Lean Into It

Lean into it, that is the advice my best friend gave me last night- serendipitously she was in town last night so we met for a much needed girls dinner (during which I drank nearly an entire bottle of wine myself).  This advice was given to me after I recounted the events that occurred at my couples session earlier that day. 

To sum up what feels like was a very long and confusing session; the gist is that E is leaning towards not doing the 7^th cycle at this point.  He says, that he is turned off from the IVF process at this point so much so that not only is he unsure about staying in our marriage but that he feels turns off by the prospect of having children in general.  We have long ago connected the dots that should we not do the next cycle we would be separating.  E had a hard time articulating that.  He cannot really say that yes he is leaving or that he wants to leave, but when the therapist fed him those lines he said that he ‘guesses that is what it means to not do the cycle’.  He also added that he is waiting to make sure that this is how he feels 100%, hence the leaning towards things.  I know my husband, leaning towards means he will make this choice, once his mind starts in a direction it is very hard to turn that around.

So that is where this lean it into thing comes from.  My BFF says to stop fighting this, stop trying to understand what is going on or try to fix it - but just step back and let this happen.  Ride it out. 

E is headed to visit his parents who live out of town next week, I was not invited on this trip.  His goal was to go to talk to them about things and clear his head.  I want to laugh hysterically every time I hear this because I have not met two bigger avoiders in my life than my in laws and I cannot picture them actually being able to have a conversation about something as serious as this.  Good luck with that E.  I assume in reality he needs to hear from them that this is ok for him to do this and then he will walk away.  My job now is to just let that happen…..

I am doing ok.  I am trying to hold on to an image of what I want my life to look like one day- I know that what I have now is certainly not it.  I think it is going to get harder before it gets easier but I know the easier is out there….. 

What the hell am I doing?  I feel like I am fighting for a marriage that is already over. 

Today, our couples’ therapist asked me why after all of this I still want to be with E.  I couldn’t answer the question.  All I could muster was to say that I have to believe there is enough good here to push through- to get back to us somehow.  But the truth is that I do not know.  I am worried that I have been on this mission to save our marriage that I have forgotten what I am actually trying to accomplish.  It is like when I was doing IVF cycles to get through them, forgetting that I was actually not trying to just finish a cycle but that I was trying to conceive a child.  Am I trying to save my marriage for the sake of saving it or for some other reason?

The other night, E got home late from a work event.  I was laying in our bed by myself and I thought what would it feel like to go to bed alone each night, having not been alone in a bed for the last 9 years.  I felt sad and lonely and longed for the early days in mine and E’s relationship, when he lived in a small studio apartment that was largely taken up by his bed.  I miss that apartment and its crowdedness.  I wonder how E and I never got on each other’s nerves in such a small space.  I could not imagine living like that now.  I long for that kind of closeness.  We are so far from that it feels like it happened to another couple, not to us, not to me. 

I have no idea what I am doing anymore.  I am exhausted.  I wish I was strong enough to make a choice myself instead of waiting it out for E to decide.  

Stuck in the Middle

So couple’s therapy seems to be working, just not in the ways that you think it is supposed to.  I had thought that going into couple’s therapy would mean that E and I would have a safe place to talk about the options of DE and adoption.  Those kinds of talks have broken down kind of quickly.  I would be lying if I say that I never bring it up because I still do.  I would also be lying if I said that I fully understood why E feels this is not an option for us because I still don’t (and neither does he, I think).  But, ultimately it is not my job to change his mind, believe me I have tried and let me tell you it is an endeavor that backfires nearly every time- I actually think it has the opposite effect, actually pushing E further away from these options and letting him dig his heels in as far as they will possibly go.

So why then I am telling you that couples therapy is working?  Well, it is helping to clarify things for us.  Our therapist has a no nonsense way of stripping away the BS and getting to the issues at hand and also the affect associated with those issues.  At times it is blunt, hard, even hurtful – but the reality is that these are things I need to hear and face, whether I like or not.  Clarification can be good, especially as I read back at posts from recent months and realize how confused I have felt.

