I have been trying hard to figure out how I am feeling recently and all I can come up with is that “this shit is hard”. I am very, very confused and I wish more than anything that somebody else would just make some of these hard choices for us. I honestly believe that half of the struggle of a BFN is knowing that you will have to figure out what to do next. Clearly there are times when this choice is easier than others, this time around, it is hard as hell.
Lots of people have been asking me how things are going with E. Well, not so good I guess. While he is somewhat more open to other options than in the past, he is far from where I need him to be. He is very much in the contemplative space where one day he sounds on board (ish) with things and the next that totally flips around and he is dead set against any plan that does not involve using both of our genetics. I am not tolerating this well. I know these things take time, but the truth is I have been TTC for 4.5 years, I feel like I have no more time or at least feel I cannot wait any longer. I have asked E for couples therapy- he indicated wanting individual therapy first- more waiting. I am slowly losing my mind. I vacillate between wanting to be patient with him and wanting to smack him in the face.
I am trying as much as possible to let things go, as the next few weeks are shaping up to be filled with landmines: SIL’s due date, anniversary of H’s EDD, Jewish Holidays, and a consultation at NYU. I started feeling all this free floating anxiety last night and thought “gee that’s weird, I wonder what I’m nervous about.” Really??? Am I really unsure where this anxiety is coming from? I think I need to focus on getting through right now not figuring it out.
So this is all for now. I am going to get my records to NYU for my consult. I am going to schedule auto-immune testing at Sher to just get it done, I will figure out how I feel about it later. I am hoping that my SIL does not go into labor on a holiday (Wednesday and Thursday night of this week) not because I am religious (which I am not) but because it will annoy me if this birth interferes in any way with my life. I like holiday family dinners, I don’t like holiday dinners canceled by babies. However, I will take that over the birth falling on Oct. 1 her actual due date. Come on Universe, throw me a bone here already!! And, yes, I do realize how selfish that sounds.
On a related funny note, yesterday I told E that I had an irrational fear that I was going to find out about the birth via facebook, he gave me “that look” that tells me he thinks I am an insane- no actual words, just that look. I think this time he might have hit the nail right on the head....
What a hard week you have ahead. I also hope that the nephew or niece picks a nice, non-significant, convenient for *you* time to arrive and that this week is as bearable as possible.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope the New Year holds resolution and progress and happiness for you.
You're such a model of rational processing of extremely tough sh*t. Wow. Which probably doesn't make it easier to live through, but hey. Do you think there will come a time when it would be appropriate to make E. pick up the pace on HIS processing? Or do psychologists know that never works? Anyway, hoping this week will be as kind to you as possible.
ReplyDeleteYou're not crazy and you are not selfish. You just want a baby in your arms. When those of us who actually have that mothering instinct so strong in us (and are facing IF woes), well I don't have to state the obvious.... You will stoop to all kinds of levels to protect your heart from yet another stab. In my opinion (because I've been there too) it doesn't make you selfish or crazy...it's our life. No one understands women like us unless they have also walked a few miles in these old shoes. Just don't add feeling guilty about your thoughts & wishes to your plate. You have nothing to be ashamed of here. Love & hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteNow, go eat a fancy cupcake for me:-)
I think you are due a little well-earned cah-raziness!!! And, selfishness...I think you get to a point where you just can't stand any more pain and want these sorts of things (birth, birth announcements, babies, etc.) to be as minimally invasive as possible. At the same time, dealing with the reality of it is sometimes easier than imagining how horrible it will be. Hope the NYU visit goes well. (More Room in my Heart)
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are selfish at all. I thought the same thing about my SIL. She was due to be induced on Camron's EDD and I was hoping like crazy that something changed. Okay maybe it wasn't too right to wish and hope that but that was how i felt at the time so you are not alone in that feeling. I hope your visit goes well. Sending you HUGS and Love and so hoping all the best for you soon, that you get even just a little sunshine in you life.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry things are so hard right now. Your emotions are all totally natural given what you've gone through - at least I hope so, because I've gone through all of them myself! My husband and I are fellow New Yorkers, and will likely have to make a Plan B at some point that doesn't involve using my eggs. I know when that time comes my husband will need way more time than I to come to terms with that. Because they don't have to inject themselves a zillion times, do all of the research, and endure the hormonal ups and downs, I don't think they process this stuff at the same speed as we do. I can imagine how frustrating this is for you, but the same strength that got you this far will get you through this too.
ReplyDeleteIncidentally, while you are in the process of getting second opinions, have you considered C.CRM? I did my first two (miserably failed) IVFs at C.ornell. I then got second opinions from N.YU and C.CRM. I liked both, but have ultimately decided to go with C.CRM because of their stats and the fact that they seem to be a bit more creative in their approach - and creativity is what you need when you've failed a few times! It seems crazy to travel out of state when we have such good clinics in NYC, but for our last couple tries I wanted to give myself the very best chance.
Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck...I'll be cheering you on.
Newbie (Infertile in the City)
This stuff is really hard and everyone has to work through it at their own pace. I've been exactly where you are now. One day this will all be behind you and you'll be somewhat amazed that these decisions were ever so hard. In the meantime, I'm hoping E will agree to some joint counseling and that your SIL does not give birth on her designated due date.
ReplyDeleteNo advice. Just wishing you the best right now, through a hard few weeks. Just make it through each day as best you can- you have a lot on your plate right now. (Speaking of which- we moved our trip to Oct 29/30- will you be around then?)
