Adventures in Limbo-Land

So, I haven’t felt that much like talking lately.

Things are fine.  My brother’s baby is here and that is actually a good thing.  Since he came 10 days late, this created a situation in which I jumped every time the phone the rang, especially if it was a call from a family member.  I feel like I did my part, I went to the hospital and then to my brother’s apartment the following weekend.  Now, things can go back to normal, meaning a cordial but not really close relationship in which I only see him and his family a handful of times per year.  I can live with that.  Seeing the baby was better than expected in some ways.  I didn’t cry, but I felt weird and awkward and imagined that everyone was staring at me or knew that I was the infertile imposter holding that baby- or something.  I noticed that it felt kind of peaceful to hold him, a feeling I think you can only get from holding a new born.  I reluctantly admit to liking it.  I say reluctantly because I tend to feel worse after doing that.  It’s like there’s this missing part of me that only a child/baby can fill- holding my nephew and playing with my niece kind of fills that void temporarily, making that missing piece just that much more obvious when I leave.  The incompleteness of my life is like a blinking light or something, it is just that glaring.

Things with E are ok- kind of.  After a few disastrous weeks, we have decided to take a break at least until after New Year’s.  We will probably do our last IVF cycle at that time, most likely at NYU.  I have some mixed feelings about waiting but the truth is a few months does not really matter.  I no longer believe that I am going to get pregnant with my own eggs.  This cycle is therefore a throw away cycle, we/I are doing it because we have the insurance coverage not because we think it is going to work.  For me it is like this, if you put a cookie in front of me, I will probably eat it even if I am not really hungry simply because it is sitting in front of me.

  

If I really think that my only options do not involve my biology, then time does not matter- at least from a medical stand point.  The emotional toll of time is another story.  I wanted this yesterday, but I cannot do anything to speed this up.  E is not there yet, I have no choice but to give him time.

E is continuing with therapy- it is getting somewhat better, he seems less stirred up- so that is good.  It is hard to be patient with things.  E tells me that if I asked him right now, he would say definitely no to adoption or DE.  He is working on pushing through that and hopes there is another solution.  He cannot make promises.  At least he no longer feels that IVF or another natural pregnancy is a real possibility, that is a step in the right direction.

I have made the decision that I will be a mother no matter what- which means I will do this by myself if that is what it comes to.  I know that is a horrible thing to say, but I also know myself and I know that I cannot live my life and not become a mother.  The details of all of this are overwhelming, I try not to think about that so much.  E is aware of this, that is a weird thing to say the least. 

So here I am in limbo land- somehow it is not so bad.  After years of living my life on hold, I seem to be on a bit of rebound here.  I am busier than ever at work, with patients, classes, and other opportunities.  I have hired a trainer in an effort to bring “sexy back” to my life, both physically and emotionally.  I have been shopping and buying myself new clothes like a mad woman.  There is some guilt about spending money, and yet I somehow don’t really care that much.  I want to feel better and if a new skirt is going to do that for me, I seem to have no problem with that.  Irresponsible? yes- enjoyable? Absolutely (to note, I am not spending money we do not have, it is just likely money that we should be saving ).

So that’s it for now, no answers, no movement, more questions than answers- I think you can see why I rather just focus on new clothes instead.