Saturday Night Surprise

If you have been following along for a while, you will remember the endless countdown to my BFF’s leaving NYC and moving away from me in May of this year.  Since that time, I have seen her only one time.  Her glamorous job is just as expected and I find her hard to reach/ track down as I never seem to know what continent she happens to be on and what she is doing exactly. 

In my typical fashion, I have felt distant and closed off from her.  She used to know the day to day stuff- even the ins and outs of my cycles, checking in after every silly monitoring appointment, including the eventful ones.  Now, things are clearly different.  When I am asked “what’s going on?” I am torn between wanting to spill everything and wanting to say nothing.  I have not found the balance yet.

So this Saturday, I was in NJ spending the afternoon with my mother.  I had coordinated during the day with E about movie tickets for later that night.  I raced home that night, thinking I had very little time to shove food in mouth and run back out the door.  Except, when I walked into my living room there was my BFF sitting on my couch drinking a glass of wine.  What a great surprise!!!

I knew she was likely due into NYC for work this coming week, but she schemed with E behind my back to surprise me on Saturday.  As I told her many times, all is right in the world when she is back in NYC.

So where I am going with this… Some time on Saturday night after dinner was over and BFF’s fancy boss needed her back at the hotel (I promise I still do not really understand this job of hers), I realized that I was still smiling.  It was as if I actually noticed the sensations of feeling happy, like the presence of happiness made me realize how absent that feeling has been in my life recently.  Now, it’s not that I think I have been that sad or depressed, but more that I just not really been happy.  God, I miss that feeling. 


My BFF is still in NYC, but I am not sure how much I will get to see her.  I will spend as much time as I can with her, but will admit here that part of me just wants to crawl back in my little shell, fearing how sad I will feel when she leaves again.  Like I said before, balance is hard to find....