ReplyDeleteDon't worry about selfishly wanting the baby to arrive at a time that is not inconvenient for you. This shit is hard and sometimes it's little things like a niece or nephew arriving and not completely disrupting YOUR life that makes it all just a tiny bit easier.
ReplyDeleteUgh everything you are going through is so hard. I have anxiety just reading about it! Sheesh, I hope E can speed along his journey...at some point he has to realize there has to be resolution and decision, that you both cannot live in limbo forever. Hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteWow, what a rough road you're walking. This would be an especially GREAT time for E to have a lasting breakthrough towards openness.
ReplyDeleteInsane? maybe - but would it not be fair to compare our fears to those of a P.O.W.???
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with what you said about BFN's. For me, sometimes figuring out the next step was just as hard as getting the news itself.
Hugs to you.
Ugh, so sorry for the turmoil and anxiety you feel right now. Its not easy. I know how difficult this time of year is - new beinnings and such, and to have the added stress of an impening birth and H's EDD just isnt fair. I so wish for you a shana tova.
ReplyDeleteNot at all selfish. You've got so much on your plate right now. You do what you have to do to get through it.
ReplyDeleteHope your holidays are nice and quiet.
My poor friend. My heart just breaks for you right now, the next few weeks are brutal; it must feel like the world is crumbling down. I wish that E could be right in line with where you are, but your situation is not uncommon. I love you and am here if you need me.
ReplyDeleteHey, you're not alone in this. Sometimes, especially when cycling or coming down from the meds, I act like a manic depressive with supreme highs and depths-of-hell-lows. My poor husband has learned to tread lightly during these times. Sometimes, I've thought that there had to be a hole in my chest caused by the ache I felt over not having my child. It sounds insane to some people, but to those of us who have lost children and year for others but haven't been blessed with them, it's a common feeling. Sadness and loneliness are always there - even in a crowded room.
ReplyDeleteThat said, for me, this last cycle was the best one ever because I knew that no matter what happened, I was done. We have decided to go the surrogacy route and I have had such peace since making the decision to pull myself out of the equation. I can't explain it really, but it's almost like there's someone else with the responsibility now and I'm just doing "my part" by providing the eggs.
My point is, keep moving forward, regardless of how you feel right now. Moods pass eventually, but you can't get time back. You'll be in my prayers and I wish you the best with your upcoming appointment.
You've wheathered more that your fair share of rough seas. Hard doesn't even begin to describe it. Next steps are never easy ones and with all that is behind you, it's no wonder that you are not looking forward to what is ahead (especially if it's more of the same.) I am praying for some real hope to arrive, soon. My thoughts are with you and hope that one of those two places offers something new.
ReplyDeletei just wish this was easier. im sorry it isn't. you know im here for you night or day.
ReplyDeletexoxo
lis
This shit IS hard. Very effing hard CGD. I would alternate between desiring to smack and being all understanding of E too (damn you self-awareness and psych-y training). You need a break, a good Universe-gets-it-right kind of break and I am hoping and praying SO much that this happens for you (and that your SIL either pops that baby out early or late).
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I don't think you're crazy, just pained ... far too much pain and uncertainty for one person to hold everything together all the fucking time.
hugs and x
Ugh...you have a hard week. I will be thinking of you and hoping the universe gets it and gives you a break.
ReplyDeleteArgh -- blogger ate my comment.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, yeah, this is hard, and you are right to feel stressed and exhausted and beaten down by the whole thing. I hate that you feel that, but it's ok that you do and we are here to help.
I think that because the process is so immediate for you, the woman, you have probably processed things more fully than has E. But that doesn't make it any less frustrating.
I wish you well this coming week and that your new year is full of sweetness and joy. You deserve it.
I will be thinking of you in these next couple of difficult weeks. Take good care of yourself, if you can. Even it if you can manage to do something small to remind yourself how amazing and strong you are, do it.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, universe, wait until after October 1st, please!!
Just a note to let you know that I'm hear. I'm reading, I'm listening, and I'm sorry for all you're facing right through. I keep waiting for this journey to be a little less hard for all of us, but nothing seems to give. Sending strength your way, and you and E and H will be in my heart. <3
ReplyDeleteYou are certainly going through a really difficult time at the moment... my heart goes out to you and hope each occasion is manageable. I find it so hard to just put one foot in front of the other sometimes.. but it's often the only thing that seems to work. Look after yourself most of all xoxo
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you so often in the past while, dear woman. I just picture you "mucking through" this awful time with extreme grace: like you are wearing the cutest Hunt.er boots and trudging through all that muck with your amazing composure. I know, that's probably NOT at all how it feels. You are very strong, but I see how wearing this all is on you. I hope there are small blessings through all of this, like enjoying the Jewish Holiday with your family sans SIL going into labour.
ReplyDeleteYou have so much on your plate right now, and unfortunately it seems like it will be a while before things can be taken off. This sounds cliche but really, try to focus on one thing at a time, and take it with each day that comes. I'll be thinking of you these next few weeks. And thank you for your support during my IVF cycle xo
ReplyDeleteYou are not crazy or selfish in the least, sweetie. I think it's a good step to get testing done with Dr. Sher. I hated my results, but it's helping me in the long run. I've had the same problem with my hubby. We have a chance to have a baby with donor sperm, but he shuts down when I ask about it. I feel for you - I wish I could reach out there and hug you. I want your happy ending as much as I want mine. <3
ReplyDelete