Many of you may not agree with my next statements, that is ok and it is ok for you to tell me that.  But, I have been clear with E that I want to go ahead and do the next cycle.  Not because I think I will regret not doing my last ditch cycle or because of the frozen (shitty) embryo situation that I have referenced previously, but because I am not ready to throw in the towel on my marriage.  Is this right?  Is this wrong?  I don’t really know.  I know in some ways I am taking a risk that if I get pregnant (15% chance or so I am told), I have no guarantee that we can fix what is currently broken in our marriage and we may end of divorced anyway.  Sadly, if that were to be the case we would have a child to co-parent together.  But, I still feel like there is enough good there to try.  Our therapist is clear with us that she does not think we have a bad marriage, actually she thinks we are a good team in some ways.  But, all couples have issues and in our case 5 full years of up-hill IF struggle has put a giant magnifying glass on our issues so much so that tiny fractures now are gaping holes.  Additionally, I very much feel that the lack of common goals (me wanting a family/ baby above all else and E not matching that sentiment) has taken a dramatic toll.  I think couples function best when they are working for the same thing, it is really hard when this does not happen.  I can only hope that if that magnifying glass is removed and/ or a common goal is restored (meaning a baby is born), those holes begin to close.  I have no guarantee of that.  It is a leap of faith.

I know some of you do not feel that way and I too question if it is really ok to bring a baby into uncertainly.  But, when are we really ever certain?  I think in life you just need to make the best possible choice given the situation and let the rest go.  That is what I am doing.  If this journey has taught me anything it is that no matter what happens next I will find a way to figure it out.  I always do. 

Here is where it gets more complicated, while I am ok enough with a leap of faith, E is apparently not.  As we all well know he is not one who is good with uncertainty or stepping outside the box and he is afraid to pull the trigger.  I get in some ways and in other ways I can't understand him.  I want to hug him and hit him at the same time.  I feel like every day (ok maybe not every day but certainly more days than not) he holds my/ our fate in his hands.  It is terrible, but sadly I am getting used to it.  He has not given me the green light for cycle 7 nor has he pulled the plug.  We seem to be always stuck, or at least he does.

Comments and Clarification

I have gotten a lot of comments lately, most really interesting.  Thank you so much for your support and feedback.  I just wanted to clarify one point, E is not interested in child free life.  He did mention that at one point and has said that if he himself were infertile he would chose child free.  However, now given the set of circumstances that we find ourselves in, E is saying that he wants children (albeit in a very specific way- with both parents being biological).  Since he is not infertile (we think, at least based on every test we have run to date) he has that choice.  He is also saying that he does not think our relationship makes sense child free.  I think we need to explore that a bit more fully, but at the moment that is what I know. 

I have gotten a few comments about who loves who more (me or E) and who is leaving who –My thoughts on this are interesting. Sometimes I want to be left, maybe because if that happens I get to try on the victim role for a while and can blame someone else or rightfully carry around a pool full of anger.  Other times I want to do the leaving, hating the feeling of powerlessness that goes along with being acted on rather doing the action yourself.  But in the end, maybe that part does not really matter.  We would be leaving each other, there are parts of this that are mutual, we both share responsibility/ play a part in this.  I know that.  I am not blameless- I am not sure it makes sense to play that blame game anyway.  (Please note, that when I say I am not blameless I do not mean about my IF.  That is not my fault.  It just is something that happened in my body, by age 31 I could not have kids.  Nobody could have ever predicted that.  I am referred more to the crumbling of my marriage, there are two us of in that dance, I am not innocent). 

I wanted to tell you that I have changed my settings to not allow anonymous comments.  I hesitate in doing so and may change my mind given that some of the most meaningful comments I have recently received where from anonymous posters. But, over the years that this blog has been running, anonymous posters have said some mean things- much meaner than some of the comments left recently (I have received anit Semitic comments, been told I am a sinner for my choice of a D&E, been told I am ready to be a mother)- and I think I just wanted off that crazy ride.

I hope you all continue to follow along and I welcome your opinions, even ones that are unpopular or are divergent from my own.  I hope that makes sense and that I did not offend anyone.  I just think sometimes we need to think before we 'speak' and/or make sure we understand that which we are commenting on.  


Interestingly, I just met with a patient of mine.   One of the things I told him is that life is more complicated than any of us would like to admit.  I think that if we had to face just how complex it really is on a daily basis, we would all probably have crippling amounts of anxiety.   To me, it seems that we all want to live in a world where there is black and white, right and wrong- that would certainly make our lives so much easier.  Learning how to navigate in this gray-ness has made me a smarter, more compassionate, more adaptable person.  Maybe my kid is lucky that they will come into my life after all of this has already happened, I will have a lot of really important life lessons to teach

It's Not You, It's Me

E and I are two therapy sessions in.  I must say that I think the therapist is really good, I may not like everything that she says but I do think she does a good job of sifting through our b.s. and getting down to the point and often also the affect associated with the point.

