The D Word

The D word, Divorce.  It is a word that is now uttered in my house a little too often.  Mostly, this is occurring in the form of jokey statements that both E and I are making to each other, referencing when we are back in the dating world again and the like.  Sometimes we laugh at this, but we both know it is not really funny.  As in most things, there is a fine line between laughing and crying and I have found myself in tears over a joke that has gone one step too far, or something like that.  It is a really weird thing.

Both mine and E’s parents are still married.  In fact, in my family, all of my aunts and uncles are still married- it is like nobody gets divorced, which I know is an anomaly in itself at this point.  I feel like I am ruining our perfect track record, not that this really matters anyway.

E says often that is feels weird to be talking about this given that we are not really fighting so much.  This is true and untrue.  We are fighting some of the time (whether this is more than most married couples is debatable),but  if this baby issue were not on the table we would not be at this point.

I had agreed to only bring up IF related issues (specifically DE/ adoption/ child free/ divorce decision matrix of hell) one time per week.  E’s therapist had wanted me to table the discussion all together for several months to give us breathing room.  While I saw her point, I knew that was completely impossible for me, thus the compromise.  I had a pretty good run with this for the past two weeks, but this week I was a colossal failure- I now see her point even more, too much of these kinds of talks leads to nothing good- meaning it ends with me sleeping on the couch and wishing that we had an apartment big enough to hold a spare bedroom (we live in a 1 bedroom apt, I promise by NYC standards we have a good amount of space). 

Sometimes I want to freeze time and run away with E and pretend that none of this is happening.  Other times, I feel like I am wasting my time on failing IVF attempts and in a marriage that is ultimately never going to give me what I want.  It is so confusing.  I vacillate between wanting to hug him and never let go and then feeling so angry that I cannot even stand to be in the same room as him, let alone sleep in the same bed.  It is a dead end street.  I lose either way- no baby or no husband.  Impossible.

I feel like I’m drowning…..