. MIL- winner is E! (and me too)