The bulk of our sessions have focused on the ways in which we have both checked out.  E has been on the computer too much, it has been too hard to get his time and attention.  I have tried to determine if this was always there, predating IF.  But, seeing how our IF battle has now dragged on nearly 5 years, it is so hard to remember anymore and our time post-TTC by far outdates the time we spent pre.  Who knows.  It is worth seeing if it is something that might change, meaning can I get what I want here.  I have agreed to not discuss separation so much- meaning not the issues themselves more like not discussing how separation would work (even though I have known that is not wise to talk about this, I have found it kind of hard to leave it alone- Sometimes when something is in my head so much, it finds its way out of my mouth).  But, overall we have been getting along a little better, the tension seems less in our house.

So this is all fine and good, but, at the same time, appears somewhat irrelevant.  You see the truth is if this was solely about fixing our marriage, I think E and I stand a fighting chance.  I do not think we now have or ever will have the perfect relationship, but I do think there is enough good stuff there to make it work.  But, it is kind of beyond that.  The future of our relationship hangs more on the ability of me to get (or more importantly not get pregnant) than anything else.  That is the one thing that no matter how hard we (or I work) at changing, is largely out of our (my) hands.

The “I will 100% not do DE” is hard for me to understand.  There is a tiny voice in my head that keeps telling me that E will change his mind, that maybe after yet another cycle or possibly that there is something I can do or say to make him open up more.  I need to give that up, it is really hard, I do not know how to do that exactly.  It is something I will work on getting through in my own therapy.

E did shed some more light on his understanding of this issue.  He is clear that door is shut.  He is also clear that this is not an easy decision for him and that it is that causes him much psychological pain.  E says he views ending our marriage and DE as two evil choices, but that divorce somehow seems less evil because in DE he would forever be stuck with a choice that he never wanted in the first place (meaning stuck with a child that he never wanted).  He also adds (what I talked about last time)- that divorce comes with it the possibility of a shot at what he really wants, which in this case is a child of both his and his partner’s biology.  It is hard to not take that personally.  E says it’s not me though, he would feel this way no matter who is partner is.  He says that it is more about his feelings about DE than his feelings for me, the old it’s not you it’s me excuse (he did not actually say that old saying, but you see where I am coming from, right?).  I asked E what he would do if he was the one that was infertile, he says he would not have children.  Our therapist points out that his desire to have children is not as strong as mine, that at least I understand.  However, at the same time, E still says he does want children- I guess not in the same, nothing else matters more, way as I do.

It is hard to write about this stuff because I know I am not really expressing a very popular point of view.  It is hard for me to accept and understand E's stance because it stands at such opposition to how I feel.  It almost starts to sound absurd to me, like you could not possibly believe that.  But, absurd or not, it is how he feels.  It is not my job anymore to convince him otherwise.  I have gone that road one too many times, it is time for a new direction. 

So where does that leave us?  Well, there is still the option IVF #7.  We were clear in session that if we do not do #7, that means separation, and if we do #7 and it fails, that means separation.  This is not new, but it feels and sounds different when it is spelled out bluntly, in clear language, in front of somebody else (meaning the therapist).  Our therapist seems to want to be optimistic about #7, I reminded her that no RE feels that way and that when I say 15% shot I am not being dramatic- that is legitimately what it is.  E continues to feel unsure about doing #7, citing his fears that it will just be too stressful.  I do not pretend to understand that, how is any of this not stressful.   I am suspending this for now.  We will discuss it at the next session.  Once again, E continues to hold most of the power.  Again, that is what it is, unless I am ready to give up now, which I am not, then I have to accept that.  The one silver lining is that previously, I felt very attached to my frozen (but shitty) embryos.  Now, that is less so. If they do not get used I can live with that. 

