To Fast or Not to Fast: A Yom Kippur Question

Today starts the Jewish holiday of Yom Kippur.  It is a fast day and is considered to be the holiest day of the year.  Symbolically, Jews fast on Yom Kippur as a way to atone for the sins that have occurred in the past year.  It is a holiday that comes on the heels of the Jewish New Year (Rosh Hashanah) and is in a sense a time of reflection and renewal.

I am not a very religious person.  I am the go to temple a handful of times a year kind of girl.  But, Judaism is a big part of who I am, perhaps more as a culture than a religion.  Either way, it is something I identify with.  About 2 years ago, I decided to not go to temple on the high holidays (Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur), something I had never done before.  I just could not imagine myself sitting in a temple around all these families and children (and likely pregnant women) and giving thanks to God for all his blessings.  I wrote this post about it, it is one of my very first blog posts.  And while it didn’t feel quite right to not be in temple, it felt even less right to go.  I have not been back since.  This will be the third holiday season to pass this way.  I still see my family and do the big family dinners, but that’s about it.

So yesterday, I was sitting at my office kind of thinking through the plan for this Yom Kippur when it dawned on me, why am I fasting?  My first thought was true to my snarky, infertile form “after what I’ve been through I think someone should be atoning to me, not the other way around”.  But then I thought more about it.  Do I really not have things to atone for or more simply things I am sorry for that have occurred over the past year?  While I have certainly not murdered somebody or committed some other horribly, obvious sin, I do know I have done more subtle things like gossip, lie, or hurt someone’s feelings.  Who can say they did none of those things in the course of a year.  And while I would not really call those behaviors sinful, I also would not exactly put them in the “good girl” column either.  To fast or not???  I honestly could not come up with an answer that felt right.

This morning as we were leaving for work, E inquired about dinner (we kind of stuff our faces before the fast because somehow we think that we keep us satisfied for 25 hours, it never works) and I told him that I may not fast this year.  He looked at me kind of funny and when I explained why, he just kind of said “well, that’s one of looking at it”.  Read as “I am not arguing about this with your irrational, infertile self so do whatever the hell you want.” 

This journey is challenging in so many ways.  I often wonder how truly religious people make it through.  After all, my faith is clearly shaken and I’m not even so faithful to begin with.  But, IF has led me to question nearly every aspect of my life, my belief in God is clearly one of them.  I find myself a Jewish Atheist, which is a term that kind of makes no sense but is how I feel.  I identify as Jewish, but not so sure about believing in the whole God thing.

My patient A, who I have talked about several times and who is at this point still battling her illness to her medical teams’ surprise, once told me that she had a priest come to her so she could make confession.  She told me that she is not sure that she believes in that stuff but figured it could not hurt to cover her bases.  Yea, I get that.  Covering those bases is not always such a bad thing.

I have less than 12 hours to make a decision.  Should I want to honor this holiday with a fast, I need to stop eating around 6:30 tonight and then not eat or drink until 7:30PM tomorrow (Saturday).  Part of me wants to just go to the gym after work and order in as if it is any other Friday, but the other Jewish-guilt part of me is weighing heavy. 

I am the Jewish, infertile Goldilocks- nothing is “just right” at this point.  I get that, I have long ago given up on finding just right.  Now, just trying to figure out what is right enough….