So that is about my friends.  Things continue to be hard, I think they will be for a while.  I am doing surprisingly well all things considered.  I am proud of myself for the new pool of resiliency that I have tapped into.  I am reaching out more to people, turning down less invitations, and letting people love and support me more.  The good news is that given the new, not exactly clarity, but more like clarifications that therapy has provided us, this can’t go on much longer.   That might mean a few months, not a few weeks, but it still has an ending someplace.  

checking in

Well, there is not much going on.  Is that good or bad?  I made it through the holidays, which I think is good.  Sadly, having too much time off with E was making me anxious- I am not even going to read into that any further.  It was wonderful to be with my BFF, I miss her so much.  We were able to eek out one day alone together before the rest of our girls joined us.  I cried a lot at a table, at what turned out to be a 2 plus hour lunch.  I needed that, good thing I do not care about crying in public anymore.  She pointed out some interesting things to me, helping me see that E is not the only one who gets to decide to stay or go (the way I have been approaching things).  I feel like I have more agency now, I am not sure what that means.

NYE was nice actually.  I had many, many, many drinks.   It was E’s birthday and I assumed it made sense to try to have to sex with him and act like a more normal married couple (before we went out for the night’s festivities).  Sadly, I found myself doing a shot of vodka in the kitchen before staging my seduction scene in the bedroom.  I needed the liquid courage- again, not even going to read into that, we all know the meaning of these kinds of things.  E and I, in the end, had a nice night.  In fact, if you saw us you would never imagine what was going on behind the scenes.  It is confusing to enjoy his company sometimes, I wish that never happened anymore, it would make deciding easier.

Today, we are meeting with a new couples therapist after nixing couples therapist #1.  Actually, we are meeting with E’s therapist, with whom I have historically had major reservations about.  For you therapists out there, I am making E terminate his individual work with her so we can see her together, not ideal I know.  I also know it is not ideal to meet with someone who I have mixed feelings about, but the truth is trying to find someone is hard, with 2 busy schedules and other factors, this is easy and I am too exhausted to not take the easy way out.  It is what it is, I am cutting myself a break.  Like most couples, I think we are entering couples therapy too late, meaning when we are likely beyond the point of no return or close to it.  I guess for me the goals will be to discuss the options of cycle 7 (which smart or not I still want to do, mostly to not leave any stones unturned) and/ or to help us separate in a calm way that does not involve us trying to rip each other’s heads off (note, I cannot imagine it getting to that point, there is no fighting now just quiet- scary, uncomfortable,   quiet).  If you are wondering why I have dropped the DE/ adoption goals, well... E has told me the door is 100% closed on that and he also mentions things like wanting to leave so he can start over (meaning with a more fertile woman).  I feel furious about those statements but also know that they are not so far off from me saying I would rather be a mother than a wife.  

Believe it or not, I am mostly fine.  I stopped crying somewhere along the line. I am sure that will pick up again soon, but right now no tears are falling.  I feel numb and disconnected.  I had been trying so hard to work through things with E out of sheer desperation, but now I don’t.  I just kind of let it be.  Sometimes that means we interact little, sometimes we kind of act normal.    I have been obsessively checking apt rental listings to see what is available these days, I am worried where I will go after.   Money issues are constantly on my mind, I have no idea how to make that work exactly. 

I have been trying to read along with your stories, some days that is easier than others.  I wish that was not so, but in the spirit of honesty I need to call myself out on being a bad bloggy friend.  You are in my thoughts and I thank you for your support especially as this blogs turns more into one about marriage/ divorce instead of IF.  Much love to you all in 2012.

P.S. Did I mention that I would like to skip 2012 and just hop right into 2013, where I imagine things to be at least somewhat more calm.  

I am scared

I’m scared

I am scared that NYE is E’s birthday and that I may start crying at the stroke of midnight

I am scared of E leaving me and me having to do this alone

I am scared of staying together for the wrong reasons

I am scared that no man is ever going to love me as much as my father does

I am scared that I turn 37 this year and will be even further away from being a mother

I am scare of feeling lonely

I am scared that my child will one day hate me if I bring them into this world as a single parent

I am scared of the word divorce

I am scared that E will leave me for a more fertile woman

I am scared that we have done irreparable damage to our marriage

I am scared of living child free for the wrong reasons

I am scared that E won’t give child free a chance anymore

I am scared that my parents will resent me for the choices I make in my life

I am scared to be going through this while my best friend lives on the side of the world

I am scared that my patients will notice if I stop wearing my wedding band/ engagement ring

I am scared that I may never feel love again

I am scared of so many things

My therapist recently told me that she will stand me no matter what choices I make moving forward- but that I should not make decisions based in fear.  I am trying hard to do that.  I am